Backwards K

2011-10-29T09:59:00.001-05:00

It's snowing in NY right now. It's not sticking, but there is snow falling. It was almost 70 degrees last week, and its 35 now. So much for autumn, hope you enjoyed all three days of it.

2011-09-15T09:22:00.001-05:00

2011-08-19T20:54:00.002-05:00

Here we have it, the all time winner. From this point on, nothing the human race does on the internet will rival this website. That's right, a work poop calculator. I'm sure that when Charles Babbage laid out his plans for a computing device 180 years ago, it was so we could determine exactly how much money we were paid to poop at work. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the pinnacle of human achievement.

2011-05-01T23:03:00.003-05:00

Osama Bin Laden is dead. Why does this feel like a hollow victory? Will it bring back any of the people that died in the towers ten years ago? Does it make up for the soldiers that have died in Afghanistan? Is it worth the destruction of the US economy?

I wonder who really won this war. Bin Laden stayed on the run so long that the US had to drag out it's operations in Afghanistan and Pakistan for nearly 10 years. At a cost of one to three trillion dollars, it is the costliest conflict in American history. Our national debt has tripled, unemployment has doubled from historically low rates around 4.5% to hovering around 10%, we're more divided now than we ever have been, and we have fewer freedoms than we did in 2001. We cannot travel by air without removing our shoes and being subjected to radiation or invasive pat downs. Our communications are constantly monitored by our government. And let's not forget the costliest part of this: 1500+ American servicemen and women have died since the US began operations in Afghanistan. Not to mention tens of thousands of Afghanis (nobody seems to be keeping track of that number, for some reason.)

What have we gained by removing another human from the planet? Are we more secure? Will my taxes go down? Can we bring those soldiers home from Afghanistan, finally? It occurred to me, watching the President speak, that many of those men involved in this operation were barely boys when 9/11 happened. They were 10 - 15 years old. And now here they are, "winning" the war on terror, as much as such a thing can be won. What have we won? Bragging rights? I'll tell you one thing: I don't feel more secure. If anything, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I want to say that I feel ashamed of my fellow Americans who are taking to the street to celebrate this like their team just won the Super Bowl. As flawed as he was, Osama Bin Laden was still a human being, and we should never celebrate the taking of a human life, no matter how twisted or evil it was. When one person's death becomes something to celebrate, all people's lives are cheapened. If these people had been Muslims celebrating the death of an American, we would be condemning them. Let's show the world that we are the more civilized and compassionate, that we understand the value of human life, all human life, and tell these people to go home. Go home, hug your loved ones, and be thankful for every day.

"Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that. Hate multiplies hate, violence multiplies violence, and toughness multiplies toughness in a descending spiral of destruction.... The chain reaction of evil — hate begetting hate, wars producing more wars — must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation."

Martin Luther King, Jr.

2010-08-25T16:45:00.002-05:00

So, I'm at the bar the other day, and by the front door I notice this box of leaflets. Penny savers, you know, the kind that have a bunch of ads for local businesses and other semi useless crap. Well, this particular one grabs my attention because the headline is written in 1" high flames: "TOLERANT... YOU WANT US TO BE TOLERANT? TOLERATE THIS!." So I think to myself, this should be good, and I grab a copy on my way out.

The article is written by the publisher and presumably the editor as well, a Mr. Robert Beierle. This fellow goes on to complain about all the "liberals" in the world who are "demanding" that he, and his fellow "legal" American citizens, tolerate Muslims and homosexuals and "whacko environmentalists" and illegal immigrants. He spends two pages ranting about the Cordoba House project, a community center being built in lower Manhattan. He accuses Imam Feisal Abdul Rauf (a prominent NY Muslim cleric, who has not only spoken out against the radicalization of Islam, but also assisted the FBI in fighting it) of being a terrorist and channeling money to terrorist groups. He then goes on to call Michael Bloomberg, Mayor of New York City, a "butthole" for supporting the First Amendment rights of Muslims.

Mr. Beierle does make one good point though: we have here a group of people who follow a religion that stones homosexuals, adulterers, and heretics (literally); and is so intolerant of other religions that they've been fighting holy wars for 1400 years, yet they ask us for the tolerance to practice their religion. Now, I know that this is the type of fanaticism that Imam Rauf is trying to downplay, but it does happen. Just like Christian fanatics bomb abortion centers, and Jewish fanatics build walls and camps. So maybe we should look at what we tolerate before we start pointing fingers at what others will tolerate, hmm?

Now, this whole "Ground Zero Mosque" thing has been blown way out of proportion by the media and certain politicians who can sense their 15 minutes expiring and are stretching them as long as possible. Personally, I think that anyone who doesn't live in New York or didn't lose someone on 9/11/01 should just keep their big nose out of it, because it has absolutely no affect on your life. I could write an entire post on the rest of what I think about this situation, but a nice man over at Cracked.com (of all places) has already summed it up pretty well.

The rant then veers off on another topic: gay marriage. Mr. Beierle seems to think that the recent ruling on Proposition 8 in California is a case of a judge legislating from the bench. His argument is that the people spoke, and a judge came in and changed the law based on his personal bias. Never mind that the law itself was unconstitutional, or that it discriminated based on sexual orientation. This is clearly another case of liberals shoving their ideals down the throats of God fearing, legal, Christian American tax-paying citizens!

Look, what it comes down to is this: Mr. Beierle says he's ok with "union ceremonies" (whatever that might be), which would probably be just dandy in the eyes of most homosexuals, if those "union ceremonies" carried the same legal rights as a marriage ceremony. But they don't. What we're talking about here is a legal definition, which has nothing to do with your religious beliefs, so I'll make you a deal here: I won't start a religion based on the American legal system if you won't write laws based on your religious beliefs, ok?

There's more here, about Michele Obama, and people in uniform, and illegal immigrants... it just goes on and on. I won't bore you with the rest, but suffice to say it's a rant that would have made Goebbels proud. What I'm really getting at here is this: I hope, Mr. Robert Beierle of Creative Insight (a most ironic name), that you have enjoyed your rant. I hope that you enjoy your First Amendment rights to free speech, religion, and press; rights you would deny others because they don't share your beliefs. I may not like what you say, and I think you are ignorant and sad, but I will tolerate you saying it, because it is your right, and to deny yours would cheapen mine. I would hope that you might read this, but apparently you haven't figured out the Internet just yet. That's ok, maybe someone will print it out for you.

"Laws alone can not secure freedom of expression; in order that every man present his views without penalty there must be spirit of tolerance in the entire population."

Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955)

2010-08-24T08:19:00.006-05:00

Welcome to today's episode of Profiles in Stupidity. On our show today, a man from Parsippany, NJ who was arrested by police after asking them to search his home. What did they find? Crack vials and hypodermic needles! Parsippany police give man a ride, bust him for drugs.

That's right. This dude was wandering around on Route 46, trying to get someone to let him use their cell phone, when the cops pulled up. He explained that he was trying to call a friend to get a ride home. They offered him a ride, as he was endangering himself walking on a busy highway. When they got there, he asked them to enter the house, because the back door was open. When the police entered the house, they found "several hypodermic needles on the floor, vials containing a white powder residue and a pipe normally used for smoking crack cocaine."

Of course, they arrested the man. My question for you, dear reader, is this: who is the real moron here? Is it the man who asked police to enter his home when he knew he had needles and other paraphernalia lying around? The police officer, who didn't stop to think that maybe whomever left the door open might have also left the drugs in this man's home, that maybe the paraphernalia wasn't his? Or the reporter who couldn't be bothered to research his story and actually answer some of these pertinent questions?

Go read the article. I'll post the link again : Parsippany police give man a ride, bust him for drugs. Nowhere in there does the author mention if the suspect was on drugs, tested for drugs, or even acting strangely. Other than being out on the highway, looking for a ride home, we know nothing of the man's behavior that seems out of the ordinary. Even that is not really odd, considering the man was on foot 3 miles from home. We don't know how he got there. Did he walk? Maybe his car broke down. Did he get off the bus at the wrong stop? Or maybe he was so hopped up on crack that he walked for 3 miles before realizing it, and as he came down decided he needed a ride home. We'll never know.

I like to think the police in my community are somewhat intelligent people, that they don't just go around arresting people without cause. I mean, at the very least, it's a lot of paperwork that needs to be filled out. When I see this a few days later, it really makes me think. Maybe there's something going on here. Maybe the police are just arresting people because they have nothing better to do. I try to give police officers the benefit of the doubt; after all, they're putting their lives on the line to try to protect people. But when my news source is so inaccurate, when the reporter can't even get the basic facts of a story, it makes me wonder who I can trust.

People wonder why newspapers in the US are dying. They wonder why more and more of our news comes from the internet and cable TV. I can't speak for most Americans. I think that cable and network TV news is a load of crap. These two articles are an example of a plague that is killing newspaper reporting. The more newspapers try to be like the cable TV news, to try and distill and distort the news into little sound bites, the more people will stop reading. The more people will come to blogs like this one, which is more editorial than actual news.

Oh, and then there's this.

"Everybody gets so much information all day long that they lose their common sense."

Gertrude Stein

2010-07-09T12:29:00.004-05:00

Here we are, day off in Liege, Belgium. What a boring town. There's a pretty park, but not much else. I think the most interesting thing I saw today was a guy eating a waffle. In Belgium. Get it? Compared to the last few days, it's a huge let down.

View from my hotel room in Liege.

First, we have Venice. Holy cow, what a beautiful city. Just awesome. We took a water taxi into the city, and it went directly to the hotel. It was so cool. The hotel was just amazing, all kinds of Italian Neo-Classical architecture, and about 200 yards from Piazza San Marco.

Oh my god, I am so small.

Which, by the way, was incredible. Intimidating, beautiful, wonderful, fascinating: I don't know how many more adjectives I have. There was more than one point where someone said that it was like a Disney ride, except real. Which is a hell of a compliment to Disney, I guess. Our drum tech, Simeon, knew someone in the city, so we got to see some parts that most tourists don't. It was fantastic. I had dinner on the roof of the hotel with Ben and the rest of the band, and some crew members. It was such an amazing view of the city, right on the main canal. There was a sea gull that sat right at the corner of our table the entire meal. All I could think of was Jonathan seagull and my grandmother. I get the feeling she was there, watching out for me.

From there, we went to Montreaux, Switzerland. The famed Montreaux Jazz Fest, where they booed Stevie Ray Vaughan. I ran into a couple of guys from Jupiter One, who are playing with Regina Spektor's band, which was pretty cool.

The festival was put together so well, and everything was great, until about half way through the set. The band was playing a song called "Keep it Together." There's a part in the song where it breaks down, and turns into a long guitar solo, and then blasts into a big restore and chorus. Well, right about the part with the big restore, the guitar rig decides to blow a fuse. Ben, in a most professional way, looks at the crowd and says "You gotta keep it together!" and cues off a drum solo. While the guitar techs run around and fix the problem, Jordan, the drummer, pulls out this fantastic drum solo, and the song conitnutes after the guitar rig gets fixed. One of the most incredible moments of live theatre that I've ever been a part of. And, it turns out, Quincy Jones came out to see the show. He was blown away by the set. He actually hung out with us until 4AM. At Montreaux. I'd swear it was all a dream, except for the photos and autographs that were still there the next morning.

S0, yeah. Mom and Dad, Europe sucks, and I can't wait to come home. No, really.

"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."

Joe Walsh

2010-06-28T17:15:00.002-05:00

Wow. Europe. The Old World.

We started in Dublin, and it was pretty cool. I went to the Guinness Storehouse, which was the original brewery and still has some active distribution on site. I got there at about 6 pm, only to find that it was closed. Isn't that just my luck? Fortunately, I didn't have to be on the bus until 11 the next morning, so I got there at 9:30 am when it opened and made sure to have a good look around. It was awesome. Dublin itself was a pretty cool town. I think I could live there.

Next was Belfast. Didn't really look around much in Belfast, kinda scared to. I know that peace has come to Ireland and all that, but I still didn't really want to wander too much there. Great crowd though. And a fun show. This whole opening band thing is kinda cool: our show is finished by 9 pm latest, and then I get to watch Pearl Jam or just hang out.

On to London: first a ferry ride, for which I was way too drunk (I recall doing aerobics at some point, just trying to stay awake. It didn't work very well.) and then a half day off in London. Not too bad, I guess, but London can be so blah. Big show in Hyde Park tho, look for it on VH1.

Next to Amsterdam. Nice town, Amsterdam. Very mellow. Lots of Americans. All looking for pot. Weed and Heineken, it's like a frat boy's wet dream. Still, one of the crew guys knew a local, and so we found some real Amsterdam, and it was pretty cool.

Today: Berlin. I went to do laundry. The hotel gave me directions to a laundromat that was 2 km from the hotel; nearly a mile. Since it was a beautiful day, I decided to walk. I got to the place; the sign outside said "waschsalon". I walked in, and there were 6 old men playing dominoes or some other tile game; none of whom spoke English or could tell me anything about the waschsalon. Whatever. So I walk back to the hotel and hang out.

It wasn't until later tonight, as I was walking out of the mall that I had dinner in (at the Irish Pub, no less), and I walked past a piece of the Berlin wall that the real history of this place hit me. I think I need to bust out a map tomorrow and find Checkpoint Charlie and get a few good pics.

"Berlin is the testicle of the West. When I want the West to scream, I squeeze on Berlin."

Nikita Khrushchev (1894 - 1971)

2010-05-24T23:13:00.001-05:00

Why is it that when we're children, we accept the world as it is; but as adults, we only see the world the way it's supposed to be?

2010-02-21T20:25:00.002-05:00

In today's episode of stupid corporate practices, we turn the spotlight on NBC and Cablevision. For whatever reason, NBC has decided to take one of the most talked about ice hockey games of the year and air it on MSNBC. I'm talking about the USA vs. Canada Olympic matchup, which is taking place right now (US 2 Canada 1, 1st intermission). Now, I don't have cable, because I just can't justify paying $90/ month for 100 channels of crap that I won't watch just so I can have one or two that I might. Besides, I can get most of the entertainment I want from Netflix. So you may be wondering how I know the score, or the time of the game: I'm streaming the game, live, on my computer, from Russian TV. Why Russian TV? Well, you see, Cablevision has decided that since I don't pay for the basic cable package, I don't qualify to stream the game on my computer. Yeah. That's right. If I had the cable package, I could just watch the game on my TV. But I can't even stream the game unless I have the basic cable package. Stupid, right?

Here's where it gets even worse: NBC could be making a ton of money from ad revenue on the streams. All they would have to do is make it free, and put ads at the beginning, and between periods. Just like Hulu. But no. These Olympics could be a boon to hockey in the US. NBC would stand to profit from that, since they own the NHL broadcast rights. But instead, they'd rather bury it on a cable channel most Americans can't even find (have you seen MSNBC's ratings lately? )

Well, that's my rant. We'll see where my email to Cablevision gets me (probably nowhere, but at least I'll feel better). Way to drop the ball, NBC. Maybe by the 2036 games you'll be up to speed. If you haven't gone out of business by then.

"Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future.": Niels Bohr (1885 - 1962)

2009-09-02T07:44:00.001-05:00

Saw this headline on NJ.com this morning:

Brick man is charged with impersonating councilman during dispute with neighbors

Now, I don't know about you, but how out of touch do you have to be to think that a man made of bricks is a town councilman? And what kind of idiot then charges this scarecrow with a crime? Hello?

2009-08-29T23:34:00.002-05:00

I have determined that the easiest way to extract information from me is to play salsa music non stop. After four hours of it, with one more to go, I would admit to killing JFK if it will make the show stop. I'm so bored by this show that I'm blogging. In the middle of it.

I'm not alone, though. Looking aroud, about 1/4 if the crowd is sleeping or nodding off. They're certainly not dancing, which is what I understand you're supposed to do. I just want to go to bed.

2009-08-29T18:30:00.002-05:00

So. I just realized that it's been two months since I've written. Fun flies when you're having time.

This will be short, as I'm writing this on my phone, and it's a pain in the butt. I've been meaning to write, but there's just so much going on. Amanda and I have started looking to buy a house. It's very frustrating. What we want and what we can afford are in two different universes, and compromise doesn't seem like it will be easy. Between that and the barrage of festivals that always happen this time of year, there hasn't been much time.

I'm sitting in Madison Square Garden right now, waiting for this stupid radio show to start (MEGA 97.9!!!) and it occurs to me that I've spent so much time in arenas that I no longer notice the smell of stale beer and popcorn. It's got to be 50 degrees in here, and the ice isn't even down.

2009-06-27T14:22:00.005-05:00

Hi gang. Here's some photos that I've taken in the past few days.

That's right: Ikea makes pizza. Yes, that Ikea. While it does come pre-assembled (surprisingly), it tastes like something from Ikea. And by that I mean it tastes like pressboard and cheap laminate. Should have just eaten the box instead. Stick to meatballs, guys.

This blurry little image here is a practical joke we played on the boss (Mike, the owner of the lighting company, not Dane. His bags don't even get here until 5.) That's his suitcase dangling from one of the lighting trusses. 45' in the air. That old gag.

Saved the best for last: none of us had ever seen this watermelon soda they had in catering today. A few of us tried it, and it wasn't bad. Kind of bland yet sweet, just like watermelon. At 50 grams of sugar (first 3 ingredients: carbonated water, sugar, corn syrup), we're all battling diabetic comas right now. For comparison, Coca-Cola has 39 grams of sugar per can. So, yeah, my pancreas is on overdrive for the rest of the day.

Here's the thing, tho: look at that picture. Have you ever seen a more racist soda can? I mean, we can't watch The Little Rascals, but we can put this soda in stores? Where's Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and Bill Cosby now? This can't be allowed to go on!

Oh, one more stray observation: we're at the Phillips Arena in Atlanta today (which may explain the soda, BTW). The Atlanta Thrashers (NHL) and Hawks (NBA) play here, and both have several banners up in the rafters. But the one that stands out?

That's right. Ted F'n Turner. The only team owner in all professional sports with a banner in his arena. Even George Steinbrenner doesn't have that. That's ego.

"Famous I don't know about. It's hard to be famous and alive. I just want to play music every day and hear someone say, 'Thanks, that was great, here's some money, same time tomorrow, okay?'"

Terry Pratchett, Soul Music, page 151

2009-06-25T19:03:00.004-05:00

Ok, so we're watching the Michael Jackson coverage on MSNBC, and I'm getting madder and madder at the media. First, I have to say that of all the talking heads on cable news, I find Keith Olbermann the least repulsive. Which is like saying that this turd is less smelly than that turd.

First asshole of the day: Al Sharpton. That's right, here comes Reverend Al, to get his 5 minutes in. Rev. Al felt the need to hold a news conference. Why? I don't know. Mostly because he's the definition of attention whore. What did he say? I knew Michael. He spoke at James Brown's funeral. Blah blah blah. The part that really chaps my ass? When Al said that Michael Jackson was THE entertainer that bridged the racial divide. He was THE first black entertainer to be accepted by white audiences. Forget about Sammy Davis, Jr. or Sidney Poitier. When does Jesse Jackson get his 5 minutes?

Now, the media in general gets the second asshole of the day award, for their ridiculous attempts to get anyone who has ever spoken to Michael Jackson on the phone. I mean, Olbermann spoke to a woman who is alleged to be a "Jackson family friend" who hasn't spoken to Michael for YEARS, and hadn't even talked to the family in a year. Why? Why is this person relevant? When are they going to call Macaulay Culkin? Or Corey Feldman? They could use some exposure? What about Bubbles the chimp? Haven't heard from him lately. What about Oprah? Or Puffy? Or Chris Brown? Or Kanye? Oh, when, oh when will they get interviewed? What do they think? What are they feeling? I NEED TO KNOW NOW OH MY GOD!

The biggest asshole of the day, however, goes to the vultures who flocked to Michael's house when the 911 call came in on the emergency radio. What's wrong with you people? Why are you taking video of the ambulance carrying him away? Give the man some privacy, and some f'n dignity! I hope you all get run over by ambulances. There's a special level of hell reserved just for leeches like you, and it's right between pedophile priests and genocidal maniacs.

What is the world coming to when Fox News is quoting TMZ?

I wonder if he'll have a sequined coffin?

Oh no! Michael Jackson's star on the Walk of Fame is covered for the red carpet for Bruno! (irony?) People are visiting the wrong star and leaving flowers for a radio talk show host! Oh, the horror!

I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to go vomit.

2009-06-25T17:43:00.003-05:00

Poor Farah Fawcett. She fought cancer for so long, and so valiantly, and now she gets one upped by Michael Jackson. After Ed McMahon (who still owes me a check, BTW), and then Farah, now MJ. Patrick Swayze and Steve Jobs better watch their backs. It's a bad week to be a celebrity.

"There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed."

Peter Sellers (1925 - 1980)

2009-06-13T17:40:00.004-05:00

Minneapolis today. Woo hoo. Old Man Bill and I went over to Famous Dave's BBQ's outdoor blues festival after load in. It was pretty cool. We got there as Big Daddy Cade's tribute to B.B. King went on. They were really good, but we didn't stay long because the sound guy didn't seem to notice that the Hammond organ was WAY too loud, so every time an organ solo started, we got blasted with sound.On the way over to Famous Dave's, we walked past the biggest Target in the world (I don't know this for a fact, but it was three storeys and a city block long, so I'd say it's a good guess). We also saw a group protesting Scientology. They were wearing Guy Fawkes masks and chanting about brain washing... I don't understand why Scientology is any worse than, say, Christianity, or Judaism, or Islam, or Buddhism. But these guys were committed.

The other cool thing that we saw was this statue of Mary Tyler Moore, in the famous pose from the opening credits of her TV show. All I can say is: don't throw your hat up in the air, 'cause what might land is a Frigidaire.

Finally, I'd like to note that we've been playing alot of NBA arenas lately. We can tell because the showers are all 10' in the air. Taking a shower using one of these is kind of like getting spit on from the top of a building: there's almost no water pressure coming out. And good luck if the giant that used it before you moved the head, cuz now you have to go half way across the room to get wet. I now understand what it feels like to be a midget.

"I've just been handed a bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth!""
Ted Knight (1923 - 1986), as Ted Baxter, The Mary Tyler Moore Show

2009-06-11T21:27:00.003-05:00

Last night we went to the Paxton Chop House in Omaha for dinner. Mike ( the owner of the company I'm working for) reserved us a private room, since we had 14 guys. Now, Amanda has asked me to review the restaurant, which seems kind of like asking Britney Spears to review a book, but I'll do my best. While I didn't have any steak, they did walk us through the different kinds of meat and ways of preparation that they have, which was interesting. The meals are served family style, with things like appetizers and veggies served on platters that the table shares. We started with a selection of appetizers, including shrimp cocktail, crab cakes, and lobster corn dogs. Yeah, you read that right. I don't usually do shellfish, but I had to try the corn dog. It was really good. Next, we had calamari. Now, normally, calamari comes in quarter sized rings, breaded, and fried. This was different: these were huge, and cut long ways. It was fresh and buttery, and very very good. I ordered the ahi tuna steak, and it was excellent: fresh and cooked just right, although it did have steak gristle on it from being on the same grill. That turned me off a little, though I did enjoy it anyway. The other guys all got huge steaks. Neil, on of our truck drivers, wound up with a steak that was allegedly medium rare, though it was still red on the outside. He ate it anyway, and said it was good... though I still think I heard it moo when he first cut into it. We left 5 hours later, satisfied, gorged, and more than a little drunk. It's been a bit of a slow day today, but everyone seems to have recovered, mostly.

"Health food makes me sick."

Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

2009-06-08T20:45:00.002-05:00

I've been on a bus all day, driving from Edmonton to North Dakota, so excuse me if you've heard this already, but Brett Michaels apparently walked into a piece of scenery at the Tony Awards last night. Now, while this in and of itself is hilarious, and couldn't have happened to a nicer guy, I do have one question: what the hell was Brett Michaels doing at the Tony Awards? Isn't that an award show for Broadway? Isn't there a minimum talent requirement for such an event?

Apparently, there's a musical out there called "Rock of Ages" which involves hair metal in some way. Poison seems to have a song or two in the show, even. Just when you thought Broadway couldn't get any worse, we have this. I don't know if that crapfest won anything, but it's about the saddest thing I've heard of in a while. At least, since I heard about the remake of Clash of the Titans. Yeah, you read that right.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Bill Cosby (1937 - )

2009-06-04T19:05:00.003-05:00

Awww yeaaaahhh. Party!

Personally, I prefer the imported water. Which room does that pump from?

Mashed Potato Martini!!!! Holy crap!

I know gay marriage is legal in Canada, but I didn't realize that they allowed this. I'm just wondering, though: does one milk a homo by hand or machine?

We wandered over to the Hockey Hall of Fame when we were in Toronto last month. They have a cool display of international hockey jerseys. This one happens to be from the French hockey team. You can tell, because the logo is a chicken.

Ok, couple things: Sarah Palin needs to go away. Really. She's now suggesting that the Obama government wants to bail out struggling states to control the people. Since when does the federal government need an excuse like budget bailouts to control people? They have GUNS, you hooplehead!

Also: conservative talking heads are babbling about a newspaper bailout. Apparently, Senator Ben Cardin, D-MD, has introduced a bill allowing newspapers to restructure as non profits. This allows them tax breaks and deductions that can potentially help save small, local papers. The catch: while papers can report on any subject, they cannot make endorsements (an objective media? The horror!) So the argument being made is that the Obama administration wants to bailout these struggling newspapers so that they can strangle the flow of information and force their perspective on the public. Here's the thing: the bill also allows for this little tidbit:

Advertising and subscription revenue would be tax exempt, and contributions to support news coverage or operations could be tax deductible.

So, just like in our current system, if you want to influence a newspaper, you can buy some ads. Or, in a new twist, make a big "contribution" towards "operations" and it's all tax deductible. We report, you decide!

For those of you who clicked on the first link and enjoyed what you saw, there is great news! The State, MTV's groundbreaking sketch comedy from the 90's, is now finally coming out on DVD! In stores July 14, or you can pre-order your copy today!

"Words calculated to catch everyone may catch no one."

Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

2009-06-04T17:58:00.004-05:00

In a sad bit of news, David Carradine was found dead today. I'm sure you heard. What you may not have heard is that Uma Thurman is nowhere to be found.

Ok, that was a lame joke. I am saddened by Carradine's passing. Kill bill was an awesome movie, and Kung Fu was a great show. He did some really great work and it's sad that he went the way he did.

"Avoid, rather than check. Check, rather than hurt. Hurt, rather than maim. Maim, rather than kill. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced."

Philip Ahn as Master Kan, Kung Fu

2009-06-02T13:29:00.002-05:00

Well, here we are in lovely Vancouver. I haven't walked around much, but I was woken up this morning at 8 am by the hammering of workers remodeling the hotel. Yeah. Three lovely nights in a hotel that's under construction. I'm going to go and wander the city now, and see how much Monopoly money I wind up with.

2009-06-01T18:58:00.003-05:00

So, after 15 hours in the bus, we've finally reached the Canadian border. On our way from San Jose (what?) to Vancouver. We're at the border, but apparently it's the wrong one - something about having to be in the bus lane and we're not in the bus lane so we've been driving around in circles for a bit now. And we're apparently heading back into the USA and on to the proper crossing. I guess it could be worse. At least there's beer on the bus. Which sounds like a good idea.

2009-05-31T22:12:00.002-05:00

And now for another installment of: Fun With the News!

Number one reason to stay out of Kansas: they shoot people who go to church.

The last passenger on the Titanic died today. I don't think she's a survivor anymore.

The American taxpayer gets yet another fist someplace uncomfortable.

But it won't matter anyway, because WWIII can't be more than a few months away.

Great to start the week off on a high note, right?

"You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place."

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

2009-05-27T23:45:00.002-05:00

Tonight, I had a most amazing meal. Our bus driver, Marty, got a tip on a restaurant in Phoenix called Richardson's. This place was AWESOME. It's a Mexican/ Southwestern type place, very dark and cozy. Every time the door opens, the room is flooded with light, like a bar out of a Humphrey Bogart noir film. The food was fantastic. We started with chips and salsa. Now, I know what you're thinking, that you get that at any Mexican restaurant. Well, not like this. The green chili was fresh and spicy, but not hot. The red chili was hot and tasty. The guacamole was fresh and creamy, and I don't generally like guacamole. We (4 of us) went through 2 rounds of salsa and chips.

Next up was the roasted garlic appetizer. If you like garlic, this will make your life. If you don't like garlic, this will make you like it. The garlic was huge, each clove easily the size of a chicken egg. The whole head was about the size of both of my fists together. It came with toasted french bread, roasted peppers, and three kinds of cheese. When I tell you that all of these things put together was like a symphony on my tongue, I'm not exaggerating. And it was a huge plate of this stuff. We barely finished it.

Then came the entrees. I had Ahi tuna with blueberry salsa. Amazing. The tuna and blueberry combo was fantastic. And the chili mashed potatoes that came with it? Excellent. Just enough kick to make it the second greatest mashed potatoes I've ever had. (The first? Well, I'll leave that to speculation.) Anyway, I barely had enough room to squeeze half of this into my belly before I had to give up. And I was very disappointed to do so.

So, if you're every in Phoenix, I highly recommend you find Richardson's and get the roasted garlic. It's worth the cab ride.

Some of you may be wondering what happened in Vegas this weekend. Well, what happens in Vegas... you know the rest. Suffice it to say that I left a few weeks per diem at the craps table, and leave it at that.

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good."

Alice May Brock

2009-05-15T18:49:00.002-05:00

Ok, gang. Manny Ramirez is back in the news. I'm not going to talk about this for long, because I'm pretty sick of it. Baseball is now saying that the drug we thought he was taking to mask steroid use was not what he tested positive for. In fact, Manny had a prescription for said drug (called hCG, which is a natural hormone produced by pregnant women. Why Manny had that prescribed to him, we'll never know.) Allegedly, Manny had a testosterone level 4 times that of a normal man his age.

Now, I don't want to get into who did what to whom when; what I'm concerned with is the punishment. Manny gets suspended for 50 games. Shoeless Joe Jackson and Pete Rose were banned for life for gambling. And Manny gets 50 games for outright cheating. How is this fair? How is this right? And why is ESPN not calling for Bud Selig's head on a stick?

In other news, the tour is going swimmingly. We're in St. Louis today, and on to Kansas City tomorrow. We get three days off in scenic Salt Lake City. Maybe I'll go swim in the lake. And then I don't' know what I'll do for the next 71 hours. Maybe I'll see if I can get me 3 or 4 Mormon wives.

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."

Edith Sitwell

2009-05-09T18:16:00.002-05:00

Philadelphia. The Spectrum. Man, does this place earn it's nickname. Think body parts that rhyme. I'm sure this place looked great back when the original Star Trek looked futuristic. Catering is fighting it out for worst on the tour with Pittsburgh. Right now, they're winning due to the bathroom that's overwhelming the smell of the food. Good thing I have food on the bus... Never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get to New Hampshire.

2009-05-05T21:04:00.002-05:00

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry. But there's some juicy stuff to go at, so here you have it:

Swine flu. Gimme a freakin break. A Google News search of 'swine flu' gives over 400,000 responses. A search for 'genocide' yields only 10,000 results. Which one do you think kills more people very day? The NY Times has a fantastic interactive map that shows how many cases there are, and how many deaths there have been. So, here's the thing: according to that map, the W.H.O. is reporting 1,490 confirmed cases of the H1N1 flu virus known as swine flu. In the world. Population: 6.7 billion. Just to put that in perspective, that's .0000002% of the world population.

Ok, sorry, had to stop for some Chinese food. But I'm back now.

More numbers to throw at you: in the US, there are 403 confirmed cases of swine flu. Out of 304,000,000 people. That's .0000013% of the population. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of meeting someone infected with swine flu. Here's an even better comparison: so far, 2 people have died in the US from swine flu. 2. That's more than one, less than 3. Know how many people died last year from regular old comes-around-every-year-and-we-have-an-inoculation-for- it flu? 36,000. Wait. I'ma say that again. Thirty-six. Thousand. Thirty-six thousand. That's 18,000 times more deadly than swine flu. So can we lay this panic to rest and go on with our lives? Oh, and one more thing: YOU CAN NOT GET SWINE FLU FROM EATING PORK. YOU CAN'T. DUMBASSES. So, please, STFU and move on, ok?

In other news: Mia Farrow has announced that she's going on a hunger strike for 21 days to protest the human rights violations in Darfur. Look, Mia, we all want to do something to help Darfur, but that's just not going to do anything. I mean, if you want to motivate people, get somebody that we give a damn about to go on a hunger strike. Like A-Rod. Or Britney Spears.

Now for things that are awesome: Fringe. Seriously. This show kicks butt. If you ever even remotely enjoyed the X-Files, you need to watch it.

Also: hot tubs. They're hot. They have jets. What's not to like? Except for when you're at a hotel that's renovating it's health club and so the hot tub is closed. That kinda sucks.

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."

Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)

2009-03-28T10:03:00.002-05:00

Today in stupid protests: Facebook users wage condom campaign against Pope. That's right. A bunch of rocket surgeons on Facebook have decided to start sending condoms to the Pope, in protest of his statement that condoms do not prevent HIV. That is just brilliant. Hey, dumbasses, I've got a better idea: if you feel so strongly about it, why don't you send the condoms to AFRICA where they might actually use the damn thing. Popatine is just going to throw them in the trash, and what good does that do anyone? Hmm? You're not going to change his mind, I promise you. You're fighting centuries of dogma and repression. These people used to flagellate themselves for impure thoughts (some still do). Do you really think that sending a few thousand condoms their way is going to change their minds?

So here you go, jerks. If you're so interested in preventing AIDS in Africa, go here. Mercy Corps will take all those condoms you want to waste on a pointless protest, and put them to good use. 60,000 is alot of rubbers, and I'm sure they'll take 'em. And stop being so stupid.

"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

2009-03-24T08:48:00.002-05:00

David Letterman got married this week. Insert Viagra joke here.

"I like life. It's something to do."

Ronnie Shakes

2009-03-23T07:23:00.002-05:00

UPDATE! Breaking News! NASA has halted the urine processor test on the International Space Station. Flight Engineer Koichi Wakata has reportedly been holding it for 18 hours now, but does not know how much longer he can. When asked for comment, station commander Mike Finkle said "Well, we don't really know what went wrong, but we're hoping that (shuttle Discovery pilot) Tony Antonelli can find us a gas station or 7-11. I mean, Koichi's been a real trooper, but he's starting to look a little yellow. I guess he shouldn't have had so much water yesterday." NASA officials on the ground had no official comment on when the problem will be fixed, other than "Depends."

In other news, Bruce Willis wed his 30 year old girlfriend last weekend. After the ceremony, Ashton Kutcher jumped out of the wedding cake and yelled "PUNK'D" in the bride's face, before running off. Nobody laughed.

On to business: economists are still puzzled by the sudden spike in Pfizer stock. Analysts say that the company, known for making the anti-depressants Zoloft and Xanax, theorize that it may be a reaction to the economic downturn.

"Many people despise wealth, but few know how to give it away."

Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)

2009-03-22T08:38:00.003-05:00

I saw this little blurb on the news today: Astronauts get Sunday morning off after busy week. Reportedly, ISS Commander E. Michael Fincke is planning on playing 9 holes of golf with shuttle commander Lee Archambault. Flight Engineer Lonchakov is planning on visiting his family in Russia, and Engineers Chamitoff and Magnus plan on "sleeping in, maybe getting some brunch at that little place on Walnut." Flight Engineer Koichi, on the other hand, will not be getting the day off, as he drew the short straw on testing the new urine processor. Koichi was last seen drinking a whole lot of water.

In other news, Han Solo is no longer solo. Apparently, he found a diamond ring small enough to fit around a cocktail straw, and gave it to longtime girlfriend Calista Flockheart.

In an unrelated story, Pfizer stock went up 53 points today.

"Never fight an inanimate object."

P. J. O'Rourke (1947 - )

2009-03-20T06:50:00.004-05:00

In today's installment of life imitates art:

That photo was taken from my front porch at 7:35 this morning, March 20, 2009. The FIRST day of SPRING. WTF!?! Haven't we had enough snow this year? Was it not 69 degrees just 2 days ago? I was wearing SHORTS for crying out loud. Screw this nonsense. I'm going back into hibernation. Wake me when it's in the 70's.

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."

Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004)

2009-03-17T08:39:00.002-05:00

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Stay away from green beer.

2009-03-16T16:51:00.004-05:00

Hi all. You may notice a few changes around here. I've added a poll on the side there. You have until May to vote. After that, the judges will tally up the results, and explain just what the heck is going on.

I've also sold out to the man. Not The Man, just the man. I can't really talk about it, but if you take a close look, you'll notice what I mean.

Umm... yeah. That's about all I got for now. It's been pretty slow around here. My doctor said I should try not to get too excited. So I've been keeping it mellow. Yeah. 'sbout it.

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."

Jules de Gaultier

2009-03-13T11:31:00.002-05:00

I came across this through Gizmodo today.
The Untold Story of the World's Biggest Diamond Heist
Holy crap! This story is incredible. It's told to the reporter by the mastermind of the heist, who is doing 10 years in a Belgian prison for the crime. Truly an example of truth being stranger than fiction, this guy weaves a hell of a yarn:

In February 2003, Notarbartolo was arrested for heading a ring of Italian thieves. They were accused of breaking into a vault two floors beneath the Antwerp Diamond Center and making off with at least $100 million worth of loose diamonds, gold, jewelry, and other spoils. The vault was thought to be impenetrable. It was protected by 10 layers of security, including infrared heat detectors, Doppler radar, a magnetic field, a seismic sensor, and a lock with 100 million possible combinations. The robbery was called the heist of the century, and even now the police can't explain exactly how it was done.

I highly recommend you read this if you have the time. Personally, I can't wait for the movie version!

"It is easier to stay out than get out."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

2009-03-12T09:52:00.007-05:00

I saw this on Google news today: Balls appoints child safety adviser. Apparently, the British Parliament has a member named Ed Balls. We should get this guy together with Congressman Boehner and see what kind of cockamamie schemes they come up with.

I'm sorry. It's lonely here, and I have to entertain myself.

I enjoy this comic. There's only one problem with it: it's wrong. Bernie Madoff isn't different because he's guilty; he's different because he got caught.

"It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."

Dick Cavett (1936 - )

2009-03-11T09:18:00.003-05:00

2009-03-07T19:40:00.003-05:00

Today's show is a Bar Mtizvah, at historic Guastavino's, under the 59th St Bridge. You may recognize Guastavino's from The Celebrity Apprentice. Trump isn't here, but he might as well be.

There is something incredibly wrong with this show. I'm not sure if it's the fact that this 13 year old boy's birthday party cost more than my wedding, or if it's the 22 year old dancing girls wearing see though dresses. (I'm going with the latter.) Every time I agree to one of these things, I know I'm going to hate it, yet I agree anyway. I need to find another source of income, because these things really suck.

"Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish something."

Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

2009-03-05T18:50:00.002-05:00

YouTube reported today that they hit 100 million viewers in the month of January. In a related story, the US reported 598,000 jobs were lost in the month of January, the most in one month since 1974.

Also in the news: Robin Williams undergoes emergency heart surgery. No, really? A guy who had a very public cocaine habit has HEART TROUBLE! Shocker.

Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday. This may be the worst thing to happen to the Giants so far this off-season. I can't say I feel bad for T.O. If anyone deserves to be out of a job (especially these days) it's him. I fear that he won't be out of a job for long, however. I only hope he signs with the Patriots.

Enough current events.

I had jury duty this week. Wow. The excitement! The glamour! Participating in our judicial process! Let me tell you something, dear reader: Law and Order is full of shit. Real jury duty is nothing like that. I was called for one jury panel, and sat there for 4 hours while the judge asked the same 20 questions over and over and over again. Then either he or one of the lawyers would ask for a juror to be removed, and the process would start all over again. I was so relieved when the plaintiff's council finally asked that I be removed, I almost ran out of the room. Then I spent the next 2 days sitting in the jury room, waiting to be called again. It wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't have a TV in the room, tuned to the View. And Rachel Ray. And Regis and Kelly. Apparently, the 8th amendment only applies to convicts, and not to jurors.

A few other observations from the week: historic downtown Paterson NJ is incredibly scenic. And by scenic I mean "it looks like a war zone." This part of the state obviously missed out on the economic renaissance of the 1990's. I'm thinking they missed the renaissance of the 50's. There is one up side: you can save your money in these tough economic times, and instead of that trip to Mexico or Puerto Rico, just go to Paterson!

I noticed something else: remember how, in high school, all the kids wanted to sit in the back of the bus? Eventually, the pecking order was established and the cool kids wound up there; at least until they could drive. Well, as we get older, we apparently switch priorities, and now jostle to be first on the bus so we can sit up front. This gets us off the bus first. My question is: why are we in such a hurry? You're just going to have to wait somewhere else.

"Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate."

Chuang-tzu

2009-02-26T16:43:00.002-05:00

Today in the land of Shut the Hell Up: Oil companies! That's right, everyone's favorite polluters are whining about President Obama's new budget. According to the Wall St. Journal, Big Oil is crying about a tax increase that doesn't exist. Well, it kinda exists. It's more of a "this is something we gave you a break on 10 years ago so you could develop new sources of oil, and you've been sitting on this oil while the average American is paying through the nose and you're making money hand over fist, so we're not gonna give you a break anymore."

The WSJ reports that Obama's plan will cost oil co's at least $31.5 billion over 10 years. Now, that's every oil co. that does business in the US. Spread that out, it's $31.5 million per year. Ok, so here's the really hard part: Exxon-Mobil, the largest private oil company in the world, reported revenues of $477 billion LAST YEAR. Now, we all know that oil is expensive to come by, so how much of that was profit? $45.22 billion! Profit. After expenses. So, let's do some math: $45.22 billion - $31.5 million = $45.218 billion. Jeez. I don't think their CEO will be able to operate his private jet on that.

One of the best lines from the WSJ article is this one: "Democrats have been battling oil firms to get royalty payments from Gulf of Mexico leases signed in the late 1990s, years when the government apparently accidentally left price triggers out of contracts."
Yeah. The Clinton administration "accidentally" forgot to put limits on a tax break for business. Sound familiar? Just like they "accidentally" left out a time limit on legislation allowing low interest mortgages?

Look: the fact of the matter here is that the oil industry has been making tons of money the last few years, at the expense of the average American. All we're asking for is a piece (and a relatively small one at that) of the pie. Oh, and what do we want it for? Researching alternative fuels. You know, that thing the oil industry claims to be spending billions on. Yeah. That.

"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

2009-02-24T10:30:00.002-05:00

New from Taylor Made! The Nunchukau driver!

Imagine how intimidated your opponent will be by that!

In other news:

woo hoo! Oscar time. Ok, that's all I got for that.

Last week was my favorite time of the year: fashion week! At least this year, I didn't have to work during the Super Bowl. Not that it mattered, since the Giants sucked it up in the playoffs. But, it was the usual vacuous crapola. Four days of prep and install for 10 minutes of outrageous clothes and anorexic models.

I can't think of too much else right now. Here, look at this:

"Beware so long as you live, of judging people by appearances."

La Fontaine

2009-02-12T09:13:00.002-05:00

Live Nation and Ticketmaster merger. Merrill Lynch execs get multi-million dollar bonuses while losing over $15 billion. A-Rod's on steroids (big shocker there.) I'm just waiting for the Barry Bonds perjury trial. That should be a good time. The sky is falling. We're all screwed. Get out now, while you still can.

"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

Anne Bradstreet (1612 - 1672),

2009-01-28T16:11:00.002-05:00

I just saw this: Obama to Take First Foreign Trip as President to Canada.
I hate to break it to you, FOX News, but Canada doesn't count as a foreign trip. Sorry, try again.

In other news, I saw this on Gizmodo today:

Blendtec, eat your heart out. Make sure you check out the one where they shred the Dodge Daytona. Oh yeah.

And in case any of you still harbored thoughts that art was created on Broadway, I give you Thriller. I was almost excited at first. I saw a headline, Zombies On Broadway?, and I thought "Really? That would be AWESOME!" Then it occurred to me, that if it was on Broadway, then there would be lots of singing and dancing and other things that just don't belong in a zombie movie. Not that Thriller isn't cool, but it's nowhere near as cool as, say, Day of the Dead. But when I saw that they were going to take what was a cool 15 minute video and turn it into a Broadway musical, visions of The Times They Are A-Changin' danced in my head. I mean, is this really necessary? Can we get through life without a Michael Jackson musical? Please? Or can we at least have a Michael Jackson musical with a dancing, singing mouse that's his only real friend? Oh, wait, I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry.

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.": Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994),

2009-01-24T11:02:00.003-05:00

Today on Most Stupidest Things Ever Said, we have a new quote from a long time contributor, one who never fails to put his foot in his mouth and his hypocrisy on the table, Mr. Rush Limbaugh. Many of you may have heard that Mr. Limbaugh has been back in the media spotlight lately, with the election of a Democratic government here in the USA, his ultra-conservative views are making headlines again. Mr. Limbaugh was recently heard on his radio program saying that he hopes Barack Obama fails as President. While such a comment is not out of character, it is pretty damn rude. But our Most Stupidest Thing Ever Said comes from his EIB week in review, where he tried to back peddle his way out of trouble. Let's watch!

Speaking honestly, I mean look, people are misunderstanding this, Snerdley got a couple calls from some of his buddies last night, "What did your boss mean, he wants the president to fail?" I remain dumbfounded at the high degree, the high level of ignorance that there is out there. If it took a Drive-By reporter, Jim VandeHei of The Politico to finally understand this and to try to get the Drive-Bys up to speed on all this. But I just want to say, folks, look I support Obama. I just don't support his policies. I support our president, like I have supported all presidents. I just don't support Obama's policies. I don't support the nationalization of the banks, which has happened. I don't support the nationalization of the auto companies. I don't support the nationalization of the mortgage business. I don't like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd running things. And I don't want that to continue. But I support our president. I'm like anybody else, I support the president. I just don't support the policies.

Hey, Rush, time to get your facts straight, buddy. The nationalization of the banks? Happened under Bush. The nationalization of auto companies? Bush again. Mortgage business? Oh, right, that Bush guy started that too.

I know that in your head, saying you support the President without supporting his policies is a way to point out the "absurdity" of the statement "I support the troops, but I don't support the war," but it really doesn't work that way. You see, as Americans, we have the choice and the freedom to support or not support a war (or a President, for that matter.) And since our tax dollars go toward paying for said war, it's our duty to voice such opinions. Now, since our tax dollars also go toward paying for the armed forces, we can, in fact, say that we want our (allegedly) elected leaders to spend money on the soldiers and not the war. See the distinction yet? You can have an army and not a war. You cannot, however, say that you support a President and not his policies, because a Presidency is defined by policies. Not supporting a war means disagreeing with the President and his policies (something protected by your little friend, the first amendment), since he is the Commander in Chief. It means that you do not support the elected leaders of this country, and you are willing to exercise your right to vote them out of a job in the next election. Which is exactly what we did.

So, just so we're clear:

"I support the troops but not the war" ≠ "I support the President but not his policies"

Unless you're using support to mean that you physically take the load of the President's weight, to hold him from slipping. Are you telling us that Rush Limbaugh is the President's chair? Or are you supplying him with money? Is it that 8th definition, that you're only tolerating the President? I think that one has fallen out of common use; after all, the quote was from Samuel Johnson.

Such a difficult language, English. I know that when I say I support the troops, I mean that I advocate their welfare. I want to make sure that they get good health care, proper armor and protection, that their lives will not be squandered on a war for, say, oil. I can't say that I act in a subordinate or secondary role to any of them, but I do appreciate the fact that they're willing to get shot at. So, please, Mr. Limbaugh, elaborate on your statement. In exactly what way do you support the President, if you don't support his policies?

"When you make a mistake, admit it. If you don't, you only make matters worse."
Ward Cleaver

2009-01-22T13:31:00.003-05:00

Well. Here it is. The last day of my second decade on Earth. T minus 2:44:26. So many things to say. I'm going to miss my youth, and all of the youthful things that I will miss; in the missing of my youthfulness. Ah, bulls***t. I'm still 22 in my head, and that's all that matters. Let's get vashnigyered!

So many things to mock, so little time:

First things first. The day that we've all been waiting for for 8 years has come and gone, and so has W. I don't know about you, but I feel better already. I still don't have a job, but at least I have hope. Let's see if the cable company will take that instead of cash.

Many of you know that W. left Pres. Obama a personal letter in the Oval Office. Well, Gizmodo has the inside scoop on what was actually in the envelope.

Also, W.'s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, left a letter for Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, giving them advice on living in the White House. Hopefully, one of the tips was to avoid getting arrested for underage drinking.

In slightly more pointless news, ESPN is holding a mock NFL draft today. Because these are things we need to worry about. Guys, in case you haven't noticed, football season hasn't ended yet. They still have that little game that gets played every winter to do yet. I know it's easy to overlook, since almost nobody pays attention to this thing, but you might want to hold off on picking any foosball players until they've got a champion. Just a thought. Oh, and, BTW, the f'n draft doesn't happen until APRIL. Stop wasting our time with this crap until at least March.

Well, I think that's all the spleen I have to vent for now. If I come up with some more, you'll be the first to know.

1:39:00 of my 20's left.

"We have a saying in the movement that we don’t trust anybody over 30."
Jack Weinberg (1940-2006)

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."
Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

2009-01-14T11:02:00.002-05:00

Wow. I guess it's that time of year again. The time of year where people get that glazed expression, walking around like zombies, waiting for the inevitable end of this yearly phenomenon. The time of year when hording and gluttony run rampant; when addiction and longing lead to the destruction of lives. The time of the year when that most mysterious and elusive of sandwiches reappears for a limited time only. That's right: The McRib is back! For a limited time ONLY! Why are you still reading this? You should be running RUNNING! to the car and driving at an insane speed to McDonald's RIGHT NOW so you can get your lips around the tangy tasty BBQ sauce and mystery meat that is a McRib. So what if there is no animal on earth shaped like that! It tastes GOOD! And it's MEAT! Consume mass quantities, because it's here for a LIMITED TIME ONLY! OMG! Don't know where a participating McDonald's near you is? Use the McRib Locator (I kid you not). Because what good is having a tool as powerful as the Internet if you can't use it to find artificially flavored/colored/pressed meat products? So get your ass to Micky D's now, and buy 7000 McRibs and freeze the 5000 you don't scarf down right away so that you have enough to get you through the long, cold, bleak winter of 2009 until the McRib comes around again. What are you still doing here! Go! Now!

"Like a rib, it tastes like liberty. Like a rib, with a bun of sesame. We start with authentic, letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, till it's good enough for Krusty."
-Ribwich ad from The Simpsons

Side effects may include: addiction, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart attack, colon cancer, leprosy, stomach ulcers, gangrene, and blindness. But who cares, it tastes good. And it's here for a LIMITED TIME ONLY!

2009-01-06T08:46:00.001-05:00

What's that? I can't hear you! I played golf this morning. I'm still not giving up my burner.

2008-12-31T13:01:00.001-05:00

In case you missed this during the last election, and for all you Sarah Palin sympathizers out there:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Sarah Palin Gender Card

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

2008-12-31T10:17:00.004-05:00

If any of you out there are wondering why it's been 40 years since NASA has sent anyone to the moon or beyond, here's a little hint: Columbia disaster 'not survivable', NASA concludes. Yeah, you read that right. It's taken them 5 years to figure out what 7 astronauts could have told you in 3 seconds. A note to newspaper type people out there: please think before you print some of these headlines, ok? At least make Leno work for a living.

I saw this at the supermarket yesterday. I'd really like to know what was going through the mind of the person who wrote it, because it makes my brain hurt:

I wish I had a witty comment for this, but I think it speaks for itself:

Merry New Year!

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.": Jane Austen

2008-12-27T08:34:00.002-05:00

FDA OKs 1st Eyelash Drug Latisse

That's right. You read that correctly. Finally, after all those years of thin, light eyelashes, you can now buy a drug that will thicken and darken lashes. I can't tell you how excited I am by this. It's like a dream come true. I've been so ashamed to go out in public, because I just know everyone is looking at my eyelashes and thinking "Wow, it must be so hard living like that." But not anymore! No sir! Now, with Latisse I can have the confidence to show my face in public knowing that my eyelashes are thick and full and bushy and dark and hairy and gorgeous! Thank you, Allergan! You have answered my prayers!

In other news, still no cure for AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer 's, Parkinson's, or hundreds of other crippling, fatal diseases. You may be dead, but your eyelashes will look great, and your dick will be hard! Happy New Year!

"The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. "

-Idiocracy

2008-12-23T09:22:00.003-05:00

I saw this ad on TV last night. I have to wonder just who thought that a snowman selling cell phone service was a good idea. As you can see, we're winning the war on drugs.

No. You're not.

Sorry, gang. That's all I got. I'm gonna go back to cleaning the house now.

"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
Roy Blount Jr.

2008-12-18T13:15:00.000-05:00

And, for those of you who missed the reception...

2008-12-18T12:51:00.000-05:00

I know it was a while ago when I promised wedding pics, but here you go.

2008-12-15T09:47:00.002-05:00

So, as many of you know, President Bush yesterday was nearly shoed by an irate Iraqi reporter. In case you've been in a cave for the last 24 hours, here's the video:

Now, I can't really say I disagree with the guy. He was pissed about all the people that have died since the US invaded. I really hope that he gets a fair trial and a fair punishment. While I have to agree that he does have a right to freedom of speech and expression, that does not include violence against another living thing (even if said living thing was George W. Bush.)

Having said that, I just want to know one thing: where the hell was the Secret Service? Why was nobody flying across that lectern to take a shoe for the President? The prime minister of Iraq was doing more to protect the guy then his own body guards were. What's up, fellas? Just because Georgie gave up on being President 18 months ago doesn't mean you can too. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that every Secret Service agent wants nothing more than to take a bullet for the POTUS. So why not a shoe? Not dignified enough? BTW, nice moves Georgie. Good to see you're keeping fit.

In a related story, some of you may know that I got laid off last week. This is allegedly a temporary "hiccup" (their word, not mine) and should be over some time around February. We'll see. In the mean time, I urge you to keep up the letters to Ed McMahon. I figure, if I can get that million dollars between now and Feb., I won't have to go back. It could happen to me!

On the plus side, I'll now have all kinds of time to blog. Arent' you lucky!

"In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from."

Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005)

2008-12-09T20:58:00.003-05:00

Wow. This is too good. Over at J&D's website (jdfoods.net) you can buy quite possibly one of the most offensive items of the holiday season: a menorah of bacon flavored salt. That's right goyim and mensches, you can have your own 8 days of bacony goodness, and it's Kosher, too! I'm not really sure how that works, but damn it's funny. And in case that's not enough bacon for you, you can also get the Baconnaise case. Ugh, I think I blocked an artery just typing that.

Forget that! Check this out! Holy Crap! Can it be May now?

"Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo! "

Olson Johnson, Blazing Saddles

2008-12-05T02:03:00.003-05:00

This is pretty self explanatory. Add your own snarky comment here.

2008-12-03T08:59:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make:

I know what I want for Christmas this year. THIS.

It's ok. You can go in on it together.

In other news, let's discuss how sad this is: Lance Bass Says Britney's Poised for 'Comeback of All Time'.

That's right. Someone whose career is over commenting on someone whose career should be over, in the grand daddy of don't care. I mean, really? Lance Bass? What, was Justin Timberlake too busy? Were the New Kids on the Block not commenting on this one? How about Color Me Badd? I know Milli Vanilli is dead, so it's kinda hard to get their take on the whole thing, but couldn't you at least try? This is what's wrong with the press today. They no longer have any pride in their work. Harrumph.

"Sanity is a madness put to good use.": George Santayana (1863 - 1952)

2008-11-16T13:52:00.003-05:00

Hey, lookie! Pastis reads my blog!

On a more serious note, I need to talk to you people about a scourge on our nation. Yesterday, I went to Costco. Now, going to Costco on a weekend is a dangerous proposition to begin with. But yesterday, I saw things that nobody should be subject to. People, please, get this through your head: pulling your fat ass off the couch to walk around Costco DOES NOT count as exercise. OK? Especially when you stop at every free sample stand and then get 3 hot dogs, a pizza, and a cheese steak at the little cafe in front of the store. And the diet soda? Yeah, not really helping there. I'd like to send a little proposal to our new Congress and President: if you're so serious about reforming health care in this country, then you need to pass a new law. The law should say that if you weigh more than 250 lbs, you cannot be a member of Costco, Sam's Club, or BJ's. Unless you're over 7' tall. Then you have to be over 300 lbs. I think you'd cut the rate of heart disease in this country by about half.
And what's with you people who are totally oblivious to the fact htat there are other shopping carts in the store? This one jerk, had his cart parked perpendicular to the aisle, blocking the rest of it with his huge ass. There were, like, 15 people waiting for him to finish reading the FDA label on a 5 gallon jug of Cheez Whiz (here's a hint: you don't need it.) I bet this moron drives his car like that, and that's why you can't get into the damn parking lot.

Next time: Viagra commercials: are they effective, or just really, really creepy? And does the King approve of them using his song?

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.": George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

2008-11-09T19:47:00.003-05:00

So bored. Hi gang. So I'm stuck here at this wedding, listening to this horrid cover band, and waiting for the Giants game to start. I've discovered that NFL.com lets you stream Sunday and Thursday night football games. Bonus. Uh oh, it's the 'my pussah' song. You know, the "Please Don't Stop the Music" one, that all you really want is for the music to stop. Oh boy, now it's cake cutting time! Can't this thing be over.

Earlier today, the maid of honor was trying to describe to me how she wanted the room to look for the ceremony, and she said "How would you want this room to look if it was your wedding?" to which I replied "No, I already made that decision this year. This one's up to you."

I've been doing alot of weddings and bar mitzvahs the last few weeks. And it sucks. But a paycheck is a paycheck.

Just a tip to all you youngsters out there planning a wedding: check out the music you plan on using for the ceremony before you make a final decision. Yesterday, I worked a wedding that used November Rain by Guns 'N Roses as their walk in music. Now, I know some of you recoil just because it's Guns 'N Roses, but it was played by a string quintet, so there was an attempt at class.

I don't know how many of you are familiar with this song, but it's got to be the most horrible song I've ever heard playing at a wedding. Just look at the first line of the song: When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. Doesn't that just say everlasting love to you? Just because the video is about a wedding, does not make the song a love song. In fact, if you WATCHED the damn video, you'd know it's a song about a wedding that FAILS. In fact, it fails before the end of the wedding reception. So people, please, I beg you, use your brain once in a while, ok?

And now: Crimes Against Spandex!

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I rest my case. I'm going to go vomit now.

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

Jack Handey (1949 - )

2008-09-21T11:13:00.002-05:00

See. and you all thought I was kidding when I said that radical Muslims were referring to Disney when they called America the "Great Satan."

In other news, the wedding was a smash hit. Everyone had a great time. We're so glad all of you came, and had fun, and we can't wait for the next one! Pics forthcoming...

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)

2008-09-17T08:26:00.002-05:00

What does it mean when the Wall Street Journal proclaims a Democrat's health care plan better than a Republican's?

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

2008-09-16T19:42:00.002-05:00

Just so you all know, John McCain invented the Blackberry. CNN has the story. I know. I couldn't believe it myself. Between that, and Sarah Palin, I don't know how this man cannot be the next President of the US. It worked for Al Gore!

Wedding plans are going smoothly. The pants on my tux were a bit too short today, but they let them out in about 5 minutes. Other than that, it's been great. That's all I got for now. Fringe is coming on. You should watch it. But not with your kids.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."
V.I. Lenin (1870 - 1924)

"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth."
Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

2008-07-14T20:55:00.003-05:00

Hi gang. I know you're all expecting new blogs now that I'm back on the road, but this tour is INSANE. So much kak. But hopefully I'll have more time now that this 3-D film shoot is over. Meanwhile, watch this:

http://view.break.com/536276 - Watch more free videos

Worst crane game prize ever.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

2008-03-14T07:18:00.001-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next American Idol!

2008-02-23T22:23:00.002-05:00

Wow. I'm still blown away by the amount of money spent on children's birthdays. Today, I'm working a bat mitzvah. There's a DJ, of course, as well as 4 tattoo artists (airbrushed, of course), a pool table, a photo booth, two guitar hero setups, live video, 3 photographers, a sushi station, and that's just the beginning! If this is the 13th birthday, what do you do for the wedding? I don't even want to know.

So. What else do I got? Not much. The Oscars are tomorrow, if you care about that sort of thing. Personally, I don't really care much. I want to see a few of the movies that are nominated, and I think it would be cool if Daniel Day Lewis finally wins an Oscar, but other than that and Jon Stewart hosting I really don't care. I think I'd rather read about it on Monday than watch, which is exactly what I'll do. Especially since I'm working tomorrow night. Which brings me to:

Will Ferrel. Anyone seen his "Funny or Die" comedy tour? No? Shocking. But they've sold out Radio City Music Hall, so someone must still want to watch this crap. And I'm sure Semi-Pro will make a bajillion dollars opening weekend (well, one bajillion, nine hundred seventy thousand, four hundred twenty three dollars and seventeen cents, to be exact.) And I'm not sure why, other than that there really are that many morons out there. I mean, come on. If this horse hasn't been beaten to death yet, it's certainly well tenderized by now. The result? I have to sit through 2 hours of SNL rejects tomorrow night. Lucky me.

I don't know. Here, distract yourselves with this, I've got nothing left.

"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over."

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950)

2008-02-15T13:50:00.001-05:00

2/14/2008

Sitting backstage at a Rufus Wainwright show is not my ideal for Valentine’s Day. But then again, the bills gots ta get paid, so here I am.

Sean Lennon was the opening act. I couldn’t hear much from back here, but he does look like his father (and his mother, strangely enough). It didn’t sound bad, but didn’t really make me go “hey, that’s some really good stuff.” Ah well.

I feel like I’ve been quite lax with my blogging lately (thank you, anonymous, for that comment). There’s so much going on I want to comment about, but just don’t seem to find the time. So I’m going to work backwards from today until I’m done.

Tuesday was nice. The snow didn’t really surprise me, though it did seem to surprise the weather people. Like Lewis Black said, meteorologist is the Greek word for “liar.” Amanda and I went to the Harp and Bard around the corner and hung out with the bartender. Surprisingly, my cousin David showed up. It was great that he came. I really wish more of my cousins came out when I called, but I understand that I usually go out on weeknights and that’s not the best time for most. Ah well. It won’t stop me from trying.

The last week or so before that is kind of a blur. My favorite time of year, Vacuous Week; excuse me, Fashion Week in New York City. Between that and the Concierto Del Amor at Madison Square Garden on Saturday, it was a loooooong week. And after the last show I did at MSG during Fashion Week, it was a very stressful week. Surprisingly, and satisfyingly, everything worked.

The worst part about Fashion Week this year was the fact that I had to work during the Super Bowl. I made it out just in time to hear The Catch on the radio, and made it to the bar just in time for Plaxico Burress to score the winning touchdown. I must say though, that I’m most disappointed about missing the halftime show. For the first time I can remember, I was excited to see it. Dad TiVO’d it for me, but there’s still something about that that’s still not the same.

Other news… we’ve been searching for wedding type places. Still nothing definite, but we’re getting closer. Details will be forthcoming by the end of the month.

Roy Scheider died last week. I can’t say I’m an expert on his work, but he made some excellent films, and was one of my favorite actors. I was very sorry to hear it.

What else: my 29^th birthday came and went, and I still don’t feel like an adult. Though I’ve joked that it’s “my last birthday” and I can’t trust myself after next year, so maybe it’ll kick in in 2009.

Speaking of January 2009, let’s talk about politics, politics, politics! Where to begin? I really think that the more I hear about Barack Obama, the more I like him. Hillary may have more experience, but think about what kind of experience. Her husband was one of the most polarizing figures in American politics. It amazes me that despite how exhausting the late 90’s were politically, with Whitewater and Monica Lewinsky and even Vince Foster, among others, that people actually look back on the 90’s as a great decade. Yeah, the economy was great and people were making money; but at what cost? It was so bad that people thought George W. Bush was a good alternative. I must give Bush credit for one thing: he claimed to be a uniter, not a divider, and that’s true. He’s managed to unite almost the entire world against him and the US. Nice job. You've somehow made us nostalgic for the Clinton years.

How about the other side, you say? Well, in 2000 John McCain sounded like a good candidate. Certainly a much better alternative to W. The guy had combat experience; he was a moderate on things like gun control and campaign finance reform; most importantly: he wasn’t a Jesus freak. I could have voted for him. What’s happened in 8 years? Well, “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran” for one. I mean, we’ve spent 5 years, 4000 American lives, and TRILLIONs of dollars on a war in Iraq, for what? And this guy wants to take it to Iran? No thank you. Thanks for playing, better luck next time. Other good McCain points: he wouldn't mind staying in Iraq for 100 years? Let's see, that's 4000 lives in 5 years, so over 100 years that's only 80,000 Americans. Yeah, we can spare that. Just make sure you have two kids and you'll be ok. Most of all, he's 72 years old. It's time for some new blood, some people who still have an investment in the future, not an anchor to the past.

I know Obama has some bad things too, but they seem like mostly superficial things. Yeah, he lived in a Muslim country for part of his childhood. Shouldn’t that be an advantage? Here’s a guy who has lived with our enemy. He understands them. He knows how they think, and why they hate us. Who better to negotiate with them? After all, George Washington was a British officer before he was an American President. Obama may not have beltway experience, but neither did John Kennedy, and he’s considered one of the greatest Presidents ever. JFK had life experience, and so does Barack. Yeah, he's got one or two contributors with questionable pasts; show me a politician who doesn't and I'll show you Ross Perot.

On to my other fave subject: religion! I’ve been reading a book called The Year of Living Biblically. It’s an interesting read. The author is a writer for Esquire magazine, who previously wrote a book about reading the Encyclopedia Britannica from cover to cover. He’s a secular New Yorker, who decides that he’s going to follow the Bible literally for 365 days. He begins by reading the Bible, and then reads several different versions just to make sure he’s got all the rules. He finds over 700 commandments in the various texts, and proceeds to follow them all as best he can. He begins to wear all white, and attaches tassels to his clothes, avoids mixed fibers, grows his beard out, changes his diet, and begins to pray 3 times a day. He says that the rules are hard to follow at first, especially the no lying one. But as he goes on and researches more and more into Judaism and then Christianity, he finds that function follows form; that is he begins to become spiritual, if not religious. It’s an amazing look at religion from a view you don’t normally get. He tries to follow some of the more obscure rules, things that even the most Orthodox don’t normally do. I won’t say it’s changed my mind about religion or fundamentalism, but I think I’m starting to understand some of those rules.

What else is there? I know there’s a ton of stuff that’s happened in the last two months, but I can’t remember and/or maybe don’t want to tell the whole universe. Rufus and Sean just started playing “Across the Universe.” What a great song. I’ll leave you with this thought: Beatles songs are some of the hardest to cover. Why? Because most people know them, and many people have preconceived notions of them, so if you do it poorly, they’re instantly turned off by them. If, however, you do it well, then it just seems like you’re playing a Beatles song because you don’t have the talent to write a good song of your own. It’s a no win situation, really.

I needed to add this in: After the show, one of the stagehands said to me "It wasn't a bad show, but it had too much ALS in it for me." And my first thought was "What does Lou Gehrig's disease have to do with this?" Then he explained "ALS: Alternative Life Style. It's some politically correct was of saying 'GAY'." Yes, yes it was. From the dancing nuns to the cross dressing to the neon green suit, the show was DEFINITELY ALS.

Heywood Floyd (Roy Scheider): I'd love a hot dog.
Walter Curnow (John Lithgow): Astrodome. Good hot dogs there.
Heywood Floyd: Astrodome? You can't grow a good hot dog indoors. Yankee Stadium. September. The hot dogs have been boiling since opening day in April. Now that's a hot dog.
Walter Curnow: The yellow mustard or the darker kind?
Heywood Floyd: The darker kind.
Walter Curnow: Very important.

-2010:Odyssey Two

"The important thing is to do good work, no matter what medium you do it in."
-Roy Scheider

2008-01-12T21:39:00.001-05:00

Wanted to share this with you all. This is from last Halloween. And yes, this is what we do at work.

2007-12-18T08:01:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in a month, but it's been busy, 'k. Besides, nothing really new has happened. But I saw this and needed to share:

Almost half of U.S. Internet users 'Google' themselves

Shouldn't that read "More than half of US Internet users are liars"? Cuz I KNOW you've "Googled" yourself. And just about everyone out there has. So why are we so embarrassed to admit it? Talk amongst yourselves.

"That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you."

A. Whitney Brown

2007-11-12T01:15:00.000-05:00

As you may have heard, the IATSE Local 1 went on strike this weekend. While this strike affects only Broadway and not the rock and other venues that I usually work at, it still has an impact on the industry as a whole. Many of the news articles I've read in the past day have focused on the fact that the stagehands have gone on strike during Broadway's busiest season. This is not a coincidence. Many of the articles feature quotes from children and tourists, trying to make it seem as if the evil IA has ruined their holiday season just because they're greedy. What I haven't seen much of is the fact that, while the producers have offered a 16% increase in pay, they want to cut 38% of the jobs. So yeah, you'll be making more money. If you still have a job. This press release has more info. And you should check out more about the IA Local 1, including this little nugget you won't see in the paper, here.

So tell me, my friends and neighbors, why is it that the price of a ticket for a show in PREVIEWS (Young Frankenstein) is over $120, but the stagehands are the greedy ones. Know how much of that goes to the stagehands? About 8% ($9.60, for those of you not so good at the math.) I'm sorry, I mean, I've seen how things work, I know that sometimes there are guys on a call who don't really do alot, but you can't tell me that you're losing money. Where's the disconnect here?

Now, most of the Local One stagehands I work with are hard working guys. They do their job, and most make enough to live comfortably. I can't say I know any who live on Central Park west, or ride a limo to work, or send their kids to Montessori schools. But I do know that they love and take pride in their work; that they know their craft better than anyone else; and that they, above all others, know that the show must go on. I mean, this is a union that has not walked out. Ever. As one IA brother I was working with yesterday put it, "I feel sorry for Ma and Pa Kettle, who've been saving up all year for a trip to New York." Nobody wants the theatres to be dark; but sometimes you need to make a stand for what's right.

This strike is indicative of one of the most basic problems in the USA today: the growing gap between the middle and upper class. As we move into an election year that will have an unbelievable impact on the next century, the outcome of this, along with the writers guild strike, will set the tone for labor relations for decades to come. So choose your side carefully: do you support the average American, or the elite minority?

"So ya thought ya might like to go to the show.
To feel the warm thrill of confusion, that space cadet glow.
I got me some bad news for you, Sunshine.
Pink isn't well, he stayed back at the hotel,
And he sent us along as a surrogate band.
We're gonna find out where you fans really stand."
- Pink Floyd, In The Flesh!, The Wall

2007-10-26T15:18:00.001-05:00

And so here I am at The World Famous Apollo Theatre in Harlem NY (I'm actually required to call it that; some weird contractual obligation) working Sing, Harlem, Sing. So much for taking it easy for a few days and healing...

Actually, it's not all that bad. I got a call last night at 8:30; apparently they needed someone to push some buttons. I can deal with that. The only thing is that I don't really know the console that the designer requested. Apparently, he doesn't either. At least, not well enough to patch it. He's programmed the rest of the show; all I had to do was patch the lights. That, I can handle. The only real catch is that the whole crew is Japanese, and my Japanese is rusty at best (ok, it's actually non-existent, but who's counting?) SO trying to figure out what the LD wants through a translator has been a fun time, but everything's working now (at least, the lights. Video, that's another story. A NMP story.) And that's that.

It's nice to be home again, at least for now. I'll probably be stressed out and hating it by next week, but I'm glad to be sleeping in my own bed and able to take a hot shower and things like that. Oh, and seeing Amanda every day is a good thing too. So that's bout it. I don't really know what's coming up next week, and I don't really care right now. So, from The World Famous Apollo Theatre in Harlem, NY, Good Night!

The Band? The BAND!

"We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it."
Roald Dahl (1916 - 1990)

2007-10-23T11:23:00.001-05:00

So, that last one never really got finished. Oh well. We're pulling into LA for my last day on the tour. We're only two hours late for load in, but hey, who's counting, really? And it's not like there isn't already a crew there working, so it shouldn't be too bad, right? I don't really know what else to say... it's a kind of a just blah. I lost $13 in Las Vegas yesterday. But had some REALLY good sushi. Especially since I was in the desert. That was surprising. Umm... what else? Seattle, Portland, San Fransisco... all went pretty well. Seattle was a bit tough with the arena rig coming back out, but the show went off, not the smoothest ever, but it worked. That's what matters. San Fransisco was Ally's birthday. I made this awesome photoshop for him, but the cue didn't work or Lucas didn't project it or something. We were going to get him during the intermission before the encore. Lucas hit him with a spot and I came out with some cake from catering with a candle... I couldn't really get the audience to sing tho... they were too busy screaming like little girls. Oh well. So here's the awesome photoshop for the world to enjoy...

The Original

The Awesome Photoshop

"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong."

Wolfgang Pauli (1900 - 1958)

2007-10-16T21:48:00.002-05:00

Why, you may be asking yourself, is there a picture of a door with a stool in it? What is the meaning of this? Well, take a look at the sign on the door. In case you can't read it, it says "Fire Door Do Not Obstruct". I love walking in to a building and seeing things like that.

Boise, ID. A great place if you're a Mormon or a potato (is there a difference, really?) As I'm neither, I don't really like this place. I will say that it IS better than Salt Lake City yesterday. The Venue was a dump. This place is small, and a bit backwards. The truck and buses had to park about 3 blocks away. And I had to show my ID to be allowed to work. Some weird law about being over 21 in a place that serves alcohol. So even though I'm not drinking, and I'm working, I have to have a bracelet on saying I'm over 21. I really don't like Mormons.

2007-10-14T10:00:00.000-05:00

Wow, 3 posts in 24 hours... must be a record or something. Just saw this, and it's too unbelievable not to share. Yeah, unbelievable is definitely the right word...

"Luke: I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you.
Princess Leia: You're who? "

Mark Hamill and Carrie Fisher, Star Wars IV: A New Hope

2007-10-13T23:10:00.000-05:00

I just went to see the Avalanche play, because I'm in Denver and they were too. They beat the Columbus Blue Jackets 5-1, and it was an awesome game. Joe Sakic scored a hat trick, Milan Hejduk had 2 goals and 2 assists, and there were 3 misconducts in the last 5 minutes. They looked really good, and really loosened up after the second goal. Their defense is still kinda weak, but the right trade could get them in a strong playoff spot. It was a great evening.

The Great American Beer festival is going on in Denver right now, and I didn't go. It was sold out. So I went to the hockey game instead. It was worth it. Though walking back to the hotel was interesting: you can definitely tell that there's a beer festival going on.

So now I'm gonna take a shower and go to bed. The excitement of life on the road.

"A good hockey player plays where the puck is. A great hockey player plays where the puck is going to be."

Wayne Gretzky (1961 - )

2007-10-13T13:56:00.000-05:00

Well! I know you've all been waiting with baited breath for my next blog entry, and HERE IT IS! Aren't you lucky! Now, on with the boredom!

Back on the road again with Interpol. We had a 10 day break, and started up again in Kansas City, where Senior Murphy was waiting for me, with all his laws. There's an old joke in theatre: why don't they give stage managers a lunch break? Because it's too hard to re-train them. Well, I think my gear must know this joke, because after 10 days, none of it wanted to work. I think I've spent the last three days running around fixing things and trying to get the show to run properly. Other than a slight projector malfunction (read: some jerk kicked the plug out), things have mostly worked.

Chicago was a good time. The Aragon ballroom. Good stage hands. Lotsa room. Interesting fact: it was one of the last places that both Buddy Holly and Kurt Cobain performed. Makes you wonder.

Minneapolis: nice town. Didn't really get to see much of it, since I spent the whole day trying to make the projector work, but the block between the bus and the stage door was nice. All I can say is this: screw you Murphy, and your damn law.

So now we're driving from Minneapolis to Denver, it's hour 13 of the 14 hour drive, and we're watching Grumpy Old Men. Burgess Meredith is so damn funny in this movie. Don't get me wrong, Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau redoing the Odd Couple shtick is great, but Burgess Meredith just out funnies the both of them. We watched Dawn of the Dead (the original George Romero version) before: another classic. Blood, gore, death and destruction, all with a social message.

I have to refer you to this blog: My Year of Flops. Nathan Rabin, who is a film critic for The Onion, has been running this blog for most of the year, and it's hysterical. The entry about Batman & Robin is pure gold. The only thing better? The Catwoman entry! Check it out.

Ok, that's enough of this. Get back to work.

"I show up. I listen. I try to laugh."

Anna Quindlen

2007-09-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

Greetings from New Orleans! The Crescent City is rather damp today (ok, REALLY damp) but no less busy than usual. Driving into town this morning was rather shocking. Many of the houses around here are still in ruins. It's really sad, to see these homes with no roofs and piles of debris on the front yard. I wish I knew what to do about it.

The past week or so has been quite busy. University of Miami was an easier gig than expected, then the Ryman in Nashville. The Grand Ol' Opry. Always an interesting show. On to Houston tomorrow, then Stubb's BBQ in Austin and Dallas, then home for a week. Can't wait.

I really want to make some kind of comment on pop culture right now, but between OJ and Britney I'm just overloaded. So I'm just gonna go back to my show now, and we'll continue this discussion later.

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."

Thomas Szasz, The Second Sin (1973) "Personal Conduct"

2007-09-17T20:26:00.000-05:00

On the road again...

Well, here we are in Orlando, F-L-A. We're staying at the Hard Rock Hotel, which is the hotel for people who can't get enough crappy rock and roll memorabilia from the Hard Rock Cafe. I mean, do I really need a hotel room with pictures of the Temptations, Elvis, and TWO pictures of the Beatles on the wall? I don't think so. But hey, where else can you get a do not disturb sign that says "I hear ya knockin', but ya can't come in?" Wow.

In other news, the stress from the Madison Square Garden show has given me a nice head cold, which makes me miserable. I spent my entire day off in Orlando, literally walking distance from Universal Studios, in bed. Awesome. As far as the MSG show, well, I did everything I could. But I guess there's just some things you can't prevent. Read all about it here. Some good pics here. Oh well. I'm over it. Life goes on, and the rest of the tour should be fun, right? Sure.

This made me laugh yesterday when Ally showed it to me. I can't believe this guy is serious. And if he is, he should really think about removing himself from the gene pool. Thanks. Oh, yeah, language warning!

"In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes."
- Andy Warhol

2007-09-01T17:08:00.000-05:00

So, I can't believe it's September (bet you didn't know about that one.) already. Where does the time go? I just watched a really messed up movie that's been sitting on my shelf for a while. It's called In The Bedroom. You probably heard about it a few years ago, Sissy Spacek and about half the cast were nominated for Oscars, as was the movie. So it's about this couple, who's teenage son (played by John Connor himself, Nick Stahl) is dating a single mother of two, played by Marisa Tomei (who somehow manages to sound like she's from Brooklyn even when she speaks with a New England accent). Trouble comes around in the body of Tomei's ex-husband, who doesn't like the fact that she's seeing other men. Well, as Netflix puts it, the relationship ends in tragedy, and the next hour and 15 minutes of the film is spent on how the parents deal with this tragedy. It's got that kind of ending that you see coming from a mile away, but still can't believe is going to happen. That's all I'll say.

I was driving home from the Hammerstein Ballroom this morning, reflecting on what an interesting week it's been (and realizing that I need to turn the music up louder when I drive, as I keep coming up with some really WEIRD stuff while I drive.) So in the space of a week, I've gone from gross out frat boy humor at the Garden State Arts Center (Opie and Anthony's Traveling Virus) to legends of country music (or the NJ redneck festival, depending on your point of view) with Willie Nelson and Mearle Haggard, to the we-listen-to-reggae-as-an-excuse-to-smoke-pot (or because we smoke pot?) that was the Hot97 Reggae Tip at the Hammerstein Ballroom last night. Talk about extremes, with one unifying theme: marijuana. Scary.

I'm not entirely sure what Hot97 considers reggae, but what I heard was mostly Jamaican hip hop. The only act I would call reggae is Stephen Marley and the Marley Family. That's about it. Best part of the whole show: when the Elephant man fell off the stage trying to hang off of the truss ladder. Little tip to the "most energetic man in reggae": smoke. less. crack, you homo hatin, big eared, ugly ass mutha. That is all.

"Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it."

Jane Wagner

2007-08-29T07:09:00.000-05:00

I did a show with Willie Nelson and Merle Haggard last night. I just want to say that it was a great show. I'm not a big fan of country music, but these three guys (Ray Price was the third) have been playing for something like 150 years combined, and still come out and put on a great show. Watching all three of them on stage together is not something I would have gone out to see on my own, but I'm really glad that I saw it. They were amazing.

Something that occurred to me as I was driving home last night: there is no such thing as a bad gig, only a bad attitude. Don't know why that popped into my brain, but it made alot of sense, and it's been bouncing around in there ever since. Hopefully it'll stick somewhere.

I guess that's all. Between Jamie's wedding next week, and trying to get Interpol back on the road (9/7-10/23!) life's been non stop the past week or so... I hate to say it, but I can't wait to be back on the road so that things will slow down!

I saw this awning when I was in Kentucky. I didn't know this was such an issue down there. Maybe they need a ribbon thingy that celebrities can wear at award shows to look "hip"...

Oh, one more thing: guess what I did!

Oh wow! Two years, 300 days since I last did that. The ponytail was 12" long.

" Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy. "
-- Frank Sinatra

2007-08-23T17:36:00.000-05:00

So, this occurred to me as I was driving home tonight: I wish I had really curly hair, like black people have. What I would do, is I would cut it short, like a half inch, and then shave spots in it all around, and then let it grow out a little and shave the spots again, and let it grow out until I had a big afro with dimples and my head looked like a giant black golf ball. That would rock.

"Aerodynamically the bumble bee should not be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn't know it so it goes on flying anyway."

Mary Kay Ash

2007-07-31T14:39:00.000-05:00

Well, here we are, in the lovely town of Indianapolis. Today, we're playing at the Egyptian Room, which looks exactly like you think. I think I've come up with a surefire gauge for how well a tour is going: when the stagehands you have today are dumber than the stagehands you had yesterday, your tour is not going well. At all. Period. I'm not looking forward to load out tonight.

I think it's kinda sad, actually, that Detroit, that city I loathe so much, has been the bright spot of the last week or so. The hands at the State theatre (sorry, Live Channel, but I will not call it the Fillmore. Ever.) were awesome. Everything went so smooth, I almost don't hate Detroit anymore.

So after Grand Rapids, with a truss that didn't fly and looked like it was about to fall any minute, I thought it couldn't get worse. Then we hit Milwaukee, where they had Studio Spots hanging from a truss by spansets. What's the big deal, you ask? Well, when you have a moving light fixture on the end of a string (basically), and it starts to swing around with the music, it tends to keep on swinging even when you don't want it to. When Lucas asked the house LD where the Studio Colors were, he told us those were Studio Colors. If you click the links to the photos, you'll see that those two lights are pretty hard to confuse. But that wasn't the best part. The best part was that the guy who supplied the lights, who looked like he got stuck somewhere in 1984, disappeared before everything was working. Suddenly, the house lighting console didn't work. Then the backup broke. Now it's 6 pm, the opener has sound checked, and we still don't have house lights. Awesome. Kip Winger (the lighting contractor) finally showed up at about 6:15 with some little desk that kinda worked, and the show went on.

Which brings us to Indianapolis. I knew we were in trouble when I couldn't even find the truck, because I was at the wrong stage (there's something like 3 stages in this venue.). So when I find the right stage, and see that none of the advance lighting has been hung, it portends a long day. And it has been. I think I can sum it up like this: Lucas' front light is made up of two washes, one blue, one amber. When the house LD walked up to him this morning, held up a piece of clear frost and said "Will this work for your amber wash?" I thought my head would explode.

Ok, so enough about work. Let's talk about the rest of the world:
Tammy Faye Baker Messner died last week. Boo hoo. Her face will still be around for the Rapture, I'm sure. After all, there's nothing natural about it.

Michael Vick's buddy turned around and pleaded guilty, and will probably testify against him. Who would've guessed that a guy who beats on helpless animals and forces them to fight for profit would be so disloyal?

Computerized voting machines have been hacked by a University of California team. Really? Those machines can be hacked? Gosh, and Diebold said they were so secure. Give me a hanging chad.

Apparently, some Japanese feel that history has unfairly made their actions in the Second World War seem brutal and inhuman. Guess what kids: they were. Anyone who tells you that it was a war for survival because the US and Britain were strangling them with economic sanctions is off their nut. Oh, and by the way, it was just that sort of blind, zealous nationalism that made us have to come over there and kick your butts 60 years ago. So cut it out.

So, last but not least, Ingmar Bergman died yesterday. I won't say it was a tragic thing; I mean, come on, the guy was 89; but he did have a great eye for cinema. And a really strange way of looking at the world. And so, I leave you with this:

"I shall remember this moment: the silence, the twilight, the bowl of strawberries, the bowl of milk. Your faces in the evening light. Mikael asleep, Jof with his lyre. I shall try to remember our talk. I shall carry this memory carefully in my hands as if it were a bowl brimful of fresh milk. It will be a sign to me, and a great sufficiency."

Antonius Block, Det Sjunde inseglet (The Seventh Seal)

2007-07-25T09:00:00.000-05:00

Some of you faithful readers (read: both of you. Hi Mom!) may remember my rant about MySpace.com from last October. Well, I just caught this little number on Reuters.uk this morning, and I hate to say I told you so, but MySpace is just plain evil. Here's the thing: if they found 29,000 sex offenders, how many are out there that aren't registered or haven't made themselves known yet? Food for thought the next time you let you kid on MySpace.

In other news, this article from the Hartford Courant caught my eye today as well. It really is a bad time for pro sports, with stars and officials running around doing whatever they feel like, and often getting away with it. At what point do we stand up and stop paying attention? How much longer will we continue to fund these billionaires who pay millionaires to act like spoiled children?

So I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but I found this comic strip a few weeks ago. It's called Lio, and it's really funny (dark, but funny). Here's a sample:

I'm sure we've all been there.

"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going."

Professor Irwin Corey (1914 - )

2007-07-24T15:26:00.000-05:00

I woke up in Pittsburgh this morning and looked out of the bus window to see this:

Now, I'm not really sure what goes on in a strip district, in fact, I've never even heard of a strip district, but I can't say I've ever seen a city advertise it before.

This is a rather interesting sign that was on the wall outside the theatre. It's good that Pittsburgh tries to keep their city clean by posting signs about not peeing in the street. They need some of these in New York, I think.

Otherwise, P-burgh has been a rough day. Kind of a hostile crew, and I guess the promoter doesn't want to pay for enough guys or something. So yeah, that's about it.

Cleveland went ok, the day off was good. We went over to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and wandered around there: they had an exhibit on the Warped Tour, The Doors, and The Clash. Interesting stuff, but not too exciting, really. I mean, you can only look at so many guitars and pieces of notebook paper with song lyrics on it. But it was a good waste of a few hours, I guess. And we didn't have to pay to get in, because we have tour laminates. So it was worth the money, at least.

On a sadder note, Toby Radloff, Genuine Nerd, could not make the show because he had to work on Tuesday. But Bobby did call him, and had a little chat with him and everything. It would have been supercool if he did come, but life goes on.

So tomorrow is Columbus, OH, and then a nice long drive to Grand Rapids. Hoo boy!

"Hey, careful, man, there's a beverage here!"

The Dude, The Big Lebowski

2007-07-22T10:47:00.000-05:00

Dateline: Cleveland. Apparently, it rocks. Here we are, on the bus, pulling in to Cleveland, OH. We watched American Splendor last night, because it takes place in Cleveland. Bobby, the drum tech, wants to call Tobey Radloff, the Genuine Nerd, and invite him to the show. I'm all for it. He's also taken to calling me Johnny Fontane. I kinda like that, too.

SO Norfolk, VA was kinda fun yesterday. Load in took an hour and a half, which is the fastest so far. It left us about 7 hours to do nothing, so we of course went to the mall across the street. I've come to the conclusion that every mall in America is exactly the same. It's quite boring, really. But the venue, the Norva, was pretty cool. They had a green room with a pool table, ping pong, foosball, and other stuff; as well as a hot tub and sauna in the dressing room. Not too shabby.

I didn't know this, but Norfolk is home of Michael Vick, the latest in the NFL's line of disappointments. Is it just me, or does it seem like the NFL and NBA have more violent and drug offenders than other sports? Or is it just more publicized?

Well, we're at the hotel now. I think I'm going to go wander around downtown Cleveland and see what there is to see. Hopefully something. Hasta la pasta!

"Foolish writers and readers are created for each other."

Horace Walpole (1717 - 1797)

2007-07-21T02:07:00.000-05:00

And so, here I am, day 3 of the Interpol tour. So far, so good. Day one was a little slow, but, hey, what can you expect from the hands at a ballroom in Rochester NY? Day two was much better, Atlantic Shitty, NJ: hey, at least we had real stagehands. The "rig" was up in 2 hours (pretty f'n good) but then the video bit me in the butt... as it tends to do. Ah well. Day 3 should be better.

Here's a fun little pic that I have from the hotel in day one. After all, who couldn't use a little ball room? Well, typing on a bus kinda sucks, since I can't seem to put together one sentence without a bump going by. Talking to you soon....

"When the habitually even-tempered suddenly fly into a passion, that explosion is apt to be more impressive than the outburst of the most violent amongst us."

Margery Allingham, Death of a Ghost, 1934

2007-07-14T13:32:00.000-05:00

Potential robber disarmed by taste of a fine bordeaux

Because sometimes life is just too bizarre to be real....

"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."

Woody Allen (1935 - )

2007-07-04T21:36:00.000-05:00

So, I know I promised a rant about Scooter Libby, but I have something else to do first. Seeing as this is the 4th of July, and 231 years ago a bunch of white guys got together in Philadelphia to set out their beliefs about government and humanity; and since that little meeting has become the basis for our system of government today, I thought I would do a little analysis of the Declaration of Independence.

Now, I don't know the last time you actually read Mr. Jefferson's little note to King George, but if you're like most Americans, you haven't. Oh, sure, you've seen the thing, and you might even know that it says "In Congress, July 4, 1776" at the top. You might even recognize the opening ("When in the course of human events...", not "We the People..." That's the Constitution.) Aside from the first sentence of the second paragraph ("We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.") you probably don't know any other words from the whole document, other than John Hancock's huge signature (sorry Mr. Farley, it's not Herbie Hancock.)

So where am I going with this? Well, the first paragraph speaks of the dissolution of political ties. Jefferson speaks of the rule of the British crown over the American colonies. Can we take the meaning into a modern context and say that the Federal government needs to be dissolved? I think that's a bit much, even though the system as it is is grossly inept and needs to be rethought. And I will say that there are certain political ties in our government today that do need to be dissolved. But we'll get into that later.

Paragraph two is the most famous, and the one which applies most to our current government. In it, Jefferson speaks of "Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness," three unalienable rights which no government may curtail. In fact, Jefferson says that it is the purpose of government to protect these rights above all else. Government is created by the consent of the people; and it must be removed when it violates that trust. Jefferson goes on to say that the complete removal of government is a messy thing, and should only be undertaken when absolutely necessary. In fact, he observes that humans are more likely to suffer small abuses than change a broken system. But at what point do the abuses become too big to suffer? Apparently, it is after a "long train of abuses and usurpations" shows a pattern of "Despotism" and "Tyranny." Have we seen anything like despotism or tyranny from the Bush administration? Have they done anything in the last 6 years to violate the pursuit of life, liberty, or happiness? Where to start? Let's use Mr. Jefferson's words, from the Declaration itself: ("He" of course being King George. Which one, the Third or the Bush, is up to you to decide.)

"He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good."

- there's a long list here, including stem cell research, funding for the environment and public schools, sex education, the Kyoto treaty, the START treaties, and so on. But this accusation can be leveled at any president and his administration. It just seems like this guy has some real no-brainers on his list.

"He has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the Legislature, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only."

-Now, here, Jefferson was talking about the American colonies and their lack of representation in the British Parliament, which was a cornerstone of the American Revolution. While the President has not tried to make anyone give up representation in Congress, the phrasing here could apply to two current events that would have benefited a large number of people and only inconvenienced few: the funding for the Iraq war and Social Security "reform." Now, as far as funding for Iraq goes, we all know how Congress was ready to pass a bill calling for all US troops to be out of Iraq on a set schedule, and Bush said he would veto such a bill. He then went on to veto a spending bill with a time limit, effectively leaving our soldiers in a war zone with no money to buy bullets. Since no Congressman (and, I would hope, no person) in their right mind would allow such a thing, Georgie got his appropriations bill passed, and the war drags on. Second is the Social Security debate, which went something like this: Bush and his administration decided that Social Security needs to be reformed to make it last more than 40 more years. But he never laid out a plan to do it that didn't involve his buddies on Wall Street getting fatter and richer off of our retirement money (which they already are). His plan was to basically go to Vegas and bet all of Social Security on red. Great idea George. And what happened when Congress said "We believe you. We'll work with you. Just give us a plan that makes sense"? The response was "We have a plan, but you have to agree to it before we tell you." So, long story short, the Bush administration has refused to pass laws affecting a large number of people, unless those people agree to unreasonable demands.

"He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their Public Records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures."

-now, this one is a slight detour as well, but in the same vein. You see, our legislative branch hasn't been holding meetings in strange places; but the justice department has. And whenever anyone has asked about it, the answer has been "USA Patriot Act." "9-11." and "Terrorism."

"He has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the rights of the people."

- While Georgie hasn't dissolved any houses lately, he has allowed some redistricting to go on that is questionable at best. His Attorney General should have investigated and prosecuted someone over the redistricting in Texas that created 5 more Republican Congressmen and eliminated 2 Democrats.
On a side note, I'm not really sure what Jefferson meant by "manly firmness," but I think it's safe to say that's not meant to be as gay as it sounds. Moving on:

"He has endeavoured to prevent the population of these States; for that purpose obstructing the Laws for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands."

- I think that one's pretty cut and dry: he wants to build a fence along the Mexican border, after all.

"He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by refusing his Assent to Laws for establishing Judiciary Powers."

- Finally, we see what Scooter Libby has to do with this whole thing. Now, while Georgie has no say on the laws for "establishing Judiciary Powers," he has done lots and lots of obstructing "the Administration of Justice." Commuting Scooter Libby's jail sentence is just the latest and greatest hit from that group, which includes Mr. Cheney Doesn't Have to Tell You a Damn Thing, We Don't Have to Have a Reason For Firing Federal Attorneys, Who Cares If She's a Mindless Sycophant, She's Perfect for Chief Justice, and that all-time classic, Yes, Iraq Really Does Have WMD, and Saddam Planned 9-11. The fact of the matter is that this administration has never really had a need for truth and justice, so long as they had 9-11 and a mandate from a higher power, they were good to go.

"He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people and eat out their substance."

-Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, the White House Office of Faith Based and Community Initiatives. Separation of church and state my butt.

"He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power."

-I'm not even gonna touch this one. If you've been paying attention at all, you know.

"For protecting them (soldiers), by a mock Trial from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:"

- Now, while we haven't seen too many murders on "Inhabitants of these States" by our own soldiers (though a few PTSD cases have trickled into the news); we have seen gross violations of international law by American soldiers in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Guantanamo Bay. And have we seen one trial that wasn't a farce? Has even one officer gone in front of a court martial for any of it?

"For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury:
For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences:"

- Again, not us, but alleged "terrorists." If we expect the rest of the world to play by our rules, then WE need to play by our rules too.

"He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us."

-While he's not waging war on us, I have to wonder how many victims on Hurricane Katrina fell like the government is protecting us...

"In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: Our repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A Prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

The First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances." The American people have been using that right to free speech to petition the government for a redress of grievances for at least 4 years now. Bush's approval rating peaked at 90% in October of 2001. This is the highest number since Gallup started the poll in 1938, and probably the highest number since the other George W.; General Washington himself. Today, Bush's approval rating is 27%. Since his reelection in 2004, his approval has gone from 51% to 27%. If that doesn't meant that most of the country (65% at the time of this writing) is looking for a "redress of grievances," then I don't know what does. How has the President responded to these low polls? By ignoring it. Acting like he still has a "mandate" from the people to do whatever he thinks is necessary. Well, guess what, George: you don't. You work for us. For a guy who is 3% points from Nixon, you sure don't seem to care.

Well, after all this rambling and ranting, I'll close it up. We live in a world that is so much smaller and faster than it was 10 years ago. We cannot even begin to imagine what life was like in 1776. Yet, 231 years later, we still celebrate an act of courage that we cannot even fathom. And even though our government and way of life is beginning to take on the same bad habits that have felled every human empire to come before; we can still do something about it. Our system allows for an orderly and bloodless change of government; the type of revolution that makes documents like the Declaration of Independence a wonderful piece of history and not a necessary political tool.

"But a Constitution of Government once changed from Freedom, can never be restored. Liberty, once lost, is lost forever."

John Adams (1735 - 1826)

2007-07-03T07:06:00.000-05:00

Ok, so here's the scoop: I'm going on tour with Interpol (the band, not the police). Tour starts the 17th of July and ends the 5th of August. We'll be hitting Detroit, Chicago, Kantucky, and Bal-mer, so check the schedule! If things go well, this could be a regular gig, so who knows?

And just in case you think I haven't been paying attention: there's a rant brewing about Scooter Libby and his get out of jail free card... I just don't have time to put all that vitriol down now, but it's comin'....

"Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who will get the blame."

Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)

Uh, 'parently not, Larry.

2007-06-27T07:31:00.000-05:00

So I was thinking yesterday about someone I haven't thought about for many years: Dick Trickle. I don't really know why, mind you, I just was. So I was wondering, what happened to good ol' Dick? For those of you not in on it, Dick Trickle is a real guy. He was a NASCAR driver for about 15 years, and his real claim to fame is that SportsCenter used to report on his finish in every race, mostly so they could say "Dick Trickle" on air and the FCC could do nothing about it. Well, Dick, despite being "America's Winningest Driver" (over 1,200 estimated career wins), just disappeared about 5 years ago. So where's Dick? Where's he been? Where's he going? Even Google doesn't have the answer. So disappointing.

In other news: I'm going on tour again. Don't ask me who with, because I don't know yet; but at some point in mid-July I'll be going, and coming back in August some time. It all depends on which group BML decides to send me with. Joy! More info to come...

Until then, goodnight, Dick Trickle, wherever you are!

"I play with my tractors and live somewhat of a family life and just try to enjoy trying to retire sooner or later. "
Dick Trickle

2007-06-22T06:11:00.000-05:00

Hey gang. So much going on in the last two weeks, oh my. Mary J Bilge, then Melt Banana (Japanese hardcore. Think Yoko Ono sings Iron Maiden, and you get the drift.), a run in with Opie and Anthony and their band of misfit comics (I've never heard the C-word so many times in my LIFE!), and now I'm off to Asbury Park for the 2007 School of Rock Festival. No, it has nothing to do with Jack Black, but it's apparently a real school. It should be fun, lots of bands and stuff going on... Ween is the headliner the first night, with the Benevento Russo Duo and Jeff Baxter as the openers. Sunday night is headlined by Bad Brains, with Jello Biafra (of the Dead Kennedys) and Vernon Reid (of Living Colour) opening. All in all, a full weekend.

So I just wanted to post this link: Research Finds Firstborns Gain the Higher IQ and say boo-yah! If the NY Times prints it, it must be true!

"It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value."

Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

2007-06-05T06:39:00.000-05:00

Just saw this: Paris survives first night in jail. How disappointing. My trust in the quality of LA counties jails has seriously dropped. Ah well... 20 more days to go, anything can happen. Keep it tuned to the 24 Paris watch on CNN!

"Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it."
Russell Baker (1925 - )

2007-05-29T15:19:00.000-05:00

Greetings and Salutations! Here I am, another fantabluar day at the Blender (TM) Theatre at Gramercy! Ain't corporations grand!

So today's show is Brand New. Apparently, they're not. But hey, it's work. The crew is all excited because it's the last day of the tour (or at least, as excited as one can get for the last day of the tour when one has to go to Australia for 2 weeks after.) Ah well, such is life on the road. Me, on the other hand, I get to stay home. Yeah. I can always look forward to Mary J Bilge next week (yeah, that gig's not even happening on the 2nd anymore... whether I like it or not).

So it looks like this gig will be up soon anyway. And then what do I do for the summer? Who knows? I dunno.

I played golf yesterday with my dad. Shot 99. Wow. The real story is that I now need to buy a new driver. We test drove the new Taylor Made Burner... oh my oh my oh my. It was so nice to hit. And the ball went so far and straight and I didn't even have to try... it was, to over use an over used phrase, "bad ass." I need one. I think maybe I won't eat for a month or so and then I can afford it.

I wanted to end this with some great sentence or phrase that would make you think for a while, but I got nothin'. I guess that's why I do what I do and am not a motivational speaker or whatever. So here's your quote:

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."

Bertolt Brecht (1898 - 1956)

2007-05-13T09:11:00.000-05:00

So I saw this article on Google News today: Voters welcome ban on illegal immigrant leases. Basically, what this is saying is that in Farmers Branch, Tx, 7 out of 10 of the residents think it should be illegal for a landlord to rent a house or apartment to an illegal immigrant. While I can understand this, and realize that it creates a strain on public services, and I even sympathize; putting all this into a law seems wrong to me. I don't really know why, except, to paraphrase that Blue Collar Comedy guy, "Heres' your sign:"

Thought we were over that kind of thing.

"A man's homeland is wherever he prospers.": Aristophanes (450 BC - 388 BC)

2007-05-12T11:18:00.000-05:00

Well, here it is, as promised: photos of the pirate wedding. Enjoy!

Arr... that's me booty!

Short John Silver himself! And no, Jordan did not lose his leg.

Capt. Morgan showed up. Boy did he.

Cake by Chris, the bride's mother. Awesome.

The Groom and his fambily.

The whole weddin' party.

Will the real Groucho please stand up?

Capt. Jack Sparrow and his trusty first mate, Groucho.

And, finally, the captain's trusty vessel!

"Jack Sparrow: [With his back to Elizabeth, thinking that she is a man] Come to join my crew, son?
Elizabeth Swann: I'm here to find my true love.
Jack Sparrow: [Startled] Deeply flattered, boy, but my first and only love is the sea.
Elizabeth Swann: Meaning Will Turner, Jack.
Jack Sparrow: [Turning around] Elizabeth!
[to a crew member]
Jack Sparrow: Hide the rum."

-Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man's Chest

2007-05-10T08:13:00.000-05:00

Friends, I've come here today to tell you about a wonderful new product. What is it, you're asking yourself? Well, it's just the most inspirational, flabbergasting, sensational, absolutely un-live-without-able (hey, if it works for the President...) product you've never seen before! Introducing Joost! Joost is on demand, over the Internet TV. That's right. The way it works is this: you download the Joost client on your computer, then choose the show you want to watch, and the show downloads to your machine. The best part: it's 100% FREE. Now, here's the thing: right now, Joost is in Beta, which means that the software is not 100%. But you can download it and test it and let the developers know what's wrong with it. And they'll fix it. And when it comes out in version 1.0, well, you'll be on the top of the list to get it! Yeah! One other thing: the way Joost works, the more people who sign up, the better content they can get. Why? Because Joost puts a small amount of content on your machine, which can then be accessed by other Joost members. So the more members they have, the more content they can offer. And with their new partnership with Viacom, they'll be able to offer more of your favorite shows, like content from Nickelodeon and Comedy Central. Sound good? Sign up today! Interested? Email me, and I'll send you a link to get in on the Beta.

"Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.": Sinclair Lewis (1885 - 1951)

2007-05-07T08:25:00.000-05:00

Hi gang. Sorry to be away for so long, but things have been busy. Let's see, a quick recap of what's happened since Easter:

Six nights with Henry Rollins, Janeane Garafalo, and Mark Maron at the Gramercy. Henry did his "spoken word" which is basically an hour of him ranting on stage. It was most entertaining, and rather educational. I highly recommend it. Mark Maron was also quite funny, and I recommend seeing his show as well.

Then came two weeks of Guster. Awesome. First was two nights at the Beacon theatre in NYC. The crowds were huge, the shows were awesome, and they even got Two Points for Honesty dead on. Sweet. Next week, at the Opera house in Boston, was even better. I must say this: you've never seen a Guster show until you've seen a Guster show in Boston. Unbelievable. Although I was a little scared when the whole crowd began chanting "Let's Go Red Sawks!" in the middle of Empire State. (The Sawks were playing the Yankees that weekend, and more than once did the Yankee haters let fly.) But the haters didn't get this playa down, oh no. We went to karaoke night after the first show, it was quite interesting. The crew sang Careful, together, at the same time, mostly. Someone pointed out afterwards that it was funny the way we all had to read the words off the TV, like we hadn't heard the song 4,000 times before. Then there was the Boston Anime convention going on at the mall across the street from our hotel. Some people have WAY too much time on their hands. The costumes we saw were not only intricate and fanciful, but could only be described like this: supergeek. Overall, however, it was a great time and can't wait to do it again. For more, and for the "Bob Saget" story, look here.

After that, I spent most of my time prepping for the Robin Hood foundation's annual fundraiser/circus at the Jacob K. Javits Convention Center. Now, faithful readers (both of you) know how much I enjoy the JKJCC, with it's IBEW hands and Teamsters who move at the speed of slow. That's why you schedule a 4 day load in for a 3 hour dinner/show. Our main objective was to light the stage for Aerosmith's headline performance. Simple, right? Well, it actually was. The stage went up, the lights went on, and all of them ACTUALLY WORKED! What a concept. Then came the wrinkle. See, we had to put up exit signs all around the building because we put of drapery in front of the exits. Well, this sounds easy, but in fact, is something akin to rocket surgery, because it took 2 DAYS to hang 16 signs. OMFG! Well, that's enough of that. I'm just getting myself all worked up over nothing.

So now I'm in Daytona, for Amanda's brother's wedding. The wedding was Saturday night, and it was a blast. It was a pirate themed wedding, and most of us dressed up in costumes. I'll get some pictures to you as soon as I can get them off my camera. (which may not be til I get back home on Friday. Sorry) I'm going to go back to relaxing, and I'll get back with some photos soon... honest.

One last thing: I found this blog today, it's quite funny. It's called Steve Don't Eat It. And it's exactly what it sounds like. Don't read it while eating. Or soon after eating. Or before eating. Or while thinking about considering eating. Otherwise, enjoy!

"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"

Steven Wright (1955 - )

2007-04-08T10:07:00.000-05:00

Happy Easter! And now, for your viewing pleasure:

Enjoy!

2007-04-02T06:33:00.000-05:00

This is the greatest idea ever. We should hire professionals to watch every supermarket check out, every television studio, and every hair salon in the country. Even mentioning certain people gets you 10,000 volts! Brilliant!

2007-04-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

Well. Today we have reached a totally new level of stupid. I don't know how many of you have heard about this Chocolate Jesus controversy, but it's beyond ludicrous. To summarize, the Roger Smith Lab Gallery in Manhattan was scheduled to display a sculpture of Jesus Christ on the cross this week for two hours every day. The sculpture was done by a man named Cosimo Cavallaro, an artist known mostly for working in food. Now, these tiny brained morons at the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights have decided that two things about this sculpture "offend" them: 1. the fact that Christ is depicted nude, and 2. the fact that it's "brown" chocolate and not white. I have the perfect solution to this problem, really. We take everyone who's offended by this display, send them to a remote part of Pennsylvania, and remove them from the breeding pool with extreme prejudice. Seriously. If you're too stupid to realize that a. Christ was probably brown skinned, and b. odds are he was hung on that cross naked, cuz that's the way Romans did things; then get out of the pool; your ideas and beliefs are no longer needed in society, thank you for playing, and enjoy your time in hell.

I think my favorite part of this whole thing is that these people claim to be fighting for "Civil Rights" (it's in the name!). Well, what about freedom of speech? I think that's the first one, isn't it? Where is Mr. Cavallaro's freedom of speech? Where's his freedom to express himself? From the Catholic League's own website "When the religious freedom rights of any American are threatened, the Catholic League stands ready to fight for justice in the courts." Well, boys, put your money where your mouth is. Maybe, just maybe, if you narrow minded jerks took a minute to LOOK at the piece of artwork before judging it, you might actually like it. But, no, you're the same idiots who think that Michelangelo's David or Botticelli's Birth of Venus is obscene. You thing that the human form is gross and disgusting, yet your own holy scripture says that we were created in the form of God. I think Mayor Bloomberg (who I'm not usually quick to agree with) hit the nail right on the head this time. He said "If you want to give the guy some publicity, talk more about it, make a big fuss. If you want to really hurt him, don't pay attention." Well, it's time to make a fuss. You can contact the Roger Smith Gallery here. Let them know how stupid this whole thing is, and that this display should be shown, because if you let one group constantly dictate what kind of art we show in this country, then we're really no better than Soviet Russia or Red China. Just because this is a religious group and not the state makes it no better.

Please don't take this rant to be anti-Catholic. While my views on religion and Catholicism may have bled into this a little, this is mostly anti-Stupid. These people have reached a new level of stupid, and they're using their religious beliefs as an excuse for it. If I was a practicing Catholic, I would be EXTREMELY offended by it, because people like these are the ones who give Catholics and Christians and religious people in general a bad name. They're called zealots, and will continue in their stupidity and ignorance until the more moderate of us do something about it. What can you do? Join these organizations. Make your voice heard. Moderation can only come from within. If your elected representatives know that these blowhards don't represent you, that they're just a small group of ignorant people with big mouths, then we can avoid situations like this one. Otherwise, we might as well all go live in Iran.

"Don't be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don't be bitter, lest you be spewed out."

Jewish Proverb

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

Jewish Proverb