And now for another installment of: Fun With the News!

Number one reason to stay out of Kansas: they shoot people who go to church.

The last passenger on the Titanic died today. I don't think she's a survivor anymore.

The American taxpayer gets yet another fist someplace uncomfortable.

But it won't matter anyway, because WWIII can't be more than a few months away.

Great to start the week off on a high note, right?

"You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place."

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Tonight, I had a most amazing meal. Our bus driver, Marty, got a tip on a restaurant in Phoenix called Richardson's. This place was AWESOME. It's a Mexican/ Southwestern type place, very dark and cozy. Every time the door opens, the room is flooded with light, like a bar out of a Humphrey Bogart noir film. The food was fantastic. We started with chips and salsa. Now, I know what you're thinking, that you get that at any Mexican restaurant. Well, not like this. The green chili was fresh and spicy, but not hot. The red chili was hot and tasty. The guacamole was fresh and creamy, and I don't generally like guacamole. We (4 of us) went through 2 rounds of salsa and chips.

Next up was the roasted garlic appetizer. If you like garlic, this will make your life. If you don't like garlic, this will make you like it. The garlic was huge, each clove easily the size of a chicken egg. The whole head was about the size of both of my fists together. It came with toasted french bread, roasted peppers, and three kinds of cheese. When I tell you that all of these things put together was like a symphony on my tongue, I'm not exaggerating. And it was a huge plate of this stuff. We barely finished it.

Then came the entrees. I had Ahi tuna with blueberry salsa. Amazing. The tuna and blueberry combo was fantastic. And the chili mashed potatoes that came with it? Excellent. Just enough kick to make it the second greatest mashed potatoes I've ever had. (The first? Well, I'll leave that to speculation.) Anyway, I barely had enough room to squeeze half of this into my belly before I had to give up. And I was very disappointed to do so.

So, if you're every in Phoenix, I highly recommend you find Richardson's and get the roasted garlic. It's worth the cab ride.

Some of you may be wondering what happened in Vegas this weekend. Well, what happens in Vegas... you know the rest. Suffice it to say that I left a few weeks per diem at the craps table, and leave it at that.

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good."

Alice May Brock

Ok, gang. Manny Ramirez is back in the news. I'm not going to talk about this for long, because I'm pretty sick of it. Baseball is now saying that the drug we thought he was taking to mask steroid use was not what he tested positive for. In fact, Manny had a prescription for said drug (called hCG, which is a natural hormone produced by pregnant women. Why Manny had that prescribed to him, we'll never know.) Allegedly, Manny had a testosterone level 4 times that of a normal man his age.

Now, I don't want to get into who did what to whom when; what I'm concerned with is the punishment. Manny gets suspended for 50 games. Shoeless Joe Jackson and Pete Rose were banned for life for gambling. And Manny gets 50 games for outright cheating. How is this fair? How is this right? And why is ESPN not calling for Bud Selig's head on a stick?

In other news, the tour is going swimmingly. We're in St. Louis today, and on to Kansas City tomorrow. We get three days off in scenic Salt Lake City. Maybe I'll go swim in the lake. And then I don't' know what I'll do for the next 71 hours. Maybe I'll see if I can get me 3 or 4 Mormon wives.

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."

Edith Sitwell

Philadelphia. The Spectrum. Man, does this place earn it's nickname. Think body parts that rhyme. I'm sure this place looked great back when the original Star Trek looked futuristic. Catering is fighting it out for worst on the tour with Pittsburgh. Right now, they're winning due to the bathroom that's overwhelming the smell of the food. Good thing I have food on the bus... Never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get to New Hampshire.

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry. But there's some juicy stuff to go at, so here you have it:

Swine flu. Gimme a freakin break. A Google News search of 'swine flu' gives over 400,000 responses. A search for 'genocide' yields only 10,000 results. Which one do you think kills more people very day? The NY Times has a fantastic interactive map that shows how many cases there are, and how many deaths there have been. So, here's the thing: according to that map, the W.H.O. is reporting 1,490 confirmed cases of the H1N1 flu virus known as swine flu. In the world. Population: 6.7 billion. Just to put that in perspective, that's .0000002% of the world population.

Ok, sorry, had to stop for some Chinese food. But I'm back now.

More numbers to throw at you: in the US, there are 403 confirmed cases of swine flu. Out of 304,000,000 people. That's .0000013% of the population. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of meeting someone infected with swine flu. Here's an even better comparison: so far, 2 people have died in the US from swine flu. 2. That's more than one, less than 3. Know how many people died last year from regular old comes-around-every-year-and-we-have-an-inoculation-for- it flu? 36,000. Wait. I'ma say that again. Thirty-six. Thousand. Thirty-six thousand. That's 18,000 times more deadly than swine flu. So can we lay this panic to rest and go on with our lives? Oh, and one more thing: YOU CAN NOT GET SWINE FLU FROM EATING PORK. YOU CAN'T. DUMBASSES. So, please, STFU and move on, ok?

In other news: Mia Farrow has announced that she's going on a hunger strike for 21 days to protest the human rights violations in Darfur. Look, Mia, we all want to do something to help Darfur, but that's just not going to do anything. I mean, if you want to motivate people, get somebody that we give a damn about to go on a hunger strike. Like A-Rod. Or Britney Spears.

Now for things that are awesome: Fringe. Seriously. This show kicks butt. If you ever even remotely enjoyed the X-Files, you need to watch it.

Also: hot tubs. They're hot. They have jets. What's not to like? Except for when you're at a hotel that's renovating it's health club and so the hot tub is closed. That kinda sucks.

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."

Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)