And now for another installment of: Fun With the News!

Number one reason to stay out of Kansas: they shoot people who go to church.

The last passenger on the Titanic died today. I don't think she's a survivor anymore.

The American taxpayer gets yet another fist someplace uncomfortable.

But it won't matter anyway, because WWIII can't be more than a few months away.

Great to start the week off on a high note, right?

"You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place."

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Tonight, I had a most amazing meal. Our bus driver, Marty, got a tip on a restaurant in Phoenix called Richardson's. This place was AWESOME. It's a Mexican/ Southwestern type place, very dark and cozy. Every time the door opens, the room is flooded with light, like a bar out of a Humphrey Bogart noir film. The food was fantastic. We started with chips and salsa. Now, I know what you're thinking, that you get that at any Mexican restaurant. Well, not like this. The green chili was fresh and spicy, but not hot. The red chili was hot and tasty. The guacamole was fresh and creamy, and I don't generally like guacamole. We (4 of us) went through 2 rounds of salsa and chips.

Next up was the roasted garlic appetizer. If you like garlic, this will make your life. If you don't like garlic, this will make you like it. The garlic was huge, each clove easily the size of a chicken egg. The whole head was about the size of both of my fists together. It came with toasted french bread, roasted peppers, and three kinds of cheese. When I tell you that all of these things put together was like a symphony on my tongue, I'm not exaggerating. And it was a huge plate of this stuff. We barely finished it.

Then came the entrees. I had Ahi tuna with blueberry salsa. Amazing. The tuna and blueberry combo was fantastic. And the chili mashed potatoes that came with it? Excellent. Just enough kick to make it the second greatest mashed potatoes I've ever had. (The first? Well, I'll leave that to speculation.) Anyway, I barely had enough room to squeeze half of this into my belly before I had to give up. And I was very disappointed to do so.

So, if you're every in Phoenix, I highly recommend you find Richardson's and get the roasted garlic. It's worth the cab ride.

Some of you may be wondering what happened in Vegas this weekend. Well, what happens in Vegas... you know the rest. Suffice it to say that I left a few weeks per diem at the craps table, and leave it at that.

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good."

Alice May Brock

Ok, gang. Manny Ramirez is back in the news. I'm not going to talk about this for long, because I'm pretty sick of it. Baseball is now saying that the drug we thought he was taking to mask steroid use was not what he tested positive for. In fact, Manny had a prescription for said drug (called hCG, which is a natural hormone produced by pregnant women. Why Manny had that prescribed to him, we'll never know.) Allegedly, Manny had a testosterone level 4 times that of a normal man his age.

Now, I don't want to get into who did what to whom when; what I'm concerned with is the punishment. Manny gets suspended for 50 games. Shoeless Joe Jackson and Pete Rose were banned for life for gambling. And Manny gets 50 games for outright cheating. How is this fair? How is this right? And why is ESPN not calling for Bud Selig's head on a stick?

In other news, the tour is going swimmingly. We're in St. Louis today, and on to Kansas City tomorrow. We get three days off in scenic Salt Lake City. Maybe I'll go swim in the lake. And then I don't' know what I'll do for the next 71 hours. Maybe I'll see if I can get me 3 or 4 Mormon wives.

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."

Edith Sitwell

Philadelphia. The Spectrum. Man, does this place earn it's nickname. Think body parts that rhyme. I'm sure this place looked great back when the original Star Trek looked futuristic. Catering is fighting it out for worst on the tour with Pittsburgh. Right now, they're winning due to the bathroom that's overwhelming the smell of the food. Good thing I have food on the bus... Never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get to New Hampshire.

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry. But there's some juicy stuff to go at, so here you have it:

Swine flu. Gimme a freakin break. A Google News search of 'swine flu' gives over 400,000 responses. A search for 'genocide' yields only 10,000 results. Which one do you think kills more people very day? The NY Times has a fantastic interactive map that shows how many cases there are, and how many deaths there have been. So, here's the thing: according to that map, the W.H.O. is reporting 1,490 confirmed cases of the H1N1 flu virus known as swine flu. In the world. Population: 6.7 billion. Just to put that in perspective, that's .0000002% of the world population.

Ok, sorry, had to stop for some Chinese food. But I'm back now.

More numbers to throw at you: in the US, there are 403 confirmed cases of swine flu. Out of 304,000,000 people. That's .0000013% of the population. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of meeting someone infected with swine flu. Here's an even better comparison: so far, 2 people have died in the US from swine flu. 2. That's more than one, less than 3. Know how many people died last year from regular old comes-around-every-year-and-we-have-an-inoculation-for- it flu? 36,000. Wait. I'ma say that again. Thirty-six. Thousand. Thirty-six thousand. That's 18,000 times more deadly than swine flu. So can we lay this panic to rest and go on with our lives? Oh, and one more thing: YOU CAN NOT GET SWINE FLU FROM EATING PORK. YOU CAN'T. DUMBASSES. So, please, STFU and move on, ok?

In other news: Mia Farrow has announced that she's going on a hunger strike for 21 days to protest the human rights violations in Darfur. Look, Mia, we all want to do something to help Darfur, but that's just not going to do anything. I mean, if you want to motivate people, get somebody that we give a damn about to go on a hunger strike. Like A-Rod. Or Britney Spears.

Now for things that are awesome: Fringe. Seriously. This show kicks butt. If you ever even remotely enjoyed the X-Files, you need to watch it.

Also: hot tubs. They're hot. They have jets. What's not to like? Except for when you're at a hotel that's renovating it's health club and so the hot tub is closed. That kinda sucks.

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."

Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)

Today in stupid protests: Facebook users wage condom campaign against Pope. That's right. A bunch of rocket surgeons on Facebook have decided to start sending condoms to the Pope, in protest of his statement that condoms do not prevent HIV. That is just brilliant. Hey, dumbasses, I've got a better idea: if you feel so strongly about it, why don't you send the condoms to AFRICA where they might actually use the damn thing. Popatine is just going to throw them in the trash, and what good does that do anyone? Hmm? You're not going to change his mind, I promise you. You're fighting centuries of dogma and repression. These people used to flagellate themselves for impure thoughts (some still do). Do you really think that sending a few thousand condoms their way is going to change their minds?

So here you go, jerks. If you're so interested in preventing AIDS in Africa, go here. Mercy Corps will take all those condoms you want to waste on a pointless protest, and put them to good use. 60,000 is alot of rubbers, and I'm sure they'll take 'em. And stop being so stupid.


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

David Letterman got married this week. Insert Viagra joke here.

"I like life. It's something to do."

Ronnie Shakes

UPDATE! Breaking News! NASA has halted the urine processor test on the International Space Station. Flight Engineer Koichi Wakata has reportedly been holding it for 18 hours now, but does not know how much longer he can. When asked for comment, station commander Mike Finkle said "Well, we don't really know what went wrong, but we're hoping that (shuttle Discovery pilot) Tony Antonelli can find us a gas station or 7-11. I mean, Koichi's been a real trooper, but he's starting to look a little yellow. I guess he shouldn't have had so much water yesterday." NASA officials on the ground had no official comment on when the problem will be fixed, other than "Depends."

In other news, Bruce Willis wed his 30 year old girlfriend last weekend. After the ceremony, Ashton Kutcher jumped out of the wedding cake and yelled "PUNK'D" in the bride's face, before running off. Nobody laughed.

On to business: economists are still puzzled by the sudden spike in Pfizer stock. Analysts say that the company, known for making the anti-depressants Zoloft and Xanax, theorize that it may be a reaction to the economic downturn.

"Many people despise wealth, but few know how to give it away."

Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)

I saw this little blurb on the news today: Astronauts get Sunday morning off after busy week. Reportedly, ISS Commander E. Michael Fincke is planning on playing 9 holes of golf with shuttle commander Lee Archambault. Flight Engineer Lonchakov is planning on visiting his family in Russia, and Engineers Chamitoff and Magnus plan on "sleeping in, maybe getting some brunch at that little place on Walnut." Flight Engineer Koichi, on the other hand, will not be getting the day off, as he drew the short straw on testing the new urine processor. Koichi was last seen drinking a whole lot of water.

In other news, Han Solo is no longer solo. Apparently, he found a diamond ring small enough to fit around a cocktail straw, and gave it to longtime girlfriend Calista Flockheart.

In an unrelated story, Pfizer stock went up 53 points today.

"Never fight an inanimate object."

P. J. O'Rourke (1947 - )

In today's installment of life imitates art:


That photo was taken from my front porch at 7:35 this morning, March 20, 2009. The FIRST day of SPRING. WTF!?! Haven't we had enough snow this year? Was it not 69 degrees just 2 days ago? I was wearing SHORTS for crying out loud. Screw this nonsense. I'm going back into hibernation. Wake me when it's in the 70's.

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."

Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Stay away from green beer.

Hi all. You may notice a few changes around here. I've added a poll on the side there. You have until May to vote. After that, the judges will tally up the results, and explain just what the heck is going on.

I've also sold out to the man. Not The Man, just the man. I can't really talk about it, but if you take a close look, you'll notice what I mean.

Umm... yeah. That's about all I got for now. It's been pretty slow around here. My doctor said I should try not to get too excited. So I've been keeping it mellow. Yeah. 'sbout it.

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."

Jules de Gaultier

I came across this through Gizmodo today.
The Untold Story of the World's Biggest Diamond Heist
Holy crap! This story is incredible. It's told to the reporter by the mastermind of the heist, who is doing 10 years in a Belgian prison for the crime. Truly an example of truth being stranger than fiction, this guy weaves a hell of a yarn:

In February 2003, Notarbartolo was arrested for heading a ring of Italian thieves. They were accused of breaking into a vault two floors beneath the Antwerp Diamond Center and making off with at least $100 million worth of loose diamonds, gold, jewelry, and other spoils. The vault was thought to be impenetrable. It was protected by 10 layers of security, including infrared heat detectors, Doppler radar, a magnetic field, a seismic sensor, and a lock with 100 million possible combinations. The robbery was called the heist of the century, and even now the police can't explain exactly how it was done.

I highly recommend you read this if you have the time. Personally, I can't wait for the movie version!

"It is easier to stay out than get out."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

I saw this on Google news today: Balls appoints child safety adviser. Apparently, the British Parliament has a member named Ed Balls. We should get this guy together with Congressman Boehner and see what kind of cockamamie schemes they come up with.

I'm sorry. It's lonely here, and I have to entertain myself.


I enjoy this comic. There's only one problem with it: it's wrong. Bernie Madoff isn't different because he's guilty; he's different because he got caught.

"It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."

Dick Cavett (1936 - )

Today's show is a Bar Mtizvah, at historic Guastavino's, under the 59th St Bridge. You may recognize Guastavino's from The Celebrity Apprentice. Trump isn't here, but he might as well be.

There is something incredibly wrong with this show. I'm not sure if it's the fact that this 13 year old boy's birthday party cost more than my wedding, or if it's the 22 year old dancing girls wearing see though dresses. (I'm going with the latter.) Every time I agree to one of these things, I know I'm going to hate it, yet I agree anyway. I need to find another source of income, because these things really suck.


"Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish something."

Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

YouTube reported today that they hit 100 million viewers in the month of January. In a related story, the US reported 598,000 jobs were lost in the month of January, the most in one month since 1974.

Also in the news: Robin Williams undergoes emergency heart surgery. No, really? A guy who had a very public cocaine habit has HEART TROUBLE! Shocker.

Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday. This may be the worst thing to happen to the Giants so far this off-season. I can't say I feel bad for T.O. If anyone deserves to be out of a job (especially these days) it's him. I fear that he won't be out of a job for long, however. I only hope he signs with the Patriots.



Enough current events.

I had jury duty this week. Wow. The excitement! The glamour! Participating in our judicial process! Let me tell you something, dear reader: Law and Order is full of shit. Real jury duty is nothing like that. I was called for one jury panel, and sat there for 4 hours while the judge asked the same 20 questions over and over and over again. Then either he or one of the lawyers would ask for a juror to be removed, and the process would start all over again. I was so relieved when the plaintiff's council finally asked that I be removed, I almost ran out of the room. Then I spent the next 2 days sitting in the jury room, waiting to be called again. It wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't have a TV in the room, tuned to the View. And Rachel Ray. And Regis and Kelly. Apparently, the 8th amendment only applies to convicts, and not to jurors.

A few other observations from the week: historic downtown Paterson NJ is incredibly scenic. And by scenic I mean "it looks like a war zone." This part of the state obviously missed out on the economic renaissance of the 1990's. I'm thinking they missed the renaissance of the 50's. There is one up side: you can save your money in these tough economic times, and instead of that trip to Mexico or Puerto Rico, just go to Paterson!

I noticed something else: remember how, in high school, all the kids wanted to sit in the back of the bus? Eventually, the pecking order was established and the cool kids wound up there; at least until they could drive. Well, as we get older, we apparently switch priorities, and now jostle to be first on the bus so we can sit up front. This gets us off the bus first. My question is: why are we in such a hurry? You're just going to have to wait somewhere else.

"Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate."

Chuang-tzu

Today in the land of Shut the Hell Up: Oil companies! That's right, everyone's favorite polluters are whining about President Obama's new budget. According to the Wall St. Journal, Big Oil is crying about a tax increase that doesn't exist. Well, it kinda exists. It's more of a "this is something we gave you a break on 10 years ago so you could develop new sources of oil, and you've been sitting on this oil while the average American is paying through the nose and you're making money hand over fist, so we're not gonna give you a break anymore."

The WSJ reports that Obama's plan will cost oil co's at least $31.5 billion over 10 years. Now, that's every oil co. that does business in the US. Spread that out, it's $31.5 million per year. Ok, so here's the really hard part: Exxon-Mobil, the largest private oil company in the world, reported revenues of $477 billion LAST YEAR. Now, we all know that oil is expensive to come by, so how much of that was profit? $45.22 billion! Profit. After expenses. So, let's do some math: $45.22 billion - $31.5 million = $45.218 billion. Jeez. I don't think their CEO will be able to operate his private jet on that.

One of the best lines from the WSJ article is this one: "Democrats have been battling oil firms to get royalty payments from Gulf of Mexico leases signed in the late 1990s, years when the government apparently accidentally left price triggers out of contracts."
Yeah. The Clinton administration "accidentally" forgot to put limits on a tax break for business. Sound familiar? Just like they "accidentally" left out a time limit on legislation allowing low interest mortgages?

Look: the fact of the matter here is that the oil industry has been making tons of money the last few years, at the expense of the average American. All we're asking for is a piece (and a relatively small one at that) of the pie. Oh, and what do we want it for? Researching alternative fuels. You know, that thing the oil industry claims to be spending billions on. Yeah. That.

"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

New from Taylor Made! The Nunchukau driver!






Imagine how intimidated your opponent will be by that!

In other news:

woo hoo! Oscar time. Ok, that's all I got for that.

Last week was my favorite time of the year: fashion week! At least this year, I didn't have to work during the Super Bowl. Not that it mattered, since the Giants sucked it up in the playoffs. But, it was the usual vacuous crapola. Four days of prep and install for 10 minutes of outrageous clothes and anorexic models.

I can't think of too much else right now. Here, look at this:



"Beware so long as you live, of judging people by appearances."

La Fontaine

Live Nation and Ticketmaster merger. Merrill Lynch execs get multi-million dollar bonuses while losing over $15 billion. A-Rod's on steroids (big shocker there.) I'm just waiting for the Barry Bonds perjury trial. That should be a good time. The sky is falling. We're all screwed. Get out now, while you still can.


"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

Anne Bradstreet (1612 - 1672),