Hey, lookie! Pastis reads my blog!

On a more serious note, I need to talk to you people about a scourge on our nation. Yesterday, I went to Costco. Now, going to Costco on a weekend is a dangerous proposition to begin with. But yesterday, I saw things that nobody should be subject to. People, please, get this through your head: pulling your fat ass off the couch to walk around Costco DOES NOT count as exercise. OK? Especially when you stop at every free sample stand and then get 3 hot dogs, a pizza, and a cheese steak at the little cafe in front of the store. And the diet soda? Yeah, not really helping there. I'd like to send a little proposal to our new Congress and President: if you're so serious about reforming health care in this country, then you need to pass a new law. The law should say that if you weigh more than 250 lbs, you cannot be a member of Costco, Sam's Club, or BJ's. Unless you're over 7' tall. Then you have to be over 300 lbs. I think you'd cut the rate of heart disease in this country by about half.
And what's with you people who are totally oblivious to the fact htat there are other shopping carts in the store? This one jerk, had his cart parked perpendicular to the aisle, blocking the rest of it with his huge ass. There were, like, 15 people waiting for him to finish reading the FDA label on a 5 gallon jug of Cheez Whiz (here's a hint: you don't need it.) I bet this moron drives his car like that, and that's why you can't get into the damn parking lot.

Next time: Viagra commercials: are they effective, or just really, really creepy? And does the King approve of them using his song?

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

So bored. Hi gang. So I'm stuck here at this wedding, listening to this horrid cover band, and waiting for the Giants game to start. I've discovered that NFL.com lets you stream Sunday and Thursday night football games. Bonus. Uh oh, it's the 'my pussah' song. You know, the "Please Don't Stop the Music" one, that all you really want is for the music to stop. Oh boy, now it's cake cutting time! Can't this thing be over.

Earlier today, the maid of honor was trying to describe to me how she wanted the room to look for the ceremony, and she said "How would you want this room to look if it was your wedding?" to which I replied "No, I already made that decision this year. This one's up to you."

I've been doing alot of weddings and bar mitzvahs the last few weeks. And it sucks. But a paycheck is a paycheck.

Just a tip to all you youngsters out there planning a wedding: check out the music you plan on using for the ceremony before you make a final decision. Yesterday, I worked a wedding that used November Rain by Guns 'N Roses as their walk in music. Now, I know some of you recoil just because it's Guns 'N Roses, but it was played by a string quintet, so there was an attempt at class.









I don't know how many of you are familiar with this song, but it's got to be the most horrible song I've ever heard playing at a wedding. Just look at the first line of the song: When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. Doesn't that just say everlasting love to you? Just because the video is about a wedding, does not make the song a love song. In fact, if you WATCHED the damn video, you'd know it's a song about a wedding that FAILS. In fact, it fails before the end of the wedding reception. So people, please, I beg you, use your brain once in a while, ok?

And now: Crimes Against Spandex!

Exhibit A


Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I rest my case. I'm going to go vomit now.

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

Jack Handey (1949 - )