Hi gang. Here's some photos that I've taken in the past few days.


That's right: Ikea makes pizza. Yes, that Ikea. While it does come pre-assembled (surprisingly), it tastes like something from Ikea. And by that I mean it tastes like pressboard and cheap laminate. Should have just eaten the box instead. Stick to meatballs, guys.


This blurry little image here is a practical joke we played on the boss (Mike, the owner of the lighting company, not Dane. His bags don't even get here until 5.) That's his suitcase dangling from one of the lighting trusses. 45' in the air. That old gag.


Saved the best for last: none of us had ever seen this watermelon soda they had in catering today. A few of us tried it, and it wasn't bad. Kind of bland yet sweet, just like watermelon. At 50 grams of sugar (first 3 ingredients: carbonated water, sugar, corn syrup), we're all battling diabetic comas right now. For comparison, Coca-Cola has 39 grams of sugar per can. So, yeah, my pancreas is on overdrive for the rest of the day.

Here's the thing, tho: look at that picture. Have you ever seen a more racist soda can? I mean, we can't watch The Little Rascals, but we can put this soda in stores? Where's Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and Bill Cosby now? This can't be allowed to go on!

Oh, one more stray observation: we're at the Phillips Arena in Atlanta today (which may explain the soda, BTW). The Atlanta Thrashers (NHL) and Hawks (NBA) play here, and both have several banners up in the rafters. But the one that stands out?

That's right. Ted F'n Turner. The only team owner in all professional sports with a banner in his arena. Even George Steinbrenner doesn't have that. That's ego.

"Famous I don't know about. It's hard to be famous and alive. I just want to play music every day and hear someone say, 'Thanks, that was great, here's some money, same time tomorrow, okay?'"

Terry Pratchett, Soul Music, page 151

Ok, so we're watching the Michael Jackson coverage on MSNBC, and I'm getting madder and madder at the media. First, I have to say that of all the talking heads on cable news, I find Keith Olbermann the least repulsive. Which is like saying that this turd is less smelly than that turd.

First asshole of the day: Al Sharpton. That's right, here comes Reverend Al, to get his 5 minutes in. Rev. Al felt the need to hold a news conference. Why? I don't know. Mostly because he's the definition of attention whore. What did he say? I knew Michael. He spoke at James Brown's funeral. Blah blah blah. The part that really chaps my ass? When Al said that Michael Jackson was THE entertainer that bridged the racial divide. He was THE first black entertainer to be accepted by white audiences. Forget about Sammy Davis, Jr. or Sidney Poitier. When does Jesse Jackson get his 5 minutes?

Now, the media in general gets the second asshole of the day award, for their ridiculous attempts to get anyone who has ever spoken to Michael Jackson on the phone. I mean, Olbermann spoke to a woman who is alleged to be a "Jackson family friend" who hasn't spoken to Michael for YEARS, and hadn't even talked to the family in a year. Why? Why is this person relevant? When are they going to call Macaulay Culkin? Or Corey Feldman? They could use some exposure? What about Bubbles the chimp? Haven't heard from him lately. What about Oprah? Or Puffy? Or Chris Brown? Or Kanye? Oh, when, oh when will they get interviewed? What do they think? What are they feeling? I NEED TO KNOW NOW OH MY GOD!

The biggest asshole of the day, however, goes to the vultures who flocked to Michael's house when the 911 call came in on the emergency radio. What's wrong with you people? Why are you taking video of the ambulance carrying him away? Give the man some privacy, and some f'n dignity! I hope you all get run over by ambulances. There's a special level of hell reserved just for leeches like you, and it's right between pedophile priests and genocidal maniacs.

What is the world coming to when Fox News is quoting TMZ?

I wonder if he'll have a sequined coffin?

Oh no! Michael Jackson's star on the Walk of Fame is covered for the red carpet for Bruno! (irony?) People are visiting the wrong star and leaving flowers for a radio talk show host! Oh, the horror!

I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to go vomit.

Poor Farah Fawcett. She fought cancer for so long, and so valiantly, and now she gets one upped by Michael Jackson. After Ed McMahon (who still owes me a check, BTW), and then Farah, now MJ. Patrick Swayze and Steve Jobs better watch their backs. It's a bad week to be a celebrity.

"There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed."

Peter Sellers (1925 - 1980)

Minneapolis today. Woo hoo. Old Man Bill and I went over to Famous Dave's BBQ's outdoor blues festival after load in. It was pretty cool. We got there as Big Daddy Cade's tribute to B.B. King went on. They were really good, but we didn't stay long because the sound guy didn't seem to notice that the Hammond organ was WAY too loud, so every time an organ solo started, we got blasted with sound.On the way over to Famous Dave's, we walked past the biggest Target in the world (I don't know this for a fact, but it was three storeys and a city block long, so I'd say it's a good guess). We also saw a group protesting Scientology. They were wearing Guy Fawkes masks and chanting about brain washing... I don't understand why Scientology is any worse than, say, Christianity, or Judaism, or Islam, or Buddhism. But these guys were committed.

The other cool thing that we saw was this statue of Mary Tyler Moore, in the famous pose from the opening credits of her TV show. All I can say is: don't throw your hat up in the air, 'cause what might land is a Frigidaire.


Finally, I'd like to note that we've been playing alot of NBA arenas lately. We can tell because the showers are all 10' in the air. Taking a shower using one of these is kind of like getting spit on from the top of a building: there's almost no water pressure coming out. And good luck if the giant that used it before you moved the head, cuz now you have to go half way across the room to get wet. I now understand what it feels like to be a midget.



"I've just been handed a bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth!""
Ted Knight (1923 - 1986), as Ted Baxter, The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Last night we went to the Paxton Chop House in Omaha for dinner. Mike ( the owner of the company I'm working for) reserved us a private room, since we had 14 guys. Now, Amanda has asked me to review the restaurant, which seems kind of like asking Britney Spears to review a book, but I'll do my best. While I didn't have any steak, they did walk us through the different kinds of meat and ways of preparation that they have, which was interesting. The meals are served family style, with things like appetizers and veggies served on platters that the table shares. We started with a selection of appetizers, including shrimp cocktail, crab cakes, and lobster corn dogs. Yeah, you read that right. I don't usually do shellfish, but I had to try the corn dog. It was really good. Next, we had calamari. Now, normally, calamari comes in quarter sized rings, breaded, and fried. This was different: these were huge, and cut long ways. It was fresh and buttery, and very very good. I ordered the ahi tuna steak, and it was excellent: fresh and cooked just right, although it did have steak gristle on it from being on the same grill. That turned me off a little, though I did enjoy it anyway. The other guys all got huge steaks. Neil, on of our truck drivers, wound up with a steak that was allegedly medium rare, though it was still red on the outside. He ate it anyway, and said it was good... though I still think I heard it moo when he first cut into it. We left 5 hours later, satisfied, gorged, and more than a little drunk. It's been a bit of a slow day today, but everyone seems to have recovered, mostly.

"Health food makes me sick."

Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

I've been on a bus all day, driving from Edmonton to North Dakota, so excuse me if you've heard this already, but Brett Michaels apparently walked into a piece of scenery at the Tony Awards last night. Now, while this in and of itself is hilarious, and couldn't have happened to a nicer guy, I do have one question: what the hell was Brett Michaels doing at the Tony Awards? Isn't that an award show for Broadway? Isn't there a minimum talent requirement for such an event?

Apparently, there's a musical out there called "Rock of Ages" which involves hair metal in some way. Poison seems to have a song or two in the show, even. Just when you thought Broadway couldn't get any worse, we have this. I don't know if that crapfest won anything, but it's about the saddest thing I've heard of in a while. At least, since I heard about the remake of Clash of the Titans. Yeah, you read that right.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Bill Cosby (1937 - )

Awww yeaaaahhh. Party!

Personally, I prefer the imported water. Which room does that pump from?

Mashed Potato Martini!!!! Holy crap!

I know gay marriage is legal in Canada, but I didn't realize that they allowed this. I'm just wondering, though: does one milk a homo by hand or machine?

We wandered over to the Hockey Hall of Fame when we were in Toronto last month. They have a cool display of international hockey jerseys. This one happens to be from the French hockey team. You can tell, because the logo is a chicken.


Ok, couple things: Sarah Palin needs to go away. Really. She's now suggesting that the Obama government wants to bail out struggling states to control the people. Since when does the federal government need an excuse like budget bailouts to control people? They have GUNS, you hooplehead!

Also: conservative talking heads are babbling about a newspaper bailout. Apparently, Senator Ben Cardin, D-MD, has introduced a bill allowing newspapers to restructure as non profits. This allows them tax breaks and deductions that can potentially help save small, local papers. The catch: while papers can report on any subject, they cannot make endorsements (an objective media? The horror!) So the argument being made is that the Obama administration wants to bailout these struggling newspapers so that they can strangle the flow of information and force their perspective on the public. Here's the thing: the bill also allows for this little tidbit:

Advertising and subscription revenue would be tax exempt, and contributions to support news coverage or operations could be tax deductible.

So, just like in our current system, if you want to influence a newspaper, you can buy some ads. Or, in a new twist, make a big "contribution" towards "operations" and it's all tax deductible. We report, you decide!

For those of you who clicked on the first link and enjoyed what you saw, there is great news! The State, MTV's groundbreaking sketch comedy from the 90's, is now finally coming out on DVD! In stores July 14, or you can pre-order your copy today!

"Words calculated to catch everyone may catch no one."

Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

In a sad bit of news, David Carradine was found dead today. I'm sure you heard. What you may not have heard is that Uma Thurman is nowhere to be found.

Ok, that was a lame joke. I am saddened by Carradine's passing. Kill bill was an awesome movie, and Kung Fu was a great show. He did some really great work and it's sad that he went the way he did.

"Avoid, rather than check. Check, rather than hurt. Hurt, rather than maim. Maim, rather than kill. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced."

Philip Ahn as Master Kan, Kung Fu

Well, here we are in lovely Vancouver. I haven't walked around much, but I was woken up this morning at 8 am by the hammering of workers remodeling the hotel. Yeah. Three lovely nights in a hotel that's under construction. I'm going to go and wander the city now, and see how much Monopoly money I wind up with.

So, after 15 hours in the bus, we've finally reached the Canadian border. On our way from San Jose (what?) to Vancouver. We're at the border, but apparently it's the wrong one - something about having to be in the bus lane and we're not in the bus lane so we've been driving around in circles for a bit now. And we're apparently heading back into the USA and on to the proper crossing. I guess it could be worse. At least there's beer on the bus. Which sounds like a good idea.