Saw this headline on NJ.com this morning:

Brick man is charged with impersonating councilman during dispute with neighbors

Now, I don't know about you, but how out of touch do you have to be to think that a man made of bricks is a town councilman? And what kind of idiot then charges this scarecrow with a crime? Hello?

I have determined that the easiest way to extract information from me is to play salsa music non stop. After four hours of it, with one more to go, I would admit to killing JFK if it will make the show stop. I'm so bored by this show that I'm blogging. In the middle of it.

I'm not alone, though. Looking aroud, about 1/4 if the crowd is sleeping or nodding off. They're certainly not dancing, which is what I understand you're supposed to do. I just want to go to bed.

So. I just realized that it's been two months since I've written. Fun flies when you're having time.


This will be short, as I'm writing this on my phone, and it's a pain in the butt. I've been meaning to write, but there's just so much going on. Amanda and I have started looking to buy a house. It's very frustrating. What we want and what we can afford are in two different universes, and compromise doesn't seem like it will be easy. Between that and the barrage of festivals that always happen this time of year, there hasn't been much time.


I'm sitting in Madison Square Garden right now, waiting for this stupid radio show to start (MEGA 97.9!!!) and it occurs to me that I've spent so much time in arenas that I no longer notice the smell of stale beer and popcorn. It's got to be 50 degrees in here, and the ice isn't even down.

Hi gang. Here's some photos that I've taken in the past few days.


That's right: Ikea makes pizza. Yes, that Ikea. While it does come pre-assembled (surprisingly), it tastes like something from Ikea. And by that I mean it tastes like pressboard and cheap laminate. Should have just eaten the box instead. Stick to meatballs, guys.


This blurry little image here is a practical joke we played on the boss (Mike, the owner of the lighting company, not Dane. His bags don't even get here until 5.) That's his suitcase dangling from one of the lighting trusses. 45' in the air. That old gag.


Saved the best for last: none of us had ever seen this watermelon soda they had in catering today. A few of us tried it, and it wasn't bad. Kind of bland yet sweet, just like watermelon. At 50 grams of sugar (first 3 ingredients: carbonated water, sugar, corn syrup), we're all battling diabetic comas right now. For comparison, Coca-Cola has 39 grams of sugar per can. So, yeah, my pancreas is on overdrive for the rest of the day.

Here's the thing, tho: look at that picture. Have you ever seen a more racist soda can? I mean, we can't watch The Little Rascals, but we can put this soda in stores? Where's Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson and Bill Cosby now? This can't be allowed to go on!

Oh, one more stray observation: we're at the Phillips Arena in Atlanta today (which may explain the soda, BTW). The Atlanta Thrashers (NHL) and Hawks (NBA) play here, and both have several banners up in the rafters. But the one that stands out?

That's right. Ted F'n Turner. The only team owner in all professional sports with a banner in his arena. Even George Steinbrenner doesn't have that. That's ego.

"Famous I don't know about. It's hard to be famous and alive. I just want to play music every day and hear someone say, 'Thanks, that was great, here's some money, same time tomorrow, okay?'"

Terry Pratchett, Soul Music, page 151

Ok, so we're watching the Michael Jackson coverage on MSNBC, and I'm getting madder and madder at the media. First, I have to say that of all the talking heads on cable news, I find Keith Olbermann the least repulsive. Which is like saying that this turd is less smelly than that turd.

First asshole of the day: Al Sharpton. That's right, here comes Reverend Al, to get his 5 minutes in. Rev. Al felt the need to hold a news conference. Why? I don't know. Mostly because he's the definition of attention whore. What did he say? I knew Michael. He spoke at James Brown's funeral. Blah blah blah. The part that really chaps my ass? When Al said that Michael Jackson was THE entertainer that bridged the racial divide. He was THE first black entertainer to be accepted by white audiences. Forget about Sammy Davis, Jr. or Sidney Poitier. When does Jesse Jackson get his 5 minutes?

Now, the media in general gets the second asshole of the day award, for their ridiculous attempts to get anyone who has ever spoken to Michael Jackson on the phone. I mean, Olbermann spoke to a woman who is alleged to be a "Jackson family friend" who hasn't spoken to Michael for YEARS, and hadn't even talked to the family in a year. Why? Why is this person relevant? When are they going to call Macaulay Culkin? Or Corey Feldman? They could use some exposure? What about Bubbles the chimp? Haven't heard from him lately. What about Oprah? Or Puffy? Or Chris Brown? Or Kanye? Oh, when, oh when will they get interviewed? What do they think? What are they feeling? I NEED TO KNOW NOW OH MY GOD!

The biggest asshole of the day, however, goes to the vultures who flocked to Michael's house when the 911 call came in on the emergency radio. What's wrong with you people? Why are you taking video of the ambulance carrying him away? Give the man some privacy, and some f'n dignity! I hope you all get run over by ambulances. There's a special level of hell reserved just for leeches like you, and it's right between pedophile priests and genocidal maniacs.

What is the world coming to when Fox News is quoting TMZ?

I wonder if he'll have a sequined coffin?

Oh no! Michael Jackson's star on the Walk of Fame is covered for the red carpet for Bruno! (irony?) People are visiting the wrong star and leaving flowers for a radio talk show host! Oh, the horror!

I can't watch this anymore. I'm going to go vomit.

Poor Farah Fawcett. She fought cancer for so long, and so valiantly, and now she gets one upped by Michael Jackson. After Ed McMahon (who still owes me a check, BTW), and then Farah, now MJ. Patrick Swayze and Steve Jobs better watch their backs. It's a bad week to be a celebrity.

"There used to be a real me, but I had it surgically removed."

Peter Sellers (1925 - 1980)

Minneapolis today. Woo hoo. Old Man Bill and I went over to Famous Dave's BBQ's outdoor blues festival after load in. It was pretty cool. We got there as Big Daddy Cade's tribute to B.B. King went on. They were really good, but we didn't stay long because the sound guy didn't seem to notice that the Hammond organ was WAY too loud, so every time an organ solo started, we got blasted with sound.On the way over to Famous Dave's, we walked past the biggest Target in the world (I don't know this for a fact, but it was three storeys and a city block long, so I'd say it's a good guess). We also saw a group protesting Scientology. They were wearing Guy Fawkes masks and chanting about brain washing... I don't understand why Scientology is any worse than, say, Christianity, or Judaism, or Islam, or Buddhism. But these guys were committed.

The other cool thing that we saw was this statue of Mary Tyler Moore, in the famous pose from the opening credits of her TV show. All I can say is: don't throw your hat up in the air, 'cause what might land is a Frigidaire.


Finally, I'd like to note that we've been playing alot of NBA arenas lately. We can tell because the showers are all 10' in the air. Taking a shower using one of these is kind of like getting spit on from the top of a building: there's almost no water pressure coming out. And good luck if the giant that used it before you moved the head, cuz now you have to go half way across the room to get wet. I now understand what it feels like to be a midget.



"I've just been handed a bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth!""
Ted Knight (1923 - 1986), as Ted Baxter, The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Last night we went to the Paxton Chop House in Omaha for dinner. Mike ( the owner of the company I'm working for) reserved us a private room, since we had 14 guys. Now, Amanda has asked me to review the restaurant, which seems kind of like asking Britney Spears to review a book, but I'll do my best. While I didn't have any steak, they did walk us through the different kinds of meat and ways of preparation that they have, which was interesting. The meals are served family style, with things like appetizers and veggies served on platters that the table shares. We started with a selection of appetizers, including shrimp cocktail, crab cakes, and lobster corn dogs. Yeah, you read that right. I don't usually do shellfish, but I had to try the corn dog. It was really good. Next, we had calamari. Now, normally, calamari comes in quarter sized rings, breaded, and fried. This was different: these were huge, and cut long ways. It was fresh and buttery, and very very good. I ordered the ahi tuna steak, and it was excellent: fresh and cooked just right, although it did have steak gristle on it from being on the same grill. That turned me off a little, though I did enjoy it anyway. The other guys all got huge steaks. Neil, on of our truck drivers, wound up with a steak that was allegedly medium rare, though it was still red on the outside. He ate it anyway, and said it was good... though I still think I heard it moo when he first cut into it. We left 5 hours later, satisfied, gorged, and more than a little drunk. It's been a bit of a slow day today, but everyone seems to have recovered, mostly.

"Health food makes me sick."

Calvin Trillin (1935 - )

I've been on a bus all day, driving from Edmonton to North Dakota, so excuse me if you've heard this already, but Brett Michaels apparently walked into a piece of scenery at the Tony Awards last night. Now, while this in and of itself is hilarious, and couldn't have happened to a nicer guy, I do have one question: what the hell was Brett Michaels doing at the Tony Awards? Isn't that an award show for Broadway? Isn't there a minimum talent requirement for such an event?

Apparently, there's a musical out there called "Rock of Ages" which involves hair metal in some way. Poison seems to have a song or two in the show, even. Just when you thought Broadway couldn't get any worse, we have this. I don't know if that crapfest won anything, but it's about the saddest thing I've heard of in a while. At least, since I heard about the remake of Clash of the Titans. Yeah, you read that right.

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody."

Bill Cosby (1937 - )

Awww yeaaaahhh. Party!

Personally, I prefer the imported water. Which room does that pump from?

Mashed Potato Martini!!!! Holy crap!

I know gay marriage is legal in Canada, but I didn't realize that they allowed this. I'm just wondering, though: does one milk a homo by hand or machine?

We wandered over to the Hockey Hall of Fame when we were in Toronto last month. They have a cool display of international hockey jerseys. This one happens to be from the French hockey team. You can tell, because the logo is a chicken.


Ok, couple things: Sarah Palin needs to go away. Really. She's now suggesting that the Obama government wants to bail out struggling states to control the people. Since when does the federal government need an excuse like budget bailouts to control people? They have GUNS, you hooplehead!

Also: conservative talking heads are babbling about a newspaper bailout. Apparently, Senator Ben Cardin, D-MD, has introduced a bill allowing newspapers to restructure as non profits. This allows them tax breaks and deductions that can potentially help save small, local papers. The catch: while papers can report on any subject, they cannot make endorsements (an objective media? The horror!) So the argument being made is that the Obama administration wants to bailout these struggling newspapers so that they can strangle the flow of information and force their perspective on the public. Here's the thing: the bill also allows for this little tidbit:

Advertising and subscription revenue would be tax exempt, and contributions to support news coverage or operations could be tax deductible.

So, just like in our current system, if you want to influence a newspaper, you can buy some ads. Or, in a new twist, make a big "contribution" towards "operations" and it's all tax deductible. We report, you decide!

For those of you who clicked on the first link and enjoyed what you saw, there is great news! The State, MTV's groundbreaking sketch comedy from the 90's, is now finally coming out on DVD! In stores July 14, or you can pre-order your copy today!

"Words calculated to catch everyone may catch no one."

Adlai E. Stevenson Jr.

In a sad bit of news, David Carradine was found dead today. I'm sure you heard. What you may not have heard is that Uma Thurman is nowhere to be found.

Ok, that was a lame joke. I am saddened by Carradine's passing. Kill bill was an awesome movie, and Kung Fu was a great show. He did some really great work and it's sad that he went the way he did.

"Avoid, rather than check. Check, rather than hurt. Hurt, rather than maim. Maim, rather than kill. For all life is precious, nor can any be replaced."

Philip Ahn as Master Kan, Kung Fu

Well, here we are in lovely Vancouver. I haven't walked around much, but I was woken up this morning at 8 am by the hammering of workers remodeling the hotel. Yeah. Three lovely nights in a hotel that's under construction. I'm going to go and wander the city now, and see how much Monopoly money I wind up with.

So, after 15 hours in the bus, we've finally reached the Canadian border. On our way from San Jose (what?) to Vancouver. We're at the border, but apparently it's the wrong one - something about having to be in the bus lane and we're not in the bus lane so we've been driving around in circles for a bit now. And we're apparently heading back into the USA and on to the proper crossing. I guess it could be worse. At least there's beer on the bus. Which sounds like a good idea.

And now for another installment of: Fun With the News!

Number one reason to stay out of Kansas: they shoot people who go to church.

The last passenger on the Titanic died today. I don't think she's a survivor anymore.

The American taxpayer gets yet another fist someplace uncomfortable.

But it won't matter anyway, because WWIII can't be more than a few months away.

Great to start the week off on a high note, right?

"You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place."

Trey Parker and Matt Stone

Tonight, I had a most amazing meal. Our bus driver, Marty, got a tip on a restaurant in Phoenix called Richardson's. This place was AWESOME. It's a Mexican/ Southwestern type place, very dark and cozy. Every time the door opens, the room is flooded with light, like a bar out of a Humphrey Bogart noir film. The food was fantastic. We started with chips and salsa. Now, I know what you're thinking, that you get that at any Mexican restaurant. Well, not like this. The green chili was fresh and spicy, but not hot. The red chili was hot and tasty. The guacamole was fresh and creamy, and I don't generally like guacamole. We (4 of us) went through 2 rounds of salsa and chips.

Next up was the roasted garlic appetizer. If you like garlic, this will make your life. If you don't like garlic, this will make you like it. The garlic was huge, each clove easily the size of a chicken egg. The whole head was about the size of both of my fists together. It came with toasted french bread, roasted peppers, and three kinds of cheese. When I tell you that all of these things put together was like a symphony on my tongue, I'm not exaggerating. And it was a huge plate of this stuff. We barely finished it.

Then came the entrees. I had Ahi tuna with blueberry salsa. Amazing. The tuna and blueberry combo was fantastic. And the chili mashed potatoes that came with it? Excellent. Just enough kick to make it the second greatest mashed potatoes I've ever had. (The first? Well, I'll leave that to speculation.) Anyway, I barely had enough room to squeeze half of this into my belly before I had to give up. And I was very disappointed to do so.

So, if you're every in Phoenix, I highly recommend you find Richardson's and get the roasted garlic. It's worth the cab ride.

Some of you may be wondering what happened in Vegas this weekend. Well, what happens in Vegas... you know the rest. Suffice it to say that I left a few weeks per diem at the craps table, and leave it at that.

"Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good."

Alice May Brock

Ok, gang. Manny Ramirez is back in the news. I'm not going to talk about this for long, because I'm pretty sick of it. Baseball is now saying that the drug we thought he was taking to mask steroid use was not what he tested positive for. In fact, Manny had a prescription for said drug (called hCG, which is a natural hormone produced by pregnant women. Why Manny had that prescribed to him, we'll never know.) Allegedly, Manny had a testosterone level 4 times that of a normal man his age.

Now, I don't want to get into who did what to whom when; what I'm concerned with is the punishment. Manny gets suspended for 50 games. Shoeless Joe Jackson and Pete Rose were banned for life for gambling. And Manny gets 50 games for outright cheating. How is this fair? How is this right? And why is ESPN not calling for Bud Selig's head on a stick?

In other news, the tour is going swimmingly. We're in St. Louis today, and on to Kansas City tomorrow. We get three days off in scenic Salt Lake City. Maybe I'll go swim in the lake. And then I don't' know what I'll do for the next 71 hours. Maybe I'll see if I can get me 3 or 4 Mormon wives.

"The public will believe anything, so long as it is not founded on truth."

Edith Sitwell

Philadelphia. The Spectrum. Man, does this place earn it's nickname. Think body parts that rhyme. I'm sure this place looked great back when the original Star Trek looked futuristic. Catering is fighting it out for worst on the tour with Pittsburgh. Right now, they're winning due to the bathroom that's overwhelming the smell of the food. Good thing I have food on the bus... Never thought I'd say this, but I can't wait to get to New Hampshire.

Ok, so I know I haven't posted in a while, and I'm sorry. But there's some juicy stuff to go at, so here you have it:

Swine flu. Gimme a freakin break. A Google News search of 'swine flu' gives over 400,000 responses. A search for 'genocide' yields only 10,000 results. Which one do you think kills more people very day? The NY Times has a fantastic interactive map that shows how many cases there are, and how many deaths there have been. So, here's the thing: according to that map, the W.H.O. is reporting 1,490 confirmed cases of the H1N1 flu virus known as swine flu. In the world. Population: 6.7 billion. Just to put that in perspective, that's .0000002% of the world population.

Ok, sorry, had to stop for some Chinese food. But I'm back now.

More numbers to throw at you: in the US, there are 403 confirmed cases of swine flu. Out of 304,000,000 people. That's .0000013% of the population. You have a better chance of winning the lottery than of meeting someone infected with swine flu. Here's an even better comparison: so far, 2 people have died in the US from swine flu. 2. That's more than one, less than 3. Know how many people died last year from regular old comes-around-every-year-and-we-have-an-inoculation-for- it flu? 36,000. Wait. I'ma say that again. Thirty-six. Thousand. Thirty-six thousand. That's 18,000 times more deadly than swine flu. So can we lay this panic to rest and go on with our lives? Oh, and one more thing: YOU CAN NOT GET SWINE FLU FROM EATING PORK. YOU CAN'T. DUMBASSES. So, please, STFU and move on, ok?

In other news: Mia Farrow has announced that she's going on a hunger strike for 21 days to protest the human rights violations in Darfur. Look, Mia, we all want to do something to help Darfur, but that's just not going to do anything. I mean, if you want to motivate people, get somebody that we give a damn about to go on a hunger strike. Like A-Rod. Or Britney Spears.

Now for things that are awesome: Fringe. Seriously. This show kicks butt. If you ever even remotely enjoyed the X-Files, you need to watch it.

Also: hot tubs. They're hot. They have jets. What's not to like? Except for when you're at a hotel that's renovating it's health club and so the hot tub is closed. That kinda sucks.

"Never believe anything until it has been officially denied."

Claud Cockburn (1904 - 1981)

Today in stupid protests: Facebook users wage condom campaign against Pope. That's right. A bunch of rocket surgeons on Facebook have decided to start sending condoms to the Pope, in protest of his statement that condoms do not prevent HIV. That is just brilliant. Hey, dumbasses, I've got a better idea: if you feel so strongly about it, why don't you send the condoms to AFRICA where they might actually use the damn thing. Popatine is just going to throw them in the trash, and what good does that do anyone? Hmm? You're not going to change his mind, I promise you. You're fighting centuries of dogma and repression. These people used to flagellate themselves for impure thoughts (some still do). Do you really think that sending a few thousand condoms their way is going to change their minds?

So here you go, jerks. If you're so interested in preventing AIDS in Africa, go here. Mercy Corps will take all those condoms you want to waste on a pointless protest, and put them to good use. 60,000 is alot of rubbers, and I'm sure they'll take 'em. And stop being so stupid.


"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."

Elbert Hubbard (1856 - 1915)

David Letterman got married this week. Insert Viagra joke here.

"I like life. It's something to do."

Ronnie Shakes

UPDATE! Breaking News! NASA has halted the urine processor test on the International Space Station. Flight Engineer Koichi Wakata has reportedly been holding it for 18 hours now, but does not know how much longer he can. When asked for comment, station commander Mike Finkle said "Well, we don't really know what went wrong, but we're hoping that (shuttle Discovery pilot) Tony Antonelli can find us a gas station or 7-11. I mean, Koichi's been a real trooper, but he's starting to look a little yellow. I guess he shouldn't have had so much water yesterday." NASA officials on the ground had no official comment on when the problem will be fixed, other than "Depends."

In other news, Bruce Willis wed his 30 year old girlfriend last weekend. After the ceremony, Ashton Kutcher jumped out of the wedding cake and yelled "PUNK'D" in the bride's face, before running off. Nobody laughed.

On to business: economists are still puzzled by the sudden spike in Pfizer stock. Analysts say that the company, known for making the anti-depressants Zoloft and Xanax, theorize that it may be a reaction to the economic downturn.

"Many people despise wealth, but few know how to give it away."

Francois de La Rochefoucauld (1613 - 1680)

I saw this little blurb on the news today: Astronauts get Sunday morning off after busy week. Reportedly, ISS Commander E. Michael Fincke is planning on playing 9 holes of golf with shuttle commander Lee Archambault. Flight Engineer Lonchakov is planning on visiting his family in Russia, and Engineers Chamitoff and Magnus plan on "sleeping in, maybe getting some brunch at that little place on Walnut." Flight Engineer Koichi, on the other hand, will not be getting the day off, as he drew the short straw on testing the new urine processor. Koichi was last seen drinking a whole lot of water.

In other news, Han Solo is no longer solo. Apparently, he found a diamond ring small enough to fit around a cocktail straw, and gave it to longtime girlfriend Calista Flockheart.

In an unrelated story, Pfizer stock went up 53 points today.

"Never fight an inanimate object."

P. J. O'Rourke (1947 - )

In today's installment of life imitates art:


That photo was taken from my front porch at 7:35 this morning, March 20, 2009. The FIRST day of SPRING. WTF!?! Haven't we had enough snow this year? Was it not 69 degrees just 2 days ago? I was wearing SHORTS for crying out loud. Screw this nonsense. I'm going back into hibernation. Wake me when it's in the 70's.

"You can tell a lot about a fellow's character by his way of eating jellybeans."

Ronald Reagan (1911 - 2004)

Happy St. Patrick's Day! Stay away from green beer.

Hi all. You may notice a few changes around here. I've added a poll on the side there. You have until May to vote. After that, the judges will tally up the results, and explain just what the heck is going on.

I've also sold out to the man. Not The Man, just the man. I can't really talk about it, but if you take a close look, you'll notice what I mean.

Umm... yeah. That's about all I got for now. It's been pretty slow around here. My doctor said I should try not to get too excited. So I've been keeping it mellow. Yeah. 'sbout it.

"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."

Jules de Gaultier

I came across this through Gizmodo today.
The Untold Story of the World's Biggest Diamond Heist
Holy crap! This story is incredible. It's told to the reporter by the mastermind of the heist, who is doing 10 years in a Belgian prison for the crime. Truly an example of truth being stranger than fiction, this guy weaves a hell of a yarn:

In February 2003, Notarbartolo was arrested for heading a ring of Italian thieves. They were accused of breaking into a vault two floors beneath the Antwerp Diamond Center and making off with at least $100 million worth of loose diamonds, gold, jewelry, and other spoils. The vault was thought to be impenetrable. It was protected by 10 layers of security, including infrared heat detectors, Doppler radar, a magnetic field, a seismic sensor, and a lock with 100 million possible combinations. The robbery was called the heist of the century, and even now the police can't explain exactly how it was done.

I highly recommend you read this if you have the time. Personally, I can't wait for the movie version!

"It is easier to stay out than get out."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

I saw this on Google news today: Balls appoints child safety adviser. Apparently, the British Parliament has a member named Ed Balls. We should get this guy together with Congressman Boehner and see what kind of cockamamie schemes they come up with.

I'm sorry. It's lonely here, and I have to entertain myself.


I enjoy this comic. There's only one problem with it: it's wrong. Bernie Madoff isn't different because he's guilty; he's different because he got caught.

"It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear."

Dick Cavett (1936 - )

Today's show is a Bar Mtizvah, at historic Guastavino's, under the 59th St Bridge. You may recognize Guastavino's from The Celebrity Apprentice. Trump isn't here, but he might as well be.

There is something incredibly wrong with this show. I'm not sure if it's the fact that this 13 year old boy's birthday party cost more than my wedding, or if it's the 22 year old dancing girls wearing see though dresses. (I'm going with the latter.) Every time I agree to one of these things, I know I'm going to hate it, yet I agree anyway. I need to find another source of income, because these things really suck.


"Hell, there are no rules here-- we're trying to accomplish something."

Thomas A. Edison (1847 - 1931)

YouTube reported today that they hit 100 million viewers in the month of January. In a related story, the US reported 598,000 jobs were lost in the month of January, the most in one month since 1974.

Also in the news: Robin Williams undergoes emergency heart surgery. No, really? A guy who had a very public cocaine habit has HEART TROUBLE! Shocker.

Terrell Owens was released by the Dallas Cowboys on Wednesday. This may be the worst thing to happen to the Giants so far this off-season. I can't say I feel bad for T.O. If anyone deserves to be out of a job (especially these days) it's him. I fear that he won't be out of a job for long, however. I only hope he signs with the Patriots.



Enough current events.

I had jury duty this week. Wow. The excitement! The glamour! Participating in our judicial process! Let me tell you something, dear reader: Law and Order is full of shit. Real jury duty is nothing like that. I was called for one jury panel, and sat there for 4 hours while the judge asked the same 20 questions over and over and over again. Then either he or one of the lawyers would ask for a juror to be removed, and the process would start all over again. I was so relieved when the plaintiff's council finally asked that I be removed, I almost ran out of the room. Then I spent the next 2 days sitting in the jury room, waiting to be called again. It wouldn't have been so bad if they didn't have a TV in the room, tuned to the View. And Rachel Ray. And Regis and Kelly. Apparently, the 8th amendment only applies to convicts, and not to jurors.

A few other observations from the week: historic downtown Paterson NJ is incredibly scenic. And by scenic I mean "it looks like a war zone." This part of the state obviously missed out on the economic renaissance of the 1990's. I'm thinking they missed the renaissance of the 50's. There is one up side: you can save your money in these tough economic times, and instead of that trip to Mexico or Puerto Rico, just go to Paterson!

I noticed something else: remember how, in high school, all the kids wanted to sit in the back of the bus? Eventually, the pecking order was established and the cool kids wound up there; at least until they could drive. Well, as we get older, we apparently switch priorities, and now jostle to be first on the bus so we can sit up front. This gets us off the bus first. My question is: why are we in such a hurry? You're just going to have to wait somewhere else.

"Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate."

Chuang-tzu

Today in the land of Shut the Hell Up: Oil companies! That's right, everyone's favorite polluters are whining about President Obama's new budget. According to the Wall St. Journal, Big Oil is crying about a tax increase that doesn't exist. Well, it kinda exists. It's more of a "this is something we gave you a break on 10 years ago so you could develop new sources of oil, and you've been sitting on this oil while the average American is paying through the nose and you're making money hand over fist, so we're not gonna give you a break anymore."

The WSJ reports that Obama's plan will cost oil co's at least $31.5 billion over 10 years. Now, that's every oil co. that does business in the US. Spread that out, it's $31.5 million per year. Ok, so here's the really hard part: Exxon-Mobil, the largest private oil company in the world, reported revenues of $477 billion LAST YEAR. Now, we all know that oil is expensive to come by, so how much of that was profit? $45.22 billion! Profit. After expenses. So, let's do some math: $45.22 billion - $31.5 million = $45.218 billion. Jeez. I don't think their CEO will be able to operate his private jet on that.

One of the best lines from the WSJ article is this one: "Democrats have been battling oil firms to get royalty payments from Gulf of Mexico leases signed in the late 1990s, years when the government apparently accidentally left price triggers out of contracts."
Yeah. The Clinton administration "accidentally" forgot to put limits on a tax break for business. Sound familiar? Just like they "accidentally" left out a time limit on legislation allowing low interest mortgages?

Look: the fact of the matter here is that the oil industry has been making tons of money the last few years, at the expense of the average American. All we're asking for is a piece (and a relatively small one at that) of the pie. Oh, and what do we want it for? Researching alternative fuels. You know, that thing the oil industry claims to be spending billions on. Yeah. That.

"I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts."

Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

New from Taylor Made! The Nunchukau driver!






Imagine how intimidated your opponent will be by that!

In other news:

woo hoo! Oscar time. Ok, that's all I got for that.

Last week was my favorite time of the year: fashion week! At least this year, I didn't have to work during the Super Bowl. Not that it mattered, since the Giants sucked it up in the playoffs. But, it was the usual vacuous crapola. Four days of prep and install for 10 minutes of outrageous clothes and anorexic models.

I can't think of too much else right now. Here, look at this:



"Beware so long as you live, of judging people by appearances."

La Fontaine

Live Nation and Ticketmaster merger. Merrill Lynch execs get multi-million dollar bonuses while losing over $15 billion. A-Rod's on steroids (big shocker there.) I'm just waiting for the Barry Bonds perjury trial. That should be a good time. The sky is falling. We're all screwed. Get out now, while you still can.


"If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."

Anne Bradstreet (1612 - 1672),

I just saw this: Obama to Take First Foreign Trip as President to Canada.
I hate to break it to you, FOX News, but Canada doesn't count as a foreign trip. Sorry, try again.

In other news, I saw this on Gizmodo today:








Blendtec, eat your heart out. Make sure you check out the one where they shred the Dodge Daytona. Oh yeah.

And in case any of you still harbored thoughts that art was created on Broadway, I give you Thriller. I was almost excited at first. I saw a headline, Zombies On Broadway?, and I thought "Really? That would be AWESOME!" Then it occurred to me, that if it was on Broadway, then there would be lots of singing and dancing and other things that just don't belong in a zombie movie. Not that Thriller isn't cool, but it's nowhere near as cool as, say, Day of the Dead. But when I saw that they were going to take what was a cool 15 minute video and turn it into a Broadway musical, visions of The Times They Are A-Changin' danced in my head. I mean, is this really necessary? Can we get through life without a Michael Jackson musical? Please? Or can we at least have a Michael Jackson musical with a dancing, singing mouse that's his only real friend? Oh, wait, I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry.

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."

Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994),

Today on Most Stupidest Things Ever Said, we have a new quote from a long time contributor, one who never fails to put his foot in his mouth and his hypocrisy on the table, Mr. Rush Limbaugh. Many of you may have heard that Mr. Limbaugh has been back in the media spotlight lately, with the election of a Democratic government here in the USA, his ultra-conservative views are making headlines again. Mr. Limbaugh was recently heard on his radio program saying that he hopes Barack Obama fails as President. While such a comment is not out of character, it is pretty damn rude. But our Most Stupidest Thing Ever Said comes from his EIB week in review, where he tried to back peddle his way out of trouble. Let's watch!

Speaking honestly, I mean look, people are misunderstanding this, Snerdley got a couple calls from some of his buddies last night, "What did your boss mean, he wants the president to fail?" I remain dumbfounded at the high degree, the high level of ignorance that there is out there. If it took a Drive-By reporter, Jim VandeHei of The Politico to finally understand this and to try to get the Drive-Bys up to speed on all this. But I just want to say, folks, look I support Obama. I just don't support his policies. I support our president, like I have supported all presidents. I just don't support Obama's policies. I don't support the nationalization of the banks, which has happened. I don't support the nationalization of the auto companies. I don't support the nationalization of the mortgage business. I don't like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd running things. And I don't want that to continue. But I support our president. I'm like anybody else, I support the president. I just don't support the policies.

Hey, Rush, time to get your facts straight, buddy. The nationalization of the banks? Happened under Bush. The nationalization of auto companies? Bush again. Mortgage business? Oh, right, that Bush guy started that too.

I know that in your head, saying you support the President without supporting his policies is a way to point out the "absurdity" of the statement "I support the troops, but I don't support the war," but it really doesn't work that way. You see, as Americans, we have the choice and the freedom to support or not support a war (or a President, for that matter.) And since our tax dollars go toward paying for said war, it's our duty to voice such opinions. Now, since our tax dollars also go toward paying for the armed forces, we can, in fact, say that we want our (allegedly) elected leaders to spend money on the soldiers and not the war. See the distinction yet? You can have an army and not a war. You cannot, however, say that you support a President and not his policies, because a Presidency is defined by policies. Not supporting a war means disagreeing with the President and his policies (something protected by your little friend, the first amendment), since he is the Commander in Chief. It means that you do not support the elected leaders of this country, and you are willing to exercise your right to vote them out of a job in the next election. Which is exactly what we did.

So, just so we're clear:

"I support the troops but not the war" ≠ "I support the President but not his policies"

Unless you're using support to mean that you physically take the load of the President's weight, to hold him from slipping. Are you telling us that Rush Limbaugh is the President's chair? Or are you supplying him with money? Is it that 8th definition, that you're only tolerating the President? I think that one has fallen out of common use; after all, the quote was from Samuel Johnson.

Such a difficult language, English. I know that when I say I support the troops, I mean that I advocate their welfare. I want to make sure that they get good health care, proper armor and protection, that their lives will not be squandered on a war for, say, oil. I can't say that I act in a subordinate or secondary role to any of them, but I do appreciate the fact that they're willing to get shot at. So, please, Mr. Limbaugh, elaborate on your statement. In exactly what way do you support the President, if you don't support his policies?

"When you make a mistake, admit it. If you don't, you only make matters worse."
Ward Cleaver

Well. Here it is. The last day of my second decade on Earth. T minus 2:44:26. So many things to say. I'm going to miss my youth, and all of the youthful things that I will miss; in the missing of my youthfulness. Ah, bulls***t. I'm still 22 in my head, and that's all that matters. Let's get vashnigyered!

So many things to mock, so little time:

First things first. The day that we've all been waiting for for 8 years has come and gone, and so has W. I don't know about you, but I feel better already. I still don't have a job, but at least I have hope. Let's see if the cable company will take that instead of cash.

Many of you know that W. left Pres. Obama a personal letter in the Oval Office. Well, Gizmodo has the inside scoop on what was actually in the envelope.

Also, W.'s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, left a letter for Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, giving them advice on living in the White House. Hopefully, one of the tips was to avoid getting arrested for underage drinking.

In slightly more pointless news, ESPN is holding a mock NFL draft today. Because these are things we need to worry about. Guys, in case you haven't noticed, football season hasn't ended yet. They still have that little game that gets played every winter to do yet. I know it's easy to overlook, since almost nobody pays attention to this thing, but you might want to hold off on picking any foosball players until they've got a champion. Just a thought. Oh, and, BTW, the f'n draft doesn't happen until APRIL. Stop wasting our time with this crap until at least March.

Well, I think that's all the spleen I have to vent for now. If I come up with some more, you'll be the first to know.

1:39:00 of my 20's left.

"We have a saying in the movement that we don’t trust anybody over 30."
Jack Weinberg (1940-2006)

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

Wow. I guess it's that time of year again. The time of year where people get that glazed expression, walking around like zombies, waiting for the inevitable end of this yearly phenomenon. The time of year when hording and gluttony run rampant; when addiction and longing lead to the destruction of lives. The time of the year when that most mysterious and elusive of sandwiches reappears for a limited time only. That's right: The McRib is back! For a limited time ONLY! Why are you still reading this? You should be running RUNNING! to the car and driving at an insane speed to McDonald's RIGHT NOW so you can get your lips around the tangy tasty BBQ sauce and mystery meat that is a McRib. So what if there is no animal on earth shaped like that! It tastes GOOD! And it's MEAT! Consume mass quantities, because it's here for a LIMITED TIME ONLY! OMG! Don't know where a participating McDonald's near you is? Use the McRib Locator (I kid you not). Because what good is having a tool as powerful as the Internet if you can't use it to find artificially flavored/colored/pressed meat products? So get your ass to Micky D's now, and buy 7000 McRibs and freeze the 5000 you don't scarf down right away so that you have enough to get you through the long, cold, bleak winter of 2009 until the McRib comes around again. What are you still doing here! Go! Now!



"Like a rib, it tastes like liberty. Like a rib, with a bun of sesame. We start with authentic, letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, till it's good enough for Krusty."
-Ribwich ad from The Simpsons


Side effects may include: addiction, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart attack, colon cancer, leprosy, stomach ulcers, gangrene, and blindness. But who cares, it tastes good. And it's here for a LIMITED TIME ONLY!

What's that? I can't hear you! I played golf this morning. I'm still not giving up my burner.