In case you missed this during the last election, and for all you Sarah Palin sympathizers out there:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Sarah Palin Gender Card

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

If any of you out there are wondering why it's been 40 years since NASA has sent anyone to the moon or beyond, here's a little hint: Columbia disaster 'not survivable', NASA concludes. Yeah, you read that right. It's taken them 5 years to figure out what 7 astronauts could have told you in 3 seconds. A note to newspaper type people out there: please think before you print some of these headlines, ok? At least make Leno work for a living.

I saw this at the supermarket yesterday. I'd really like to know what was going through the mind of the person who wrote it, because it makes my brain hurt:

I wish I had a witty comment for this, but I think it speaks for itself:




Merry New Year!

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them."

Jane Austen

FDA OKs 1st Eyelash Drug Latisse

That's right. You read that correctly. Finally, after all those years of thin, light eyelashes, you can now buy a drug that will thicken and darken lashes. I can't tell you how excited I am by this. It's like a dream come true. I've been so ashamed to go out in public, because I just know everyone is looking at my eyelashes and thinking "Wow, it must be so hard living like that." But not anymore! No sir! Now, with Latisse I can have the confidence to show my face in public knowing that my eyelashes are thick and full and bushy and dark and hairy and gorgeous! Thank you, Allergan! You have answered my prayers!

In other news, still no cure for AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, or hundreds of other crippling, fatal diseases. You may be dead, but your eyelashes will look great, and your dick will be hard! Happy New Year!

"The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. "

-Idiocracy

I saw this ad on TV last night. I have to wonder just who thought that a snowman selling cell phone service was a good idea. As you can see, we're winning the war on drugs.

No. You're not.

Sorry, gang. That's all I got. I'm gonna go back to cleaning the house now.

"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
Roy Blount Jr.

And, for those of you who missed the reception...

I know it was a while ago when I promised wedding pics, but here you go.

So, as many of you know, President Bush yesterday was nearly shoed by an irate Iraqi reporter. In case you've been in a cave for the last 24 hours, here's the video:





Now, I can't really say I disagree with the guy. He was pissed about all the people that have died since the US invaded. I really hope that he gets a fair trial and a fair punishment. While I have to agree that he does have a right to freedom of speech and expression, that does not include violence against another living thing (even if said living thing was George W. Bush.)

Having said that, I just want to know one thing: where the hell was the Secret Service? Why was nobody flying across that lectern to take a shoe for the President? The prime minister of Iraq was doing more to protect the guy then his own body guards were. What's up, fellas? Just because Georgie gave up on being President 18 months ago doesn't mean you can too. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that every Secret Service agent wants nothing more than to take a bullet for the POTUS. So why not a shoe? Not dignified enough? BTW, nice moves Georgie. Good to see you're keeping fit.

In a related story, some of you may know that I got laid off last week. This is allegedly a temporary "hiccup" (their word, not mine) and should be over some time around February. We'll see. In the mean time, I urge you to keep up the letters to Ed McMahon. I figure, if I can get that million dollars between now and Feb., I won't have to go back. It could happen to me!

On the plus side, I'll now have all kinds of time to blog. Arent' you lucky!

"In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from."

Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005)

Wow. This is too good. Over at J&D's website (jdfoods.net) you can buy quite possibly one of the most offensive items of the holiday season: a menorah of bacon flavored salt. That's right goyim and mensches, you can have your own 8 days of bacony goodness, and it's Kosher, too! I'm not really sure how that works, but damn it's funny. And in case that's not enough bacon for you, you can also get the Baconnaise case. Ugh, I think I blocked an artery just typing that.

Forget that! Check this out! Holy Crap! Can it be May now?

"Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo! "

Olson Johnson, Blazing Saddles

This is pretty self explanatory. Add your own snarky comment here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make:

I know what I want for Christmas this year. THIS.

It's ok. You can go in on it together.

In other news, let's discuss how sad this is: Lance Bass Says Britney's Poised for 'Comeback of All Time'.

That's right. Someone whose career is over commenting on someone whose career should be over, in the grand daddy of don't care. I mean, really? Lance Bass? What, was Justin Timberlake too busy? Were the New Kids on the Block not commenting on this one? How about Color Me Badd? I know Milli Vanilli is dead, so it's kinda hard to get their take on the whole thing, but couldn't you at least try? This is what's wrong with the press today. They no longer have any pride in their work. Harrumph.

"Sanity is a madness put to good use."

George Santayana (1863 - 1952)

Hey, lookie! Pastis reads my blog!

On a more serious note, I need to talk to you people about a scourge on our nation. Yesterday, I went to Costco. Now, going to Costco on a weekend is a dangerous proposition to begin with. But yesterday, I saw things that nobody should be subject to. People, please, get this through your head: pulling your fat ass off the couch to walk around Costco DOES NOT count as exercise. OK? Especially when you stop at every free sample stand and then get 3 hot dogs, a pizza, and a cheese steak at the little cafe in front of the store. And the diet soda? Yeah, not really helping there. I'd like to send a little proposal to our new Congress and President: if you're so serious about reforming health care in this country, then you need to pass a new law. The law should say that if you weigh more than 250 lbs, you cannot be a member of Costco, Sam's Club, or BJ's. Unless you're over 7' tall. Then you have to be over 300 lbs. I think you'd cut the rate of heart disease in this country by about half.
And what's with you people who are totally oblivious to the fact htat there are other shopping carts in the store? This one jerk, had his cart parked perpendicular to the aisle, blocking the rest of it with his huge ass. There were, like, 15 people waiting for him to finish reading the FDA label on a 5 gallon jug of Cheez Whiz (here's a hint: you don't need it.) I bet this moron drives his car like that, and that's why you can't get into the damn parking lot.

Next time: Viagra commercials: are they effective, or just really, really creepy? And does the King approve of them using his song?

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

So bored. Hi gang. So I'm stuck here at this wedding, listening to this horrid cover band, and waiting for the Giants game to start. I've discovered that NFL.com lets you stream Sunday and Thursday night football games. Bonus. Uh oh, it's the 'my pussah' song. You know, the "Please Don't Stop the Music" one, that all you really want is for the music to stop. Oh boy, now it's cake cutting time! Can't this thing be over.

Earlier today, the maid of honor was trying to describe to me how she wanted the room to look for the ceremony, and she said "How would you want this room to look if it was your wedding?" to which I replied "No, I already made that decision this year. This one's up to you."

I've been doing alot of weddings and bar mitzvahs the last few weeks. And it sucks. But a paycheck is a paycheck.

Just a tip to all you youngsters out there planning a wedding: check out the music you plan on using for the ceremony before you make a final decision. Yesterday, I worked a wedding that used November Rain by Guns 'N Roses as their walk in music. Now, I know some of you recoil just because it's Guns 'N Roses, but it was played by a string quintet, so there was an attempt at class.









I don't know how many of you are familiar with this song, but it's got to be the most horrible song I've ever heard playing at a wedding. Just look at the first line of the song: When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. Doesn't that just say everlasting love to you? Just because the video is about a wedding, does not make the song a love song. In fact, if you WATCHED the damn video, you'd know it's a song about a wedding that FAILS. In fact, it fails before the end of the wedding reception. So people, please, I beg you, use your brain once in a while, ok?

And now: Crimes Against Spandex!

Exhibit A


Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I rest my case. I'm going to go vomit now.

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

Jack Handey (1949 - )

See. and you all thought I was kidding when I said that radical Muslims were referring to Disney when they called America the "Great Satan."

In other news, the wedding was a smash hit. Everyone had a great time. We're so glad all of you came, and had fun, and we can't wait for the next one! Pics forthcoming...

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)

What does it mean when the Wall Street Journal proclaims a Democrat's health care plan better than a Republican's?

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Just so you all know, John McCain invented the Blackberry. CNN has the story. I know. I couldn't believe it myself. Between that, and Sarah Palin, I don't know how this man cannot be the next President of the US. It worked for Al Gore!

Wedding plans are going smoothly. The pants on my tux were a bit too short today, but they let them out in about 5 minutes. Other than that, it's been great. That's all I got for now. Fringe is coming on. You should watch it. But not with your kids.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."

V.I. Lenin (1870 - 1924)

"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth."

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

Hi gang. I know you're all expecting new blogs now that I'm back on the road, but this tour is INSANE. So much kak. But hopefully I'll have more time now that this 3-D film shoot is over. Meanwhile, watch this:


http://view.break.com/536276 - Watch more free videos


Worst crane game prize ever.

"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic."
Arthur C. Clarke (1917 - )

Ladies and Gentlemen, your next American Idol!

Wow. I'm still blown away by the amount of money spent on children's birthdays. Today, I'm working a bat mitzvah. There's a DJ, of course, as well as 4 tattoo artists (airbrushed, of course), a pool table, a photo booth, two guitar hero setups, live video, 3 photographers, a sushi station, and that's just the beginning! If this is the 13th birthday, what do you do for the wedding? I don't even want to know.

So. What else do I got? Not much. The Oscars are tomorrow, if you care about that sort of thing. Personally, I don't really care much. I want to see a few of the movies that are nominated, and I think it would be cool if Daniel Day Lewis finally wins an Oscar, but other than that and Jon Stewart hosting I really don't care. I think I'd rather read about it on Monday than watch, which is exactly what I'll do. Especially since I'm working tomorrow night. Which brings me to:

Will Ferrel. Anyone seen his "Funny or Die" comedy tour? No? Shocking. But they've sold out Radio City Music Hall, so someone must still want to watch this crap. And I'm sure Semi-Pro will make a bajillion dollars opening weekend (well, one bajillion, nine hundred seventy thousand, four hundred twenty three dollars and seventeen cents, to be exact.) And I'm not sure why, other than that there really are that many morons out there. I mean, come on. If this horse hasn't been beaten to death yet, it's certainly well tenderized by now. The result? I have to sit through 2 hours of SNL rejects tomorrow night. Lucky me.

I don't know. Here, distract yourselves with this, I've got nothing left.


"It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over."

Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892 - 1950)

2/14/2008

Sitting backstage at a Rufus Wainwright show is not my ideal for Valentine’s Day. But then again, the bills gots ta get paid, so here I am.

Sean Lennon was the opening act. I couldn’t hear much from back here, but he does look like his father (and his mother, strangely enough). It didn’t sound bad, but didn’t really make me go “hey, that’s some really good stuff.” Ah well.

I feel like I’ve been quite lax with my blogging lately (thank you, anonymous, for that comment). There’s so much going on I want to comment about, but just don’t seem to find the time. So I’m going to work backwards from today until I’m done.

Tuesday was nice. The snow didn’t really surprise me, though it did seem to surprise the weather people. Like Lewis Black said, meteorologist is the Greek word for “liar.” Amanda and I went to the Harp and Bard around the corner and hung out with the bartender. Surprisingly, my cousin David showed up. It was great that he came. I really wish more of my cousins came out when I called, but I understand that I usually go out on weeknights and that’s not the best time for most. Ah well. It won’t stop me from trying.

The last week or so before that is kind of a blur. My favorite time of year, Vacuous Week; excuse me, Fashion Week in New York City. Between that and the Concierto Del Amor at Madison Square Garden on Saturday, it was a loooooong week. And after the last show I did at MSG during Fashion Week, it was a very stressful week. Surprisingly, and satisfyingly, everything worked.

The worst part about Fashion Week this year was the fact that I had to work during the Super Bowl. I made it out just in time to hear The Catch on the radio, and made it to the bar just in time for Plaxico Burress to score the winning touchdown. I must say though, that I’m most disappointed about missing the halftime show. For the first time I can remember, I was excited to see it. Dad TiVO’d it for me, but there’s still something about that that’s still not the same.

Other news… we’ve been searching for wedding type places. Still nothing definite, but we’re getting closer. Details will be forthcoming by the end of the month.

Roy Scheider died last week. I can’t say I’m an expert on his work, but he made some excellent films, and was one of my favorite actors. I was very sorry to hear it.

What else: my 29^th birthday came and went, and I still don’t feel like an adult. Though I’ve joked that it’s “my last birthday” and I can’t trust myself after next year, so maybe it’ll kick in in 2009.

Speaking of January 2009, let’s talk about politics, politics, politics! Where to begin? I really think that the more I hear about Barack Obama, the more I like him. Hillary may have more experience, but think about what kind of experience. Her husband was one of the most polarizing figures in American politics. It amazes me that despite how exhausting the late 90’s were politically, with Whitewater and Monica Lewinsky and even Vince Foster, among others, that people actually look back on the 90’s as a great decade. Yeah, the economy was great and people were making money; but at what cost? It was so bad that people thought George W. Bush was a good alternative. I must give Bush credit for one thing: he claimed to be a uniter, not a divider, and that’s true. He’s managed to unite almost the entire world against him and the US. Nice job. You've somehow made us nostalgic for the Clinton years.

How about the other side, you say? Well, in 2000 John McCain sounded like a good candidate. Certainly a much better alternative to W. The guy had combat experience; he was a moderate on things like gun control and campaign finance reform; most importantly: he wasn’t a Jesus freak. I could have voted for him. What’s happened in 8 years? Well, “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran” for one. I mean, we’ve spent 5 years, 4000 American lives, and TRILLIONs of dollars on a war in Iraq, for what? And this guy wants to take it to Iran? No thank you. Thanks for playing, better luck next time. Other good McCain points: he wouldn't mind staying in Iraq for 100 years? Let's see, that's 4000 lives in 5 years, so over 100 years that's only 80,000 Americans. Yeah, we can spare that. Just make sure you have two kids and you'll be ok. Most of all, he's 72 years old. It's time for some new blood, some people who still have an investment in the future, not an anchor to the past.

I know Obama has some bad things too, but they seem like mostly superficial things. Yeah, he lived in a Muslim country for part of his childhood. Shouldn’t that be an advantage? Here’s a guy who has lived with our enemy. He understands them. He knows how they think, and why they hate us. Who better to negotiate with them? After all, George Washington was a British officer before he was an American President. Obama may not have beltway experience, but neither did John Kennedy, and he’s considered one of the greatest Presidents ever. JFK had life experience, and so does Barack. Yeah, he's got one or two contributors with questionable pasts; show me a politician who doesn't and I'll show you Ross Perot.

On to my other fave subject: religion! I’ve been reading a book called The Year of Living Biblically. It’s an interesting read. The author is a writer for Esquire magazine, who previously wrote a book about reading the Encyclopedia Britannica from cover to cover. He’s a secular New Yorker, who decides that he’s going to follow the Bible literally for 365 days. He begins by reading the Bible, and then reads several different versions just to make sure he’s got all the rules. He finds over 700 commandments in the various texts, and proceeds to follow them all as best he can. He begins to wear all white, and attaches tassels to his clothes, avoids mixed fibers, grows his beard out, changes his diet, and begins to pray 3 times a day. He says that the rules are hard to follow at first, especially the no lying one. But as he goes on and researches more and more into Judaism and then Christianity, he finds that function follows form; that is he begins to become spiritual, if not religious. It’s an amazing look at religion from a view you don’t normally get. He tries to follow some of the more obscure rules, things that even the most Orthodox don’t normally do. I won’t say it’s changed my mind about religion or fundamentalism, but I think I’m starting to understand some of those rules.

What else is there? I know there’s a ton of stuff that’s happened in the last two months, but I can’t remember and/or maybe don’t want to tell the whole universe. Rufus and Sean just started playing “Across the Universe.” What a great song. I’ll leave you with this thought: Beatles songs are some of the hardest to cover. Why? Because most people know them, and many people have preconceived notions of them, so if you do it poorly, they’re instantly turned off by them. If, however, you do it well, then it just seems like you’re playing a Beatles song because you don’t have the talent to write a good song of your own. It’s a no win situation, really.

I needed to add this in: After the show, one of the stagehands said to me "It wasn't a bad show, but it had too much ALS in it for me." And my first thought was "What does Lou Gehrig's disease have to do with this?" Then he explained "ALS: Alternative Life Style. It's some politically correct was of saying 'GAY'." Yes, yes it was. From the dancing nuns to the cross dressing to the neon green suit, the show was DEFINITELY ALS.

Heywood Floyd (Roy Scheider): I'd love a hot dog.
Walter Curnow (John Lithgow): Astrodome. Good hot dogs there.
Heywood Floyd: Astrodome? You can't grow a good hot dog indoors. Yankee Stadium. September. The hot dogs have been boiling since opening day in April. Now that's a hot dog.
Walter Curnow: The yellow mustard or the darker kind?
Heywood Floyd: The darker kind.
Walter Curnow: Very important.

-2010:Odyssey Two

"The important thing is to do good work, no matter what medium you do it in."
-Roy Scheider

Wanted to share this with you all. This is from last Halloween. And yes, this is what we do at work.