I just saw this: Obama to Take First Foreign Trip as President to Canada.
I hate to break it to you, FOX News, but Canada doesn't count as a foreign trip. Sorry, try again.

In other news, I saw this on Gizmodo today:








Blendtec, eat your heart out. Make sure you check out the one where they shred the Dodge Daytona. Oh yeah.

And in case any of you still harbored thoughts that art was created on Broadway, I give you Thriller. I was almost excited at first. I saw a headline, Zombies On Broadway?, and I thought "Really? That would be AWESOME!" Then it occurred to me, that if it was on Broadway, then there would be lots of singing and dancing and other things that just don't belong in a zombie movie. Not that Thriller isn't cool, but it's nowhere near as cool as, say, Day of the Dead. But when I saw that they were going to take what was a cool 15 minute video and turn it into a Broadway musical, visions of The Times They Are A-Changin' danced in my head. I mean, is this really necessary? Can we get through life without a Michael Jackson musical? Please? Or can we at least have a Michael Jackson musical with a dancing, singing mouse that's his only real friend? Oh, wait, I just spoiled the plot for you. Sorry.

"Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead."

Charles Bukowski (1920 - 1994),

Today on Most Stupidest Things Ever Said, we have a new quote from a long time contributor, one who never fails to put his foot in his mouth and his hypocrisy on the table, Mr. Rush Limbaugh. Many of you may have heard that Mr. Limbaugh has been back in the media spotlight lately, with the election of a Democratic government here in the USA, his ultra-conservative views are making headlines again. Mr. Limbaugh was recently heard on his radio program saying that he hopes Barack Obama fails as President. While such a comment is not out of character, it is pretty damn rude. But our Most Stupidest Thing Ever Said comes from his EIB week in review, where he tried to back peddle his way out of trouble. Let's watch!

Speaking honestly, I mean look, people are misunderstanding this, Snerdley got a couple calls from some of his buddies last night, "What did your boss mean, he wants the president to fail?" I remain dumbfounded at the high degree, the high level of ignorance that there is out there. If it took a Drive-By reporter, Jim VandeHei of The Politico to finally understand this and to try to get the Drive-Bys up to speed on all this. But I just want to say, folks, look I support Obama. I just don't support his policies. I support our president, like I have supported all presidents. I just don't support Obama's policies. I don't support the nationalization of the banks, which has happened. I don't support the nationalization of the auto companies. I don't support the nationalization of the mortgage business. I don't like Barney Frank and Chris Dodd running things. And I don't want that to continue. But I support our president. I'm like anybody else, I support the president. I just don't support the policies.

Hey, Rush, time to get your facts straight, buddy. The nationalization of the banks? Happened under Bush. The nationalization of auto companies? Bush again. Mortgage business? Oh, right, that Bush guy started that too.

I know that in your head, saying you support the President without supporting his policies is a way to point out the "absurdity" of the statement "I support the troops, but I don't support the war," but it really doesn't work that way. You see, as Americans, we have the choice and the freedom to support or not support a war (or a President, for that matter.) And since our tax dollars go toward paying for said war, it's our duty to voice such opinions. Now, since our tax dollars also go toward paying for the armed forces, we can, in fact, say that we want our (allegedly) elected leaders to spend money on the soldiers and not the war. See the distinction yet? You can have an army and not a war. You cannot, however, say that you support a President and not his policies, because a Presidency is defined by policies. Not supporting a war means disagreeing with the President and his policies (something protected by your little friend, the first amendment), since he is the Commander in Chief. It means that you do not support the elected leaders of this country, and you are willing to exercise your right to vote them out of a job in the next election. Which is exactly what we did.

So, just so we're clear:

"I support the troops but not the war" ≠ "I support the President but not his policies"

Unless you're using support to mean that you physically take the load of the President's weight, to hold him from slipping. Are you telling us that Rush Limbaugh is the President's chair? Or are you supplying him with money? Is it that 8th definition, that you're only tolerating the President? I think that one has fallen out of common use; after all, the quote was from Samuel Johnson.

Such a difficult language, English. I know that when I say I support the troops, I mean that I advocate their welfare. I want to make sure that they get good health care, proper armor and protection, that their lives will not be squandered on a war for, say, oil. I can't say that I act in a subordinate or secondary role to any of them, but I do appreciate the fact that they're willing to get shot at. So, please, Mr. Limbaugh, elaborate on your statement. In exactly what way do you support the President, if you don't support his policies?

"When you make a mistake, admit it. If you don't, you only make matters worse."
Ward Cleaver

Well. Here it is. The last day of my second decade on Earth. T minus 2:44:26. So many things to say. I'm going to miss my youth, and all of the youthful things that I will miss; in the missing of my youthfulness. Ah, bulls***t. I'm still 22 in my head, and that's all that matters. Let's get vashnigyered!

So many things to mock, so little time:

First things first. The day that we've all been waiting for for 8 years has come and gone, and so has W. I don't know about you, but I feel better already. I still don't have a job, but at least I have hope. Let's see if the cable company will take that instead of cash.

Many of you know that W. left Pres. Obama a personal letter in the Oval Office. Well, Gizmodo has the inside scoop on what was actually in the envelope.

Also, W.'s twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara, left a letter for Obama's daughters, Sasha and Malia, giving them advice on living in the White House. Hopefully, one of the tips was to avoid getting arrested for underage drinking.

In slightly more pointless news, ESPN is holding a mock NFL draft today. Because these are things we need to worry about. Guys, in case you haven't noticed, football season hasn't ended yet. They still have that little game that gets played every winter to do yet. I know it's easy to overlook, since almost nobody pays attention to this thing, but you might want to hold off on picking any foosball players until they've got a champion. Just a thought. Oh, and, BTW, the f'n draft doesn't happen until APRIL. Stop wasting our time with this crap until at least March.

Well, I think that's all the spleen I have to vent for now. If I come up with some more, you'll be the first to know.

1:39:00 of my 20's left.

"We have a saying in the movement that we don’t trust anybody over 30."
Jack Weinberg (1940-2006)

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

Groucho Marx (1890 - 1977)

Wow. I guess it's that time of year again. The time of year where people get that glazed expression, walking around like zombies, waiting for the inevitable end of this yearly phenomenon. The time of year when hording and gluttony run rampant; when addiction and longing lead to the destruction of lives. The time of the year when that most mysterious and elusive of sandwiches reappears for a limited time only. That's right: The McRib is back! For a limited time ONLY! Why are you still reading this? You should be running RUNNING! to the car and driving at an insane speed to McDonald's RIGHT NOW so you can get your lips around the tangy tasty BBQ sauce and mystery meat that is a McRib. So what if there is no animal on earth shaped like that! It tastes GOOD! And it's MEAT! Consume mass quantities, because it's here for a LIMITED TIME ONLY! OMG! Don't know where a participating McDonald's near you is? Use the McRib Locator (I kid you not). Because what good is having a tool as powerful as the Internet if you can't use it to find artificially flavored/colored/pressed meat products? So get your ass to Micky D's now, and buy 7000 McRibs and freeze the 5000 you don't scarf down right away so that you have enough to get you through the long, cold, bleak winter of 2009 until the McRib comes around again. What are you still doing here! Go! Now!



"Like a rib, it tastes like liberty. Like a rib, with a bun of sesame. We start with authentic, letter-graded meat, and process the hell out of it, till it's good enough for Krusty."
-Ribwich ad from The Simpsons


Side effects may include: addiction, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart attack, colon cancer, leprosy, stomach ulcers, gangrene, and blindness. But who cares, it tastes good. And it's here for a LIMITED TIME ONLY!

What's that? I can't hear you! I played golf this morning. I'm still not giving up my burner.

In case you missed this during the last election, and for all you Sarah Palin sympathizers out there:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

Sarah Palin Gender Card

Barack Obama Interview
John McCain Interview

Sarah Palin Video
Funny Election Video

If any of you out there are wondering why it's been 40 years since NASA has sent anyone to the moon or beyond, here's a little hint: Columbia disaster 'not survivable', NASA concludes. Yeah, you read that right. It's taken them 5 years to figure out what 7 astronauts could have told you in 3 seconds. A note to newspaper type people out there: please think before you print some of these headlines, ok? At least make Leno work for a living.

I saw this at the supermarket yesterday. I'd really like to know what was going through the mind of the person who wrote it, because it makes my brain hurt:

I wish I had a witty comment for this, but I think it speaks for itself:




Merry New Year!

"I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them."

Jane Austen

FDA OKs 1st Eyelash Drug Latisse

That's right. You read that correctly. Finally, after all those years of thin, light eyelashes, you can now buy a drug that will thicken and darken lashes. I can't tell you how excited I am by this. It's like a dream come true. I've been so ashamed to go out in public, because I just know everyone is looking at my eyelashes and thinking "Wow, it must be so hard living like that." But not anymore! No sir! Now, with Latisse I can have the confidence to show my face in public knowing that my eyelashes are thick and full and bushy and dark and hairy and gorgeous! Thank you, Allergan! You have answered my prayers!

In other news, still no cure for AIDS, cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, or hundreds of other crippling, fatal diseases. You may be dead, but your eyelashes will look great, and your dick will be hard! Happy New Year!

"The years passed, mankind became stupider at a frightening rate. Some had high hopes the genetic engineering would correct this trend in evolution, but sadly the greatest minds and resources where focused on conquering hair loss and prolonging erections. "

-Idiocracy

I saw this ad on TV last night. I have to wonder just who thought that a snowman selling cell phone service was a good idea. As you can see, we're winning the war on drugs.

No. You're not.

Sorry, gang. That's all I got. I'm gonna go back to cleaning the house now.

"The last time somebody said, 'I find I can write much better with a word processor.', I replied, 'They used to say the same thing about drugs.'"
Roy Blount Jr.

And, for those of you who missed the reception...

I know it was a while ago when I promised wedding pics, but here you go.

So, as many of you know, President Bush yesterday was nearly shoed by an irate Iraqi reporter. In case you've been in a cave for the last 24 hours, here's the video:





Now, I can't really say I disagree with the guy. He was pissed about all the people that have died since the US invaded. I really hope that he gets a fair trial and a fair punishment. While I have to agree that he does have a right to freedom of speech and expression, that does not include violence against another living thing (even if said living thing was George W. Bush.)

Having said that, I just want to know one thing: where the hell was the Secret Service? Why was nobody flying across that lectern to take a shoe for the President? The prime minister of Iraq was doing more to protect the guy then his own body guards were. What's up, fellas? Just because Georgie gave up on being President 18 months ago doesn't mean you can too. If Hollywood has taught me anything, it's that every Secret Service agent wants nothing more than to take a bullet for the POTUS. So why not a shoe? Not dignified enough? BTW, nice moves Georgie. Good to see you're keeping fit.

In a related story, some of you may know that I got laid off last week. This is allegedly a temporary "hiccup" (their word, not mine) and should be over some time around February. We'll see. In the mean time, I urge you to keep up the letters to Ed McMahon. I figure, if I can get that million dollars between now and Feb., I won't have to go back. It could happen to me!

On the plus side, I'll now have all kinds of time to blog. Arent' you lucky!

"In all recorded history there has not been one economist who has had to worry about where the next meal would come from."

Peter Drucker (1909 - 2005)

Wow. This is too good. Over at J&D's website (jdfoods.net) you can buy quite possibly one of the most offensive items of the holiday season: a menorah of bacon flavored salt. That's right goyim and mensches, you can have your own 8 days of bacony goodness, and it's Kosher, too! I'm not really sure how that works, but damn it's funny. And in case that's not enough bacon for you, you can also get the Baconnaise case. Ugh, I think I blocked an artery just typing that.

Forget that! Check this out! Holy Crap! Can it be May now?

"Never mind that shit! Here comes Mongo! "

Olson Johnson, Blazing Saddles

This is pretty self explanatory. Add your own snarky comment here.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have an announcement to make:

I know what I want for Christmas this year. THIS.

It's ok. You can go in on it together.

In other news, let's discuss how sad this is: Lance Bass Says Britney's Poised for 'Comeback of All Time'.

That's right. Someone whose career is over commenting on someone whose career should be over, in the grand daddy of don't care. I mean, really? Lance Bass? What, was Justin Timberlake too busy? Were the New Kids on the Block not commenting on this one? How about Color Me Badd? I know Milli Vanilli is dead, so it's kinda hard to get their take on the whole thing, but couldn't you at least try? This is what's wrong with the press today. They no longer have any pride in their work. Harrumph.

"Sanity is a madness put to good use."

George Santayana (1863 - 1952)

Hey, lookie! Pastis reads my blog!

On a more serious note, I need to talk to you people about a scourge on our nation. Yesterday, I went to Costco. Now, going to Costco on a weekend is a dangerous proposition to begin with. But yesterday, I saw things that nobody should be subject to. People, please, get this through your head: pulling your fat ass off the couch to walk around Costco DOES NOT count as exercise. OK? Especially when you stop at every free sample stand and then get 3 hot dogs, a pizza, and a cheese steak at the little cafe in front of the store. And the diet soda? Yeah, not really helping there. I'd like to send a little proposal to our new Congress and President: if you're so serious about reforming health care in this country, then you need to pass a new law. The law should say that if you weigh more than 250 lbs, you cannot be a member of Costco, Sam's Club, or BJ's. Unless you're over 7' tall. Then you have to be over 300 lbs. I think you'd cut the rate of heart disease in this country by about half.
And what's with you people who are totally oblivious to the fact htat there are other shopping carts in the store? This one jerk, had his cart parked perpendicular to the aisle, blocking the rest of it with his huge ass. There were, like, 15 people waiting for him to finish reading the FDA label on a 5 gallon jug of Cheez Whiz (here's a hint: you don't need it.) I bet this moron drives his car like that, and that's why you can't get into the damn parking lot.

Next time: Viagra commercials: are they effective, or just really, really creepy? And does the King approve of them using his song?

"I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately."

George Carlin (1937 - 2008)

So bored. Hi gang. So I'm stuck here at this wedding, listening to this horrid cover band, and waiting for the Giants game to start. I've discovered that NFL.com lets you stream Sunday and Thursday night football games. Bonus. Uh oh, it's the 'my pussah' song. You know, the "Please Don't Stop the Music" one, that all you really want is for the music to stop. Oh boy, now it's cake cutting time! Can't this thing be over.

Earlier today, the maid of honor was trying to describe to me how she wanted the room to look for the ceremony, and she said "How would you want this room to look if it was your wedding?" to which I replied "No, I already made that decision this year. This one's up to you."

I've been doing alot of weddings and bar mitzvahs the last few weeks. And it sucks. But a paycheck is a paycheck.

Just a tip to all you youngsters out there planning a wedding: check out the music you plan on using for the ceremony before you make a final decision. Yesterday, I worked a wedding that used November Rain by Guns 'N Roses as their walk in music. Now, I know some of you recoil just because it's Guns 'N Roses, but it was played by a string quintet, so there was an attempt at class.









I don't know how many of you are familiar with this song, but it's got to be the most horrible song I've ever heard playing at a wedding. Just look at the first line of the song: When I look into your eyes, I can see a love restrained. Doesn't that just say everlasting love to you? Just because the video is about a wedding, does not make the song a love song. In fact, if you WATCHED the damn video, you'd know it's a song about a wedding that FAILS. In fact, it fails before the end of the wedding reception. So people, please, I beg you, use your brain once in a while, ok?

And now: Crimes Against Spandex!

Exhibit A


Exhibit B

Exhibit C

I rest my case. I'm going to go vomit now.

"I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it."

Jack Handey (1949 - )

See. and you all thought I was kidding when I said that radical Muslims were referring to Disney when they called America the "Great Satan."

In other news, the wedding was a smash hit. Everyone had a great time. We're so glad all of you came, and had fun, and we can't wait for the next one! Pics forthcoming...

"Education is the ability to listen to almost anything without losing your temper or your self-confidence."
Robert Frost (1874 - 1963)

What does it mean when the Wall Street Journal proclaims a Democrat's health care plan better than a Republican's?

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul."
George Bernard Shaw (1856 - 1950)

Just so you all know, John McCain invented the Blackberry. CNN has the story. I know. I couldn't believe it myself. Between that, and Sarah Palin, I don't know how this man cannot be the next President of the US. It worked for Al Gore!

Wedding plans are going smoothly. The pants on my tux were a bit too short today, but they let them out in about 5 minutes. Other than that, it's been great. That's all I got for now. Fringe is coming on. You should watch it. But not with your kids.

"A lie told often enough becomes the truth."

V.I. Lenin (1870 - 1924)

"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth."

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)