Well. Today we have reached a totally new level of stupid. I don't know how many of you have heard about this Chocolate Jesus controversy, but it's beyond ludicrous. To summarize, the Roger Smith Lab Gallery in Manhattan was scheduled to display a sculpture of Jesus Christ on the cross this week for two hours every day. The sculpture was done by a man named Cosimo Cavallaro, an artist known mostly for working in food. Now, these tiny brained morons at the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights have decided that two things about this sculpture "offend" them: 1. the fact that Christ is depicted nude, and 2. the fact that it's "brown" chocolate and not white. I have the perfect solution to this problem, really. We take everyone who's offended by this display, send them to a remote part of Pennsylvania, and remove them from the breeding pool with extreme prejudice. Seriously. If you're too stupid to realize that a. Christ was probably brown skinned, and b. odds are he was hung on that cross naked, cuz that's the way Romans did things; then get out of the pool; your ideas and beliefs are no longer needed in society, thank you for playing, and enjoy your time in hell.

I think my favorite part of this whole thing is that these people claim to be fighting for "Civil Rights" (it's in the name!). Well, what about freedom of speech? I think that's the first one, isn't it? Where is Mr. Cavallaro's freedom of speech? Where's his freedom to express himself? From the Catholic League's own website "When the religious freedom rights of any American are threatened, the Catholic League stands ready to fight for justice in the courts." Well, boys, put your money where your mouth is. Maybe, just maybe, if you narrow minded jerks took a minute to LOOK at the piece of artwork before judging it, you might actually like it. But, no, you're the same idiots who think that Michelangelo's David or Botticelli's Birth of Venus is obscene. You thing that the human form is gross and disgusting, yet your own holy scripture says that we were created in the form of God. I think Mayor Bloomberg (who I'm not usually quick to agree with) hit the nail right on the head this time. He said "If you want to give the guy some publicity, talk more about it, make a big fuss. If you want to really hurt him, don't pay attention." Well, it's time to make a fuss. You can contact the Roger Smith Gallery here. Let them know how stupid this whole thing is, and that this display should be shown, because if you let one group constantly dictate what kind of art we show in this country, then we're really no better than Soviet Russia or Red China. Just because this is a religious group and not the state makes it no better.

Please don't take this rant to be anti-Catholic. While my views on religion and Catholicism may have bled into this a little, this is mostly anti-Stupid. These people have reached a new level of stupid, and they're using their religious beliefs as an excuse for it. If I was a practicing Catholic, I would be EXTREMELY offended by it, because people like these are the ones who give Catholics and Christians and religious people in general a bad name. They're called zealots, and will continue in their stupidity and ignorance until the more moderate of us do something about it. What can you do? Join these organizations. Make your voice heard. Moderation can only come from within. If your elected representatives know that these blowhards don't represent you, that they're just a small group of ignorant people with big mouths, then we can avoid situations like this one. Otherwise, we might as well all go live in Iran.

"Don't be sweet, lest you be eaten up; don't be bitter, lest you be spewed out."

Jewish Proverb

"What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

Jewish Proverb

Hey kids, just felt the need to share this list from The Onion.com AV Club (good reading, highly recommended.) The Way Of The Swayze: How To Be A Thoughtful Hunk. Yeah. That's right. And if you can handle that, then you're just one step away from Steve McQueen awesomeness. If not, well, then, there's always Chuck Norris...

"It's not getting up there that bothers me. It's staying up there that I mind."
-Steve McQueen, The Magnificent Seven

What's up, all you fine peoples out there in blogger land! I'm not ignoring you, honest, just crazy busy! Been working at the Gramercy alot, and since there's (still) no Internet access there, it's been kinda hard to keep up. But I haven't forgotten my faithful readers (both of you. Hi Mom!)

So, yeah, between the Gram and getting ready for the big Guster show at the Beacon, that's pretty much been my life. I think I've seen Amanda twice in the last two weeks, other than to say "goodnight" or "good morning." And even then, one of us is half asleep. But, hey, I could be on tour, right? Yeah.

Watched Casino Royale last week. I highly recommend it. Best Bond film in 20 years. Ok, well, maybe since Goldeneye. But still damn good. And I know it's been said, many times, many ways; but Daniel Craig is easily the #2 all time Bond, after Mr. Connery, of course. Many people have said that they don't really get in to Bond films, that they think they're boring and formulaic. Well, to those people I say this: yes, you're right. But not this one. There's actually a new script for this one. And it's good. Just make sure you go potty before watching, as it is a long film. Got it? Ok, moving on.

So, we have Mika coming up tonight at the Gram. I know you've never heard of him, but check it out. Very odd kind of British thing going on there, not really sure how to describe it except that it's kind of like he ate a copy of Yellow Submarine and just keeps pooping it out. The man at table 3 said EXTRA magic mushrooms on that salad, thank you.

So, here's some pics from earlier in the week. Enjoy!

Into Eternity: Canuck Death Metal.

The Haunted: Swedish Death Metal. No bikini team, either. Bummer.

Macy Gray, pop diva. Not really, she was pretty cool.

"I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer."
-- Douglas Adams

So, I don't know how many of you enjoyed my random thought for the day, because apparently no one cares. But that's OK: it was a random thought.

Here's a not-so-random thought: while reading the news today, I noticed this little gem in the San Fransisco (not Frisco, never Frisco, they hate that) Chronicle: Bush Warns Dems to Take Offer in Firings. Now, I don't know about you, faithful reader that you are, but this article reminds me of another President, one who had a hostile Congress of the opposite party calling for his impeachment, albeit on a slightly more trivial matter. Gee, just who could that be? Oh, right, him. More on that here. And, I just want to say this: it may make me a bad American for never having seen his Presidential portrait before, but damn if that isn't the gayest looking Presidential portrait I've ever seen. I mean, why couldn't he just have Monica painted in there, in just the right position. Then it would be the coolest Presidential portrait ever.

And just look at the first paragraph of that bio. Here, I'll link to it again. Hard to believe, isn't it?

Anyway, getting back to Pres. Shrub, I just want to use this quote:

Bush said he would aggressively fight in court any attempt to subpoena White House aides.

"If the staff of a president operated in constant fear of being hauled before various committees to discuss internal deliberations, the president would not receive candid advice and the American people would be ill-served," he [Pres. Bush] said. "I'm sorry the situation has gotten to where it's got, but that's Washington, D.C., for you. You know there's a lot of politics in this town."

Two things bother me here. 1. The fact that Bush uses the same argument to cover up his reasons for firing federal prosecutors that disagreed with him as Clinton used to try to keep his staff from testifying about Monica. Where's the outrage, people? When ol' Bill used this tactic, the pundit-sphere (yeah, that's right.) went crazy-nuts. Yet why isn't anyone losing their mind over this?

2. Bush says "there's a lot of politics in this town." like it's a friggin' revelation or something! Come ON! Politics?!? In Washington D.C.? No, I can't believe it. a nflkjas7feingu.!

Ok, that's enough of THAT. Look! Kittens!




Awww.....


So, I know I promised a rant about Ann Coulter and what a C-Word she is, but I'm thinking it's better to take this approach: ignore it, and it'll go away. At least, that's what I'm hoping this self-hating closet lesbian will do. Oh, did I say that out loud?


"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"

Art Hoppe

I wanted to give you a silly picture today, but I just couldn't find one. SO I'll give you a crazy thought instead: if one truly is the loneliest number, then why is 13 unlucky? Who makes these decisions? How do I get on that committee? Can we do something about 27?

Hey gang, just a shortie before work today. A few observations:

1. Just who does Tom DeLay think he is? Now, many of you know, I try not to watch TV news shows because they make me angry and I start yelling at the TV. But I happened to catch part of Meet the Press with Tim Russert yesterday, and Mr. DeLay was talking about the Iraq war when he said this:

"FMR. REP. DeLAY: Well, I--it, it is my opinion that when you go to war, we ought to all come together. You can debate going to war, that's a legitimate debate. But once you have our soldiers and our, our young people dying on the battlefield, we should come together, and we shouldn't have what we had yesterday on the Mall of, of, of--in Washington, D.C. When the--those are not, in my mind--my opinion, patriots that are talking about impeaching the commander in chief, that are--that are--work as, as Tom's group works....

MR. RUSSERT: But setting a date for--is setting a date for withdrawal...

FMR. REP. DeLAY: ...every step of the day, undermine--I think it's aiding and abetting the enemy. When you tell the enemy what your strategy is, that's aiding and abetting the enemy because they can use that strategy to come back and harm your soldiers."

Can someone please inform Mr. DeLay that these "not patriots" are in fact using the very freedom of speech that he sent soldiers to Iraq to supposedly defend? And, if we look at history (like his debate opponent here, Rep. Joe Sestak (D-PA)) , you'll see that when, in the past, we've set deadlines for withdrawal, they tend to work in favor of our troops. Like in Vietnam. And Kosovo. And Somalia. When it's time to go, it's time to go. And calling for that publicly is not a terrorist act, Tom. It's your duty as an American citizen. You stupid douche.

2. I don't know how many of you have heard about this one, but apparently some kid in Alaska decided it would be a good idea to put up a banner that said "Bong Hits for Jesus" at a rally when the Olympic torch passed through in 2002. His high school principal did not agree, and the case has finally reached the Supreme Court. Now, this is an important free speech issue and all, but I'd just like to say this: maybe some bong hits would be a good thing for Jesus and all his pals. Those people REALLY need to loosen up.

3. For those of you out there with "March Madness" and "Bracket Fever" and whatnot, this is just a reminder: there is a "rest of the world" and we don't care. Just a little something to keep in mind.

4. I don't know how many of you read the comics, but Non Sequitur has run a hilariously funny set of comics last week dealing with the media. You can check them out starting here: http://www.gocomics.com/nonsequitur/2007/03/13/.

5. I just found out that if you search Google for "backwards k," my blog is the number 4 entry! Tell all your friends, and let's see if we can get number 1!


And finally, a word from out sponsor:

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

Hubert H. Humphrey (1911 - 1978)

This post is in response to a post on my cousin Kristian's blog, Shocked and Awed. Read the post in question, along with comments here. For whatever reason, I'm having a hard time posting a comment on his blog, so I've decided to share my comment here, with all of you. Yes, it's political and yes, there's some harsh things in there, but that's the way I see it.

So, I just read the post from the other day, "Why a liberal can't vote Democrat." I just want to point out something: if you compare the casualty figures from Iraq to the casualty figures from Vietnam (something we're NEVER EVER supposed to do), you may notice a similarity.

In 10 years in Vietnam (1964-1975), approximately 1.5 million North Vietnamese died. In that same time, 58,226 American soldiers were listed as KIA or MIA, according to this website. In four years in Iraq, 3,162 Americans were KIA, and up to 655,000 Iraqi's (civilian and military) have been killed. That's about 207 Iraqis for every one American. Extrapolate those numbers to 10 years and you find that 7,905 Americans will have died to over 1.6 million Iraqis.

My point here is this: we killed 25 Vietnamese for every American that died in Vietnam, yet they still had the strength and the will to fight us. And they still turned to civil war as soon as the US left. In Iraq, we're killing anywhere from 17:1 (some estimates are as low as 55,000 Iraqis dead) to over 10 times that much, and they're still fighting. We can "stay the course" for 10, 15, or 20 years, the result will be the same. As it was for the British, and the Ottomans before them.

These people do not want Democracy, at least, not the secular democracy we're trying to force down their throats. Until the small minded religious views are sorted out, this part of the world will be nothing but a war zone, hostile to free thought and expression. Islam in this war is just a replacement for Communism, and as soon as the US leaves Iraq, it will devolve into sectarian violence (worse than it already has) and chaos, with local war lords controlling most of the country. There is nothing to prevent this, because the only people that can stop it are the Iraqis, and they're too busy arguing about something that happened 1300 years ago to worry about tomorrow. The longer Americans stay in this situation, the more of them will die. And, though it may make me a bad person to say it, they'll die for nothing. Because no one will be freed. No one will be saved.

Are the Iraqi's better off without Saddam? Only the Iraqis can answer that. Will 4,000 more American lives prevent the genocide that will come when the US leaves? Doubtful. I don't know if you're a betting man, but it seems to me that the safe bet is to leave, and try to contain the violence to Iraq. Pull US forces out of Baghdad and to the borders. Lock down Iraqi airspace. Keep the Iranians and Jordanians and Syrians out. Step out of the line of fire and let the Iraqis fight it out amongst themselves. Then maybe, MAYBE, there will be a chance for peace in Iraq. But no revolution of this kind (that would be religious, not political) can be achieved without blood. It just won't happen.

"I must study politics and war that my sons may have liberty to study mathematics and philosophy. My sons ought to study mathematics and philosophy, geography, natural history, naval architecture, navigation, commerce, and agriculture, in order to give their children a right to study painting, poetry, music, architecture, statuary, tapestry, and porcelain."

John Adams (1735 - 1826)

Good morning, kids. Hope you all remembered to set your clocks ahead today. Good, now we can get on with the silliness.

Popped on to Google News (now out of beta!) to find this little gem: Native American trackers to hunt bin Laden. All I really want to know is: WHY WEREN'T THEY SENT IN 5 YEARS AGO!!!! Sorry to raise my voice, but if this man is supposedly the number one priority for our government, then why has it taken so long and so many lives to send in the best trackers that we have? Could it maybe be that the government doesn't really want to find bin Laden? Could it be because the longer he is on the loose, the longer they can justify spending on ridiculous military programs? Could it be that Osama will be magically "found" somewhere around October of 2008, just in time for the Republicans to look REALLY good for the election? Or maybe in December 2008, as a final coup de gras to the Shrub administration? Can I add any more questions to this paragraph? Who wants to know?

Ok, now that THAT's out of the way, on to lighter fare: this week marked the re-opening of the Gramercy Theatre in NYC. The first night featured three bands: Beat the Devil, Monsters are Waiting, and stellastarr*. All three are "indie" bands (even tho stellastarr* has a record contract with RCA) and from Brooklyn. Beat the Devil and Monsters are Waiting were surprisingly good, in their own way. BTD was three people: a drummer, a bass/keyboard/bass drummer, and a female vocalist with a growl and harmonium. Very interesting, and when they put it all together, quite good. MAW wasn't bad either, very trippy and electronic, with a kind of pop/techno sound. More pop than techno. stellastarr* also played well, with a few catchy tunes, but I found them to be rather derivative: they were trying very hard to be an 80's band without being an 80's band. Think The Cure. Ah well.

So that show went well, and then Thursday was Charlie Louvin, with Laura Cantrell. We went from goth/electronica to classic country. We got both kinds a music here! Charlie Louvin is one half of the fabled country duo the Louvin Brothers, and at 79 years old, he puts on a good show. He's quick, lots of one liners between songs, and his voice is strong. He put together a fantastic band and gave the people a wonderful show.

Friday night we had a group of Liverpudlians (not to be confused with Lillipudlians) calling themselves Clinic. Their gimmick is that they wear surgical masks and scrubs on stage, while playing a kind of punk/pop that can only be described as repetitive. While they have a fairly unique sound and I did like one or two of the songs, hearing them over and over for 1 1/2 hours was a little tedious. But I digress. The band that opened for them was called Holy F*** (without the ***). While that wasn't my first reaction (it was more like "What the f***?), and it wasn't my final analysis, it wasn't terrible. They certainly had fun playing. And I did too, believe it or not. Their brand of electronic punk is perfect for lighting: go nuts, push every button and see what happens. Woo Hoo! Here's some pics from Friday:

Holy F***

Clinic

Well, that's about all for now. Keep your noses clean and don't forget to brush!

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river."

Nikita Khrushchev (1894 - 1971)

So, today I learned a valuable lesson: your tiny screw up today can make someone else's life hell in ten years. Now, I had a nice little entry prepared for all about how much fun I had in Phoenix: about how great the company we rented the gear from was; how fantastic it was working for a client who actually took the time to make sure we ATE; how I got to play golf on Sunday, even tho it was only 9 holes and I played terribly; about how I ran into Charlie Moore (who apparently got my father so drunk on the night I was born... well, we won't go into that); about how I hung out with Rob Grasso (who apparently went to Clifton High with my Uncle DJ, and I quote "Oh, yeah, I went to high school with DJ. Wow, how old does that make ME?"); and about how awesome the Great Lawn that I lit looked (the hotel people were asking if we could just leave the lights there. I told them that wasn't my decision, but I'd be happy to come back and do it again.) But nooooooooooooo. No, tonight, I'm going to tell you all about how some toolbag 10 years ago ruined my day today by not following procedure.

You see, today started my run at the Grammercy Theatre in NYC. Last October, Live Nation bought the Grammercy and began turning it into a concert venue. When BML was hired to install the lighting rig, they tapped me to run it. Very cool. A great opportunity. But we can't pay you your full rate. But it's a great opportunity. And if I wasn't excited about it, I guess I would be more p. o.'d. But I digress. SO, when I got to the Grammercy today and turned on the dimmer rack, it started acting weird. None of the lights would come on. And one of the little warning LED's was on. The one that said "Over Voltage." I knew this was bad. Especially since this was the second dimmer rack sent in because the first was having the same problem. SO I pulled out my trusty meter to check the power: 109v on phase A (too low); 132 v on phase B (too high); 138v on phase C (Ludicrous speed, GO!). And 25v on the ground/neutral (really, really, REALLY bad. Like letting the magic smoke out bad.) Well, what to do? Go to the disconnect, start at the start, right? So, meter the disconnect: 123v on line A (good); 123v on line B (really good), 120v on line C (disco). And 0v on the ground/ neutral. Hmm... what could possibly cause THAT? (for those of you without electronics training, your normal, everyday, household power should be 120v, 60 Hz. This means that, 60 times, every second, there are 120v of electrical pressure on the line, creating the potential for work (measured in watts) to be done. Any variation of more than 10 v in this line can cause your electrical appliance to A. not work (too low) or B. burn (too high). So in this case, 138v is bad. Not as bad as say, 480v, but bad nonetheless. So, everyone got that? Good.) So, you're probably asking yourself, but Mikey, what does this have to do with the jerk 10 years ago? (actually, you're probably asking yourself, Self, why have you read this far into this crap? Don't you have something better to do, like emptying the litter box or putting bamboo shoots in your toenails? Well, I'll tell you: no, you obviously don't.) You see, the reason for my way off the mark readings is because some tool bag installed an electrical box with two neutrals, BUT ONLY CONNECTED ONE. And then he left the wire for the disconnected one HANGING LOOSE with NO INSULATION at all! So when I came along and said "Hey, this looks like my place to tie in to power! I'll just plug in here" and plugged in the neutral to the disconnected plug, it caused the power to run to the panel box that the bare wire was touching, creating a ground fault and potentially deadly situation. So, toolbag from Production Arts who installed this stupid panel: thank you, for wasting 4 hours of my life. And thank you, for ALMOST KILLING ME. I really appreciate it, and hope that the 15 seconds you saved by taking a shortcut were well spent, and not spent on crap like this.

Ok, I'm done now. You really should check out that last link tho. It's true, I'm convinced. Don't say I didn't warn you... sorry about the rant. Next time I'll have one on that dried up old c-word Ann Coulter, and her homo-hatin' ways, but I'm just tapped out right now.

"Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people."

Robert Benchley (1889 - 1945)

Hey Gang! Chillin' here in Phoenix, where the temperature is a chilly 66 deg F. Hope you're all keeping warm! So, just a quickie: 1. for those of you who are "sarcastically challenged" (I know who you are), my comment about getting engaged not being "important" is supposed to be a JOKE! Get it!?! I put it a the END of the post, after all kinds of other, not really significant CRAP and said it wasn't a big deal. HA HA HA!

2. I saw this sign the other day as we wandered thru a mall (we're really working hard. Honest, Mom.)

Now, I think it needs to be said that crabs are not cool. Ever. Not that I would know from personal experience, but it really is kinda gross.

"The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal."

H. L. Mencken (1880 - 1956)

Ok, so, here it is, the post you've all been waiting for! Big news in the last two months, I know some of you have heard, but yes, it is true, I'm not on tour with Guster this spring. I know it's a big disappointment, and I was really looking forward to it, but, what can you do. On the plus side, they're doing two shows at the Beacon theatre this April and another two in Boston that they want me involved with, so that should be fun. Let's see, what else? Oh! I saw BB King the other night at NJPAC. For 81 years old, he still puts on an amazing show. And yes, I'm sure he's 81, cuz he told the audience about 81 times that he was 81. Got to go to Miami a few weeks ago for a pre Stupid Bowl fund raiser event that totally sucked. I mean, South Beach was kind of cool, the 15 minutes I got to spend there when we weren't working, but the gig itself was stupid. It was some kind of auction/ fund raiser for a local hospital. Really expensive dinners. But nobody wanted to bid on any of the crap. They had 3 Porsches for sale, and only one sold, and even then they barely got sticker for it. The best part tho: these rich peoples spent all kinds of money for dinner, and then most of them didn't even eat! Ah well...

What else? Oh, I had a really great birthday party on the 19th of January. All kinds of family and friends and even my neighbors from upstairs came with their two kids... it was great.

So I just need to break in here with a little rant: I'm going to shave my head and start hitting cars with umbrellas and nobody's going to notice. Why? Because I don't have millions of dollars. Get over it, people. Women (and men) go crazy every day. Do we really need second by second coverage of this particular one? Do we really care so much about a couple of pieces of white trash that we need to spend WEEKS on it? And yet, here I am talking about it! SONOFA! Here's what I want you to do: if you want me to continue this subject, in fact, if you've spent more than 30 seconds even THINKING about Anna Nicole Smith or Brittany Spears in the last two weeks, then go out and have yourself sterilized. And if you already have children, go have them sterilized too. It's for the good of Humanity, really.

Well, now that I've got that off my chest, on to better things: the race for President, 2008. Oh Boy! It's one year 'til the first primary, and the race is ON! Who will win? Who will lose? Who will get completely humiliated (could he be from Massachusetts? I think so!) Who will make a complete ass out of himself, again? (Rep. Kucinich, we're looking in your direction, and will you please stand closer to Rev. Sharpton? Thanks.) Look folks, what it comes down to is this: you don't have a choice. It's really that simple. Unless you're contributing MILLIONS of dollars to these campaigns, you're just another chance for one of these soulless blood suckers to look good on national TV, when they shake your hand. Oh, look, Hillary likes black people. Wow, Barak is so well spoken. And he's so popular in Hollywood, oh wow. Cuz actors know so much about politics, so whomever SAG chooses, that's who I'll vote for. Unless Bono says not to. Look, Johnny Mac is against abortion. He's the guy for me. Phooey. I'm voting for Jon Stewart. Why? Because of all the people in the media and government, he's the one that can't screw this place up any worse than it already is. He might not make things better, but his policies will all be the same: mug for the camera. Foreign policy: meet with Prime Minister, mug for the camera. Domestic policy: meet with governors, mug for the camera. Social policy: meet with Union leaders, mug for the camera. Health care: doctors, mug. Social Security: AARP, mug. You get the idea. I think it's in our best interests, really, because Jon Stewart makes no bones about working for the people. He's the only honest one out there. And with Steven Colbert as his VP, nobody's gonna want to hurt him, because nobody would even DREAM of putting Colbert in charge. Goodbye Democracy! It's time people. Do something more stupider than last time! Vote for Jon Stewart!

Ok, well, that's about all... it pretty much catches up on the last two months. There's some other things, but nothing all too important, I guess. Pretty much life as usual. Well, I did get engaged at Christmas. But you already knew about that. Don't ask when the wedding is. I don't know. See, the thing is, that if we set a date, then we actually have to PLAN the damn thing... and we don't want to do that, really. It just makes it that much easier if we fly off to Vegas and do that. We'll let you know... until then, ta!

"Strange as it seems, no amount of learning can cure stupidity, and higher education positively fortifies it."

Stephen Vizinczey

Hey kids. Sorry there hasn't been a post in a while (like 2 months) but I figured you were all busy with holidays and the like, so I haven't posted. (then again, I could just be lazy and not writing, and just how busy can you be if you're reading this boring crap. Get back to work, SLACKER!) So anyways, just a quickie to let you know I haven't forgotten my faithful readers (both of you). Chew on this for a while: Big Brother has arrived, and is being welcomed with open arms by residents! That's right, Old Georgie O' only missed it by 23 years, but they are watching, and crime is down 56%! So are personal freedoms, but hey, you weren't using them anyway... More on this later, as I need to get to work now...

"It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

George Orwell (1903 - 1950), "1984", first sentence

Yes, it's official, I have too much time on my hands. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, the 12 w00t!'s of Christmas! (abbreviated version. You know the song, fill in the rest.)

On the twelfth w00t! of Christmas, my true love gave to me, 12 bajillion radar detectors, 11 MP3 players, 10 digital cameras, 9 iPod accessories, 8 home projectors, 7 GPS systems, 60 different watches, 5 bags of crap! 4 cordless phones, 3 robot vacuums, a twofer Tuesday speaker, and a brand new Playstation 3.

That is all. Merry X-Mas, as in Malcolm X-Mas, you cracker fools!

"The pursuit of happiness is a most ridiculous phrase; if you pursue happiness you'll never find it."

C. P. Snow (1905 - 1980)

Well... last night was Jimmy's birthday. I'm not quite sure who Jimmy is, other than that he's a large, balding, 60 year old man with enough money to have a party for himself and 100 of his closest friends at the Jersey City Hyatt (the height of class and elegance, in the nicest neighborhood you can think of. Just don't go around the corner) featuring Three Dog Night. Yes Jimmy, Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and we did have some very fine wine. A bit too much wine, apparently, because MAN were they bad. I mean, it sounded like a cover band. Oof. But the best part was the DJ. They hired this guy to play the entire record catalog of 101.1 CBS-FM. All that was missing was Cousin Brucie, and it would have been the perfect night with the oldies. They stayed and danced until 12. And by they, I mean your grandparents. Yeah, it was Granny Dance Party 2006 up in this hizzle.

Just about the only good thing about the whole day was the view from this ballroom. It was all windows, and sitting on the Hudson River, so you could see from the George Washington Bridge all the way down past Staten Island, including Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. The Twin Towers would have been directly across the river. It was pretty awesome.


So after all this party malarkey, we get told that our cases, which were stored on the 3rd floor, will not be brought up to the 9th floor so we can pack our stuff up. No. Instead, everything must ride on the few cases we have in the room, down to 3, get packed there, and then taken to the dock, on 1. Great. And, on top of that, we had the C-list crew, as well as whomever from the wait staff wanted to stick around to help. Real rocket surgeons, let me tell you. So we get the trucks on the loading dock, and find out that for 2 trucks, they've sent 6 straps. Plus, where we had 1 24' truck and 1 26' truck on the load in, and they were both packed full, we now have 2 24' trucks. And a whole bunch of video gear that isn't ours and didn't come on our truck, but we have to take back to our shop. Merry F'n Christmas! When I got home at 4 am, I took a shower and sat on the couch with a beer for a minute, just to let my brain decompile. I turn on the TV, and there, on PBS, is this documentary about the making of the Mars rover. And I thought to myself, "Oh, right, THAT's rocket science!" And proceeded to pass out.

And so, that was my day. Monday is Christmas, whoopie. That's, whoopie, not waHoopie. Never mind. Have a Merry, you faithful reader you.

"Only the mediocre are always at their best."
Jean Giraudoux (1882 - 1944)

December 16, 2006. C-1. That's right. It's time for Brancato Christmas. All the kids are excited, bouncing off of walls and cars and other objects. Look out! Here comes Insanity Claus, with all his lists and toys and joys and CRACK! YAAAAAAA!

Slow week this week, kinda nice, really. Worked at Hammerstein Ballroom Monday. It was a charity fundraiser for an organization called Witness. It's run by Peter Gabriel, you know, like Sledgehammer Peter Gabriel. It's a human rights organization. Paul Simon played 3 songs, then some weird African chick tried to bring the whole crowd on stage, and the B-52's topped off the night (well, Fred and Kate, anyway. Don't know where the rest of the band were.) It was a good day, pretty slow and not much to worry about, since we used the house rig.

Tuesday was way cool... got to go to Silvercup studios in Queens for an episode of 30 Rock. They were using moving lights to do a goof on Deal or No Deal. So they sent me in to make sure stuff worked. It was great. Got to hang out all day, watch people come and go... and they didn't shoot until Wednesday. Oh well, guess I'll just have to wait until January to see it. (Thursdays at 9:30 starting Jan 4!)

And there you have it. Well, I've got stuff to wrap and laundry to put away... will the excitement never end! OMFG!

Here's a little video I found. I'm not going to put it in here, but the link will take you to You Tube. It's a Charlie Brown Kwanzaa.... very very funny, but REALLY raunchy and foul. Make sure you have headphones and the kids aren't nearby, cuz WOW. Ta!

"Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."

Benjamin Franklin (1706 - 1790)

Well, sorry if I've been kinda quiet lately, gang, I just don't seem to have much to discuss. Work's been slowing down, though I did do Aerosmith at the Beacon theater last weekend. That was interesting. Stephen Tyler is a pretty cool guy, though I didn't actually meet him, or any of the other band members. But I did watch their sound check, and he was just as cracked out during that as he is during shows and other public performance type things, so it's probably safe to say that it's not a character but the way he really is. One of the weird things about the show is that it's one of the last before the Beacon closes for 2 years for reconstruction. They're apparently tearing the place apart and rebuilding it, which is definitely a good thing.

So what else? I dunno. Jingle Ball is coming up this week, as is Brancato Christmas. I'm looking forward to that last bit. For those of you out there not related or in the know (I don't think you really exist, but hey...) my Father's family gets together on the Saturday before Christmas to celebrate and do all that stuf that most people do on Dec. 25th. It just makes life a little easier and allows us to kinda remove an extra stress of travel on the 25th, as well as extending the holiday by a little bit. It's nice to be able to sit down and actually hang out with your family without having to worry about when do we have to be at the in-laws house and who's showing up for dessert and who's not. I know that this weekend's not technically the Saturday immediately before Christmas, but I think that having both halves of my family together at my parent's house in the space of 3 days is more Christmas than anyone can handle.

Something else I want to turn you guys on to: Woot.com. This site is AWESOME! Ok, well, it's great if you're a dork like me. They sell gadgets and random crap for really low prices. The catch is that they only do one item a day, and once it sells out, it's gone. They update at 11:59pm Central time (12:59 EST) every day. So don't be late! Or else you might miss it. Well, that's not entirely true. Most items are usually still available by 8 am, but occasionally there's something REALLY cool, and those go fast. There's also Wine.Woot.com which sells one type of wine each week... good stuff, usually. SO go check it out, and buy stuff in the next Woot-off! OK.

Last but not least, I've found a really fun and interesting diversion the last few days: typing random strings into Google Images. It's interesting to see what comes up: stuff like this, and this, and this. Oh yeah, and this. So go ahead, give it a try. Just be warned that there's some weird stuf out there on the 'net.

"Look at how those legs go all the way up and make an ass out of themselves."
Stephen Tyler (1948 - )

Sorry there hasn't been a post in a while. Technical difficulties abound: my computer died a slow painful death, and all efforts to revive it so far have been frustrating at least.

I just wanted to post this, tho, as proof that there is no such thing as a slow news day:

Clooney's pig dies

Oh yeah. That's right. The headlines never lie. That's 159 articles there as of 8:24 am. Wow.

And in case you missed this one, there's yet another reason not to eat at Taco Bell.


"Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it."

Mahatma Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

Ok, so, not to distract you from more important news (like Britney Spears' porno tape and OJ's book/ tv special) but did anyone notice this thing about a Russian Cosmonaut hitting a golf ball off the International Space Station the other day? I saw a blurb about it, said, "Hey, it's been done before" and moved on with my life. Well, when I saw the headline today that said that he shanked the shot, I was intrigued. Was the ball going to crash into a satellite and take out my MTV? Will it hit the Space Shuttle and cause it to burn up on reentry again? Not according to NASA. What I did get from the article, however, is that they spent FIVE MILLION DOLLARS to hit ONE GOLF BALL. Wait, let me say that again: FIVE MILLION DOLLARS to hit ONE F'N GOLF BALL. WTF, America? Apparently the stunt was paid for by a Canadian golf manufacturer called Element 21. Their whole deal is that they make golf clubs using "space age technology." So they gave the Russian Space Agency $5 million to stage this little stunt.

You may be wondering why I'm making such a big deal out of this, and I'll tell you. $5 million is almost 5 times the total donations given to Project Renewal in the past year. YEAR. Project Renewal is an organization that helps give food, clothing, shelter, and medical care to New York's homeless. They give people a second chance. They could use the money.

America's Second Harvest, the largest hunger relief organization in the country, could always use an extra $5 million. Or perhaps Canada's Second Harvest would have been a better choice. There's always Amnesty International, an organization that works to guarantee basic human rights around the world, if you're not into the whole "feeding other people" thing.

I guess my point is that I could think of better things to do with $5 million than to shoot a specially engineered golf ball into the planet's atmosphere using a gold plated golf club. It just seems to me that this was not just a publicity stunt, but a big 'ol F U in the faces of some of the less fortunate. You know, kind of a "Let them eat cake". So, yeah. Hope you all enjoyed your Thanksgiving, and now you know what to do with the leftovers.

"The excellence of a gift lies in its appropriateness rather than in its value."

Charles Dudley Warner (1829 - 1900)

What's up, turkeys?

That's about all I got. Except for happy Thanksgiving and be safe and all that other stuff. Ok bye.

"You know, there really aren't any Thanksgiving songs, are there?"

-Amanda DelGiudice

Here you are, kids, as promised, a link to the Guster Road Journal entry showing the last day of the tour. Notice the awesome lighting in the stage shots. If you ask me, Josh looks a little too happy to be going through this in public, but hey, it's his head, not mine. And for $200, I'd probably smile too.

SO I was in the supermarket today and noticed a sign at the end of the dairy aisle. It said "Natural Foods." And I thought to myself, "So, what does that make the rest of this crap? Unnatural food? I don't want to eat THAT." Just a good rule of thumb: if you can't pronounce more than 2 items on the ingredients list, you're probably holding hair spray, and therefore shouldn't eat it. Unless it's a Twinkie. Then it's ok.

"She said "“You ain't ugly, you can kiss me if you like""

- Belle and Sebastian, White Collar Boy

So, Guster Week has come and gone, and I must say it was enjoyable. Show #1 in Trenton was rough, very very rough. But the kid bounced back for show #2 in Geneva NY, and despite not having 6 of his moving lights, put on a good, if not sensational, show. It was probably a B show. Orono ME was also a good show, maybe a B+. Could have been better. But still enjoyable. It kind of sucks because I was just starting to find the groove, and get a little comfortable, and it's all over. So far, reactions have been good, and I'm hoping that February will find me on another Guster tour bus. The whole crew was awesome, just great guys to be with. Josh, the monitor engineer, got his head shaved on stage by a fan while Seth, the tour manager, took pictures. I'll get you some links as soon as they're posted. The deal was that the band and crew paid Josh to go the entire tour without shaving his head, since no one had seen him with hair. The funny thing was that after the fan was done with him, he still had some puffs of hair here and there. He looked kind of like a tennis ball. You can read more about it here. And I'm not going to say any more, lest Brian get mad at me for stealing the thunder (pun TOTALLY intended) from his road journal and takes more of my money at cards.

In other news, Republican leaders in Congress have voted Congressman Boehner as their new leader. And I'm not making that up. Now, he may pronounce it Bay-ner, but we all know how it's really said. And this one, here, well, alls I can say is too little, too late. Oh, yeah, and told ya so.

One last thing: I think I know why Ed McMahon hasn't sent me a check yet, despite your avalanche of emails and letters. It's because he's jealous. Awww yeah.

"The journey of a thousand leagues begins from beneath your feet."
Lao-Tzu (604 BC - 531 BC)

Well, Guster day 1 has come and gone. I can't say I'm entirely happy with the result, but I feel confident about today. Yesterday's rig was only a fraction of the gear I wanted on the show, and the lights I did have I wound up WAY over using to try to compensate. Let's just say that it could have looked better. I just hope that today's show doesn't reveal me for the talentless hack that I am. I'll definitely be more relaxed. After all, it's day 2, and I can't make it look any worse than day 1, right? Well, off to work...

Something about seeing a door with this sign on it propped open makes me chuckle.

"Order is the shape upon which beauty depends."

Pearl Buck (1892 - 1973)

Well, kids, it's time you all find out just what you've been missing:


That's right: The Radio Galaxy at the Crossroads, last Saturday night. What an awesome show. They keep getting better, and I can't get anyone to come see them! Ah well, maybe my week with Guster (which begins tomorrow, btw) will help. Well, back to programming. And get your butts out to a Galaxy show sometime soon, or else!

Coming Soon! The story of Don Omar and the Garden of Hell!

"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)

Breaking News! Big Headlines! O.M.F.G!!!!!! Britney and K-Fed are BREAKING UP!!!! OMG! What will Brit do now that she's become official white trash! How will she cope, being a millionaire single mom? When will her new reality TV show come on the air? Will K-Fed sell anymore albums, now that he's not Mr. Spears? How long until they get back together? And what about the children? Doesn't anyone think about the CHILDREN?!? Ohhh, the humanity of it all.

Oh, yeah, and the Democrats won back some seats in the Congress. Not that you'd care about that. Or the fact that gay marriage is now banned in over half the states in the country. And what about the fact that your vote may not have counted at all? No, that doesn't matter. Because Brit is on her own now, and K-Fed is officially a has been. At least, until they make up and get married again.

The news media makes me sick.

"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half."

Gore Vidal (1925 - )

So, Albany, NY for Duran Duran. Yeah, Hungry Like the Wolf and Girls on Film Duran Duran. Not a bad show, but WAY too much little stupid stuff like scrollers and strobe lights... took us almost all day just to get everything working. Then the house opened and 2 moving lights, a scroller, and 2 PAR cans decided to stop working. Such is life, I guess. All in all, a long, tedious day, but not half as bad as Don Omar, who loads into the Theatre at Madison Square Garden this Friday. Oh man, I can't wait! More later, Mouseketeers!

I had to share this pic. It's too funny. It was on the wall at the Palace Theatre in Albany. Birlliant!

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph."

Shirley Temple (1928 - )

I know, I know, I thought she was dead too!

Ok, so, I don't know how many of you have been keeping up on this Ted Haggard thing, but this link here is the latest. Apparently, this Haggard dude is the president of the National Association of Evangelicals, and a pastor, husband, and father. He's a proponent of Amendment 43, a Colorado law banning same-sex marriage. Oh, yeah, he's also a client of male prostitutes and a meth user. But hey, nobody's perfect, right? So I'd just like all of you out there in bloggy blog land to put your hands together for the continued hypocrisy of the Christian right! Yeah! Let's hear it! OK! Oh, wait: he's not a meth user, he just bought some "out of curiosity" and he "threw it away." Sure. And Clinton didn't inhale. Oh, and the prostitute: well, he was just getting a massage. Oh. Well, that's ok. Wait, what? Show me a straight man who wants to get massaged by another man, and I'll show you a guy who lives in a river in Egypt.

"Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: [scoffs] Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?"

-Pulp Fiction

This is fantastic... squirrels at Woodstock... if Abbot and Costello were hippies...



"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."

Evan Esar (1899 - 1995)

Still think MySpace is great? Well, check this out: Linky McLinkerson. That's right. If you try to upload copyrighted music to your MySpace acct, no more MySpace acct. So what happens if it's my copyright? If I want to put my music on my MySpace? And did you see the thing about how MySpace is now going to start marketing unsigned bands? How long is it until your email box is clogged up with shit you don't like or want because NewsCorp's computer algorithm thinks you'll like it based on your "favorite music" selections. Boycott now.

So this link is to a copy of Iggy Pop and the Stooges' tech rider. For those of you who don't know, a tech rider is a list of gear and other things that a band needs to perform. These lists are usually typed up by a management type person, and then sent ahead several weeks before the show so that the promoter has time to procure the required items. Often, bands will add ridiculous things just to see if they can get them. But this particular item takes many, many cakes. It's just too funny. But I'll let the document speak for itself. And for more fun, click here.

Some of you may remember me talking about a really weird Skittles ad I saw this summer. Here it is, in all it's disturbing glory:




For those of you who still don't quite understand what I do, try this. Click on "Create a Rock Show" in the upper left hand corner and have fun!

And there you have it. Until next time, adios, chihuahuas!


"Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast."

Douglas Adams (1952 - 2001)

Ahh, Atlantic City. Home of Bare Feet Hoes and the splendiforous Trump Taj Mahal, where today we find our hero waiting patiently for the WKTU Halloween Hip Hop to commence. Halloween Hip Hop, which is really a misnomer, since there is no actual hip and or hop with acts like C + C Music Factory and TKA Featuring K7 (which sounds more like an additive used in making Twinkies than a musical group, but whatever). Yeah.

So I promised an explanation for my little attempt at a scientific experiment earlier this month, and I will give it. Due to the overwhelming response, we can now safely say that 40% of the population believes 9/11 was in fact an attack on America by Islamic extremists, 40% of the population believes 9/11 was a hoax perpetrated by the Bush administration to justify the war in Iraq, and 20% of you faithful readers think there isn't enough evidence to decide. Well, it's no Gallup Poll, but I think we have some definitive evidence here.

Personally, I'm in the "Not Enough Evidence to Decide" category. I have a hard time believing that my government, if not my chosen representatives, but my government nonetheless, could have anything to do with such a heinous and evil action. Now, I'm not saying we don't do things like this on a regular basis (Panama, Greneda, Venezuela, Chile, Iran, Iraq, etc. etc. etc.), but we don't do it against our own people. We just don't. I mean, for starters, think of how huge this conspiracy would have to be if our government was involved: the White House, the Air Force, the airlines, some even think the Navy and other military would have to be involved. And, I'm sorry, but there are WAY too many sailors on a US Navy vessel carrying Tomahawk missiles or on a US Air Force base for a Tomahawk to slam into the Pentagon without SOMEBODY in the military a. knowing about it, and b. coming forward and saying so. That is the worst argument I've ever heard and I hope the people spouting that crap get a Tomahawk missile in a very uncomfortable place (like the back of a Volkswagen).

So my theory goes something like this: we will never know for sure how complicit the government was in 9/11. Much like Pearl Harbor, I think that future generations will judge the act as horrible and cowardly, and look at the evidence that President Bush and members of his National Security staff knew something was coming and did little about it (there were warnings in the press about a terrorist attack in late August, but nobody took it seriously) and say that Bush let it happen to further his agenda in Iraq. Like we now speculate (because, again, we'll never know) that FDR let Pearl Harbor happen so that the US could justify entry into WWII, future historians will make the same speculations about 9/11. My personal opinion is that those conclusions are not far from the truth.

And much like the Nazi party did with the Reichstag in the 1930's, his administration and the Republican party have used the attacks to justify drastic and dramatic changes in our laws, our civil liberties, and our overall way of life. Future generations will hopefully look back on this and judge accordingly. Whether or not the changes are for the better is up to us to decide. Fortunately, we have the opportunity to fix these problems, and change our government.

One way or another, George W. Bush let 9/11 happen by not going after Al Qaida. This much is established fact. What I can't understand is why we let him continue to screw up. It seems like the worse he screws up, the more we reward him. But we don't care, because our tax cuts are in the mail, and our grandkids get to pay for it.

So I hope you all feel more enlightened. I'm hoping to have something funny for my next post. Stay tuna'd.

Almost frogot. [sic] BIIIIIG news! I'm doing two shows as LD for Guster next month! For those of you who don't know, Guster is a band I've been listening to for several years now, I really enjoy their music and they always put on great shows. I just hope I'm up to the task! Well, I have to get back to the Hippin' and the Hoppin' and the Bippin' and the Boppin' now, so until next time!

"Repetition does not transform a lie into a truth."

Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945)

Well, here I am, back in Washington DC. Long time readers will remember my previously stated views of our nation's captial, but since they only exist in my head, you new readers that can't possibly be imaginary can read all about it here.

Today's adventure brings us to the Verizon Center, formerly the MCI Centrer, and not the Cap Centre. We won't even get into USAir Arena. It's day two of the Don Omar tour, even tho it's been a week since day one. Yeah, it's that kind of tour. Nothing especially wonderful to report, unfortunately. I took the Amtrak to DC this time, which was new. I've never done that before... it's different. I think I like it better than flying. If you factor in the time you spend waiting at the airport, it takes about as long. The only difference is that I don't have to wear a seat belt, I can use my computer or cell phone the whole trip, and I never have to put my seat back and tray table in the upright and locked position. I like that.

So, yeah, life's been pretty boring, even tho I haven't done much more than work non stop for the last 3 weeks. Maybe that's why. Who knows. Yeah, so here's your quote:

"If I was more complacent and I let things slide, my life would be easier, but you all wouldn't be as entertained. My misery is your pleasure."

Kanye West

Sorry there hasn't been a new post in a while. I've been busy, back and forth to CT and upstate NY, not much time for sitting down and screwing around on the internet. Right now, I'm in Mohegan Sun Arena doing rehearsals for Don Omar. Yeah, I've never heard of him either, but apparently he's very big on the riggatoni scene, or something like that. All I know is, the music sounds very angry, and it's all in Spanish. And there you go.

So I promised a blurb about the Ian Anderson gig from hell, and here it is:

Last week, I went to this town called Torrington, CT, and brought lights for Ian Anderson, who is sometimes mistaken for Jethro Tull, but is, in fact, not. We arrived in town the night before, and checked into our hotel, the Yankee Pedlar Inn. It was a quaint little place, with real keys for the doors, beds that must have been the height of comfort back in 1963, and a 1' step up into the bathroom, which Brett, our truck driver, found out about at 4 am. So we get to the gig at about 8:30 am, load in starts at 9. We dump the truck and already I can tell it's going to be a long day. The crew was mostly young guys, not really experienced, and, well, kinda slow. I really shouldn'’t have been surprised when the "“rigger"” said to me "“So, how do you want to rig this?"” What did surprise me was when the house crew chief said "They told me you were bringing a rigger." Exsqueeze me? Baking powder? No. I don'’t think so. So who wound up hanging the points? Yup. Got yelled at for it, too...… liability. Yeah, so whatever. What was I supposed to do, stand around with my thumb up my butt all morning and wait? Harrumph.T'’anks fer nuttin. Finally, after a few phone calls, it was decided we could eat what the tour was eating. Gee, hope we didn'’t put you out too much. About half way through dinner, one of the PA'’s comes running in looking for the production manager. Apparently, the guitar player had just been hit by a car. According to Brett, who was walking into the hotel as the guitar player came running out, he just ran into the street without looking and wound up riding the hood of a sedan for about a dozen feet before being thrown off. He was ok, and the show went on, but it was just a perfect thing to happen on such a fun day.
So now let me tell you some more about my new favorite state in the Union, Connecticut. Apparently, up here, it'’s illegal to serve someone 2 drinks at the same time. So, say you wanted a shot of whiskey with your beer. Nope. Not happening. You can'’t even buy a shot. You can buy the liquor straight up, but you can't buy an actual "“shot." I guess boilermakers aren'’t real popular here. Plus, you have to finish your beer before they can serve you the whiskey. What an absolutely stupid law. And the only place it'’s enforced? Yupers: Mohegan Sun casino. Which wouldn'’t be a problem, except for the fact that everything else in this wonderful Valhalla of a state closes at 10:30!!!!Sons of motherless goats! And I can'’t even get the damn internet here: there'’s no wireless at our lovely two star hotel, and the wireless in the arena is turned off. They keep telling us it's on, but somehow nobody can get the signal. Funny thing that. And I think the trough they'’re feeding us out of is making me ill: I haven't had an appetite for 2 days now. This place sucks. I'’m going home now.

Here'’s a pic of the emergency release handle from the trunk of our rental car. I just think it's really funny that the little guy is jumping out of the trunk. I have to wonder what people like Tony Soprano would think of these. Do they remove them from the car? That would be a good gag for a gangster movie

"I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere."
Unknown

About the poll that was posted: I'll give you my views on that question at a later date. For now, I want to hear what you have to say. Also, I still haven't gotten that check from Ed, so keep writing the emails. He's going to crack any day now, I can feel it... until next time!

Stupidest headline of the week:

One-third infant deaths premature

Brought to you by the Sydney Morning Herald. What I want to know is this: if 1/3 of infant deaths are premature, what are the other 2/3 ??? Did they live a full and complete life in those few months? Hello. Now, I know what this headline was supposed to say, but it doesn't. It says that 1 out of every 3 infants that die exit before thier time. What I want to know is, what do the other two do so that we as a society believe that their life was well spent?

So here's one for the brilliant editors over there at the SMH: Unemployment checks one-third regular pay. Allright!

"If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an apostrophe with fur."

Doug Larson

Well, kids, here it is, the one you've been waiting for: the MySpace Rant, or 3 Reasons Why MySpace is Evil.

1. The obvious: MySpace.com is owned by NewsCorp. And NewsCorp is owned by one of the most evil men alive, Rupert Murdoch. Yes, that's opinion, but it's a widely held one. And if you don't have an opinion, then click on his name up there and read "Recent activities" and "Murdoch and Politics," then tell me he isn't evil. Or you could just ask his 3 wives. In July 2005, MySpace.com, its servers, it's employees, and all of it's 90 million plus (at the time) readers was quietly purchased by NewsCorp. Why? Could it be that having 106 million (current) young people telling you exactly what they want is the best market research around? Or maybe the fact that the site generates more advertising revenue than Yahoo!? After all, that many captive viewers only comes around once a year (hint: think football game). So why is this evil, you might ask? Well, I'll tell you: MySpace was designed to be a place where bands could get their music out to the public for free. That's it. It's not a corporate tool. It's not supposed to be another link in the chains that corporations use to bind us and control us. How, you ask? How many MySpace friends have you met in real life? And how many of them do you think are being paid to pass on a band or movie? Think I'm paranoid? Think it's bullshit? Well, I've got 4 words for you: Snakes. On. A. Plane.

2. The Experts: PC World magazine rated MySpace as #1 in the 25 worst websites. Why? Well, you can read the full article here. But to summarize: MySpace is poorly designed. Users can upload pictures, audio, video, and all kinds of other kak onto their pages. The metaphor that PC World used was that most pages are more cluttered than a "teenager's bedroom after a tornado." And it's true. Have you ever seen some of these pages? The wallpaper is mind warping, then there's the Flash movies of photos that go on forever and ever, usually with some kind of lame ass music in the background. And god help you if there' s a video that auto loads: even the fastest of computers with the fastest of connections can be slowed to a mere crawl by just one of these pages. And that doesn't even touch on the REAL menace of some MySpace pages: spyware, spamware, and, the one your Congressman has been harping on all year, predators. Some pages have spyware and spamware embedded into them so that simply loading that link your new friend sent can put all kinds of fun porn on your computer. Yeah! And how do you really know who that new friend is? I mean, he can look at your site and know all about you before he even asks to be your friend. Isn't it weird that you both like the same kinds of music and movies, and his favorite movie is Princess Mononoke too! Oh wow!

3. The War on Drugs: How many of you out there communicate with your friends through MySpace more than through real space? When was the last time you actually went out and had dinner with most of your MySpace friends? And just what the hell does "OMFG ur soooooooooooooo cute LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!" mean, anyway? Since when is that a form of communication? What exactly does this bode for the future? I mean, if you spend more time online updating your page and looking at your friend's pages, when do you have time to actually talk to your friends? When do you go to the bar and just hang out? I'm just waiting for the story about the guy/girl who is suing their boss because they were fired for being on MySpace. It's only a matter of time. And the only people who are worse than MySpacers are Blackberry users. So that's where you are: if you use MySpace, you're only one step above that annoying prick who sits on the train or in the subway, in the waiting room or, god help him, in TRAFFIC tapping away on that horrible little Crackberry, like he's so important he just can't be away from the office for 10 seconds without writing an email. So there you have it: MySpace.com is just as destructive to the lives of it's users as drugs like heroine or cocaine. It's all they think about, it's their entire life. And if you don't use it, they don't really care to know you, because you're not a part of their world.

Special bonus 4th reason why MySpace is evil: All those people that you've known throughout your life that you thought you never had to see again? Yeah, well, they've found your MySpace profile, and they still want to be your friend! Goody!

So, on a completely unrelated topic, I'm going to use this little piece of the internet for scientific research. Ok, well, maybe not that lofty, but amusing still. I'm going to try out a poll here, and if all 3 of you reading this fill it out, we might know a little more than we did 10 minutes ago. So here it is: 9/11 poll: was 9/11 a government conspiracy? Or are the people saying that just a bunch of crackpots? Well, here's your chance to speak up. And it's for science!



Ok well, that's all for now kids. Tune in soon for my next rant: the really bad gig, starring Ian Anderson from Jethro Tull! And: stupid headlines. All on our next episode!

"My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be unpopular."

Adlai E. Stevenson Jr. (1900 - 1965)